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I am worried about my wife's threats towards my friend (she thinks we have an affair), should I tell my friend or wait and see what happens?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 June 2008) 3 Answers - (Newest, 3 June 2008)
A male United Kingdom age , anonymous writes:

My marriage has had its ups and downs for years, mainly,I admit,my fault,but we carried on.

I have been with my wife(age 57)for 20 years,I am 61,we have one adult child.

I met a woman of similar age,through work about a year ago, we built up a very friendly relationship.

I changed jobs 6 weeks ago,we missed being together and had to see each other,our feelings had deepened and they got the better of us.We text and phone often and meet when we can.

She understands me,is kind and caring we talk about everything.I love her but know we can`t be together.She is married,from a well respected family, and would have to give up so much if she left her husband and children.

My wife became suspicious and asked if I was having an affair,I denied it and said she was just a friend.My wife said I had betrayed her trust by texting a woman who was not even a mutual friend.

The row escalated and I told my wife I no longer had feelings for her and I would text who I like.

I told her we hadn`t had a proper marriage for years and I would move out as soon as I could.

My wife was shocked and upset but seemed to accept it over the next couple of weeks.

Then out of the blue my wife confronted me with an item of clothing I had worn on the day I had been with my friend.She told me she had got hold of this item 4 days before even asking me about an affair.

If she already knew why didn`t she confront me before?

I thought things had finally calmed down but today we had a row,(not about this)I`ve never seen my wife so angry,the row ended with her saying I had best warn my friend that she better watch out,my wife, would see about her and my friend wouldn`t know when it was coming.

I am worried,should I tell my friend or wait and see what happens?

View related questions: affair, text

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A female reader, I'llTryToHelp United States +, writes (3 June 2008):

I'llTryToHelp agony aunt I typed a whole bunch of stuff here that I knew I shouldn't say so I deleted it and started over. Here goes:

If I were your wife, this is what I would do. I'd make sure the husband and family of your girlfriend knows exactly what's been going on.

Your wife is a lucky lady and one day soon she'll see that. You did her a favor by moving on so now she'll be free to pursue a life with someone who will value her love and loyalty. Someone more deserving of it, for sure.

I usually end my posts wishing Good Luck to whoever I'm answering. This time I'll wish your soon to be ex-wife Good Luck and I send my deepest sympathies to your new girlfriend because she's gonna need it!

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A female reader, Star_07 United States +, writes (2 June 2008):

Star_07 agony auntIt seems like you care more about your "friend" than your own wife! This is obviosuly an affair, clearly an emotional one at that!

Your wife obviously is angered by this and probably deeply hurt. She probably wanted you to admit to it rather than drag it out of you-wanting to see if you would at least be honest about it rather than upholding a lie.

You need to decide if you want to remain with your wife or would you rather give all of this up for a chance to spend time with some woman who is already married. Do you really want to leave her? And why do you believe since you havent had a "proper marriage" for years that it is okay if you cheat on her?

You need to talk to your wife about what has been going on with you and if you really want things to end, you need to be upfront about it rather than sending mixed messages and dragging her through any more pain. Try to understand where she is coming from, if she were abandoning you, how would you feel? Most people wouldn't be happy...

Communicate with her about how you feel, try to understand how she feels, and refrain from saying hurtful things. Be HONEST and open!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008):

Well I guess if you have a loyalty to this married women you have had in your life for a year or so, and clearly your more concerned about her rather than your wife, the person you have spent the last 20 odd years with, then you possibly could warn her that your wife is pretty pissed off and not too stable at the moment!

I really have no sympathy for either you or this other women, in the event your wife causes a fuss then this is what sometimes happens when people are betrayed. You and she will have to accept what is coming, if anything.

You asked if she had suspicions earlier, why didn't she bring it up - Shock, horror, fear, confusion, needing confirmation, shame, bewilderment - pick one!

It is a real shame that throughout you post you really are fully okay with how you handled things, indicative of how lucky your wife will soon be when your out of her life.

But at least have some respect for the fact that you have just dropped a major devastation into her life, AND IT MIGHT JUST TAKE HER A BIT OF TIME TO GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!

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