A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I leave after 13 years? I have a 4 year old and a 3 month. I am a 32 year old male I've been with my current girl friend for 13 years we never married. I will refer to her as my wife.I have had my lover for 3 years. off for 1 and on for another. For a total of 5. My wife found out 5 months ago. After she found out I figured that she was going to make the decision for me by not wanting to be with me. It turns out she still wants to stay together. My lover wants me to make up my mind who I want to be with by the end of the year. I don't fight with my wife or argue. We have good conversation and similar interests. Sex is a bore. I am still attracted to her. The problems that I have with her is that she isn't into sex like I am and she doesn't keep the house as clean and organised as I would like. I have spent a lot of time with my lover we get along very well. I've always been honest with her. She has known about my wife since day one. she has aloud me to this for to long and it has to end either with her or my kids mother. My lover does everything write cooks, cleans,very understanding, motivating,smart and is unbelievable in bed. Should I leave to be with a better lover or stay and be frustrated sexually for the rest of my life? I didn't enjoy lying to my wife and don't want to have to cheat again to be sexually satisfied. I didn't think I would fall in love with my lover. I did. I always told my wife how much sex I needed and she didn't take me seriously. I know what I did was wrong but I did it and now I have to decide. Another problem I have is my lover was my best friends first love. They were broken up for 5 years before I did this but my friends are my friends and my wifes. They will not be happy with me. My wife is pissed that I still talk to my lover. She wants me to stop talking to her and give our relationship 100%. Cutting my ties with my lover would be like loseing my best friend. We have a very honest open relationship I can tell her anything and do. I dont want to regret leaving my wife and I dont want to loose my lover. I want both. I cant have both.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): to the wife: let today be the start of the rest of your life. you are hurt and your hb doesn't deserve your love. he has used you for the past 5 years and he betrayed you and your relationship.
he has complianed bitterly about you and humiliated you, well enough is enough. you be strong and you heal slowly and restart your lifw without him. you deserve better and believe me, there is better in the world. so dry those tears, and plan to start your life without him. you have 2 beautiful kids and you owe them a life of happiness. that person calling himself your hb is nothing more than a cheating snake. he will pay for him destorying your life and your kids. in fact he already has started. that wheel is turning and for every tear you have shed while he was having sex with his mistress, he will reap tenfold. you be strong and be happy. take care. there is life after a cheating scoundrel and make your life worth something. move on. there are many decent men who want honest decent woman. and you are one of them.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (8 February 2010):
 You know when we write these things, we think we are writing to one person. I guess in this case we should have known that it was possible the other person would find it. Of course we usually only get one side of the story. So now i need to compose a reply to the "wife" knowing that all the parties and all the aunts may read it. I'm walking on eggs in ice skates.
Dear wife,
in a way it is good that you have finally got the confession in his own words. This is what he should have told you 7 months ago when you discovered the affair. Back then you decided to give him a second chance. That was very commendable on your part. Not only did he not cut all contact with her as you asked, he continued to meet her and have sex with her and yes, most damaging of all, to love her for another 7 months. You are right to be doubly hurt by that.
I said some pretty crass things in my first reply to him. That he should make his decision based on money. That was probably hurtful to you and I apologize. Mostly I was trying to get him to take some responsibility in his life. I also questioned his manliness and implied that you were desperate to put up with him. I see now that you were blinded by his lies and your genuine feelings for him. I hope that I haven't led you to doubt that you can find a better man out there. There are good men out there.
I'm not going to dispute your decision to boot him out. Although your decision was made in the heat of emotion, he has given you plenty of cause. You will note that despite all the advice he got here he continued to live a double life for 2 months. He did it until his double life came around and bit him in the butt. Twice now. It is very hard to feel sorry for him although I know he is in a lot of emotional pain. He has certainly brought it on himself.
Now Dear Wife I hope that you will be able to start to heal and find a new life. As much as he is hurting you are hurt more because of the double deception. I hope you can soon trust and love again. I hope you haven't given up on all men as useless. I hope that you will be able to find again that sex is one of the real joys of life but only when it is paired with real relationships including trust and responsibility. I know that none of this will be easy.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the wife and mother of the 5 year old and now 5 month old and just by reading this found out how long the lies have "Really" been going on. My 1st sons entire life! What kind of man would treat women like this? What kind of woman is the girlfriend to put up with this behaivour? How F**KED up she is and him! They deserve each other! Their relationship has been a total lie and carried on with total disregard to the people they are hurting in the path of destruction.... Our relationship is a total lie too only now I know what is really going on and I DO NOT want to be with the him! I deserve better! My innocent sons deserve better! He does not deserve me! I am too good for him. They deserve to hurt and be shit on as much as I have been, unknowingly. I hope they live a highly sexual life together with none of the real joys of life, you know, real responsibilities that bring real gratification. Sex on.... you are kicked to the curb. F**K OFF And your BI**H too!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): Glad she dumped you. Hopefully your wife will wise up and do the same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello I am giving an update on my current situation. My lover gave me until the ST of the year and if I hadn't made up my mind that she wouldn't stay. So she slept with me a week or two after the new year. I told her on Jan Th that I left my wife. She then told me that she had a change of heart and didn't want to be with me. I was heart broken and still am. I'm glad I lied and didn't really leave my wife. Now I will try work on my relationship- with my babies momma
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): I have to agree with Fatherly Advice. Way cheaper to marry your long-term girl and raise your kids in one household than to support two households.
And who is to say that your lover, if you do marry her, will keep up the lovely cooking and cleaning? You're not her 24/7... of course she loves to spoil you! You don't really know what it would be like to actually live with her either-- she could turn out to be a Ms Jekyll and Hyde, resent another person taking over her space ... yada yada yada. Fantasy-world is waaaay different than Reality!
Unfortunately, there's really no guarantee of happiness if you go either way. Just that since children are in the picture, don't you owe it to them to at least try to fix your relationship with their mother?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): “My lover does everything write cooks, cleans,very understanding, motivating,smart and is unbelievable in bed.” Hey maybe if YOU helped your wife out with the cleaning, cooking, CHILDREN then she too can become someone else’s unbelievable lover. After all, you have found someone to rock your world, why shouldn’t your wife?? Taking care of a 4 yr old and a 3 months old baby takes all the time and effort, the fact that you are not interested in your wife means that you are stealing her life from her. Just help her to take care of your brats while she goes out and finds someone worthy to f*ck, just like how you have done for so long. Makes sense doesn’t it. i am sure your wife would LOVE the amazing sex with someone else. I think she deserves it , don’t you???
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A
male
reader, Fazio +, writes (5 December 2009):
Who can you live without? Do that person a favor and let them go. I don't agree with some of the critics who've responded. Sometimes one doesn't know how boring sex is with a partner until they've had someone rock their world.However, affairs aren't really about sex, they're about attention and affection. I do agree that counseling makes sense. You should see someone to help you figure this out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): Im not sure why you are staying with your wife. And i must be honest and say i feel very sorry for her. You cant love or respect her, so i guess you stay for the security she gives you. It must be nice to have someone love you so much they will put up with just about anything. How cruel and selfish you are. How must she feel keeping your home and your family together, while you decide who you want to be with. You obviously cant have both women and if you dont make a decision soon you will end up losing both of them. You should leave your wife as she needs someone faithful and committed to her and the children.
As youve always found it easy to be honest with the woman you cheat with (go figure) maybe she is the one you should live with.
And after a couple of years? When theres no fun because youre not forbidden fruit anymore, shes bored of your constant sexual needs and shes being told to keep your home ultra clean while coping with a kid or 2 youve given her? What then my friend? On behalf of womankind, please get a vasectomy and man up with your `wife` and family!
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A
female
reader, bitch +, writes (1 December 2009):
Leave your girlfriend, the one you call WIFE because you obviously cannot even make a real commitment to her or marry her. Right? You don't love her enough to marry her? So end it! Don't cheat on her anymore, that is awufl and hurtful.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Of course your girlfriend cooks and cleans and give you awesome sex: she's not raising your two kids or washing your dirty underwear or doing all of the things that create a stable family life. She gets all of the good stuff and your wife gets the crumbs, all because you have an unrealistic expectation that a woman should be some kind of superhuman who can cook, clean, raise kids, have stimulating conversation, and still have the energy to have amazing sex. I think you should leave your wife and go with your girlfriend. Any woman who is foolish enough to carry on a 5 year affair with a man deserves you. Your silly girlfriend doesn't even realize that you would have kept screwing her on the side if your wife hadn't found out, and you're foolish enough think that the hot sex you have now will continue if you get into a relationship with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): You already chose your lover when you started seeing her 5 years ago. But you chose her as a lover, not as a girlfriend, and I doubt she'll ever be anything near what your wife is to you.
You should be so ever grateful your wife isn't kicking you to the curb.
1 year of being exclusive with your lover will make you realize she wasn't that great, she just offered you that little excitement and action on the side that you needed for fun. If she really was this great, you'd have left your wife 5 years ago to be with this lover of yours instead. After 5 years and you still don't know if you want her? After 5 years you should know. Don't get involved like that again, you should always end one relationship before you start another! So no, I don't think you and your lover have any future at all.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (30 November 2009):
Something doesn't add up here. It took you 13 years and 2 children to decide that your girl friend who you call Wife can't satisfy you sexually. Now you have spent 5 years in a relationship with a "perfect" woman and you can't make a commitment.
So you are asking for advice. My advice, as unpopular as it will be, is to go back and figure out what it was that made you stay faithful to your "wife" for 8 years. Then marry her and get rid of the baggage. Actually in the opposite order. I have two reasons for this advice. First a wife with kids and an ex girlfriend is way cheaper than a wife and an ex wife with child support payments. Second, it is high time you stepped up to the plate and acted like a real man, taking responsibility for your actions and for the children you fathered.
The fact that these two women put up with your behavior is a sad indication of what is available in the way of good men out there.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (30 November 2009):
 What is more important in your life? Your wife or your lover? You dont seem to be able to decide... so here goes... your lover is everything you could desire - she cleans the house, is hot in bed etc... your wife doesnt do such a great job and is boring in bed... mmmm... shs is also the mother to your children.... What have you done to improve your sex life?? Of course sex with the lover will be exciting because it is forbidden.... let me tell you a story.... and yes, it is true...My cousin was married but having problems in her marriage, she met a single man and this man made her husband look really boring and nothing her husband did or said was right..... she left her husband for this man and they got married.... they are now getting divorced.. why?? Because she found out that this 'wonderful' man also farts in bed, picks his nose, snores, forgets to take out the garbage...etc...... so you see all she did was swop one man for another.... and to be totally honest, her first husband was a much kinder and generous man with both his money and his affections than the man she ran off to be with...So yes, she will admit to anyone who listens, she made the mistake of believing that the other man was the answer to all her problems and that thinking about things as they are now, she should have made the effort to work on her marriage... Her first husband is now remarried and is blissfully happy with his new wife.. and where is my cousin?? Alone and unhappy because of lust she gave up something that could have been repaired.If you are so dreadfully unhappy in your marriage, then leave your wife and go to your lover.... but before you do that... take yourself and your wife off to counselling... stay away from your lover and put 100% back into the marriage... if you are not prepared to do this, then I suggest you let your wife find someone who deserves her!!And just a point to note.... you cheated on your wife with your lover.... how long before you get bored with your lover and start cheating on her???
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