A
male
age
41-50,
*udeski
writes:HI all,Very briefly, I am not your reader or poster, in fact I am in my thirty's so I do apologise. But I am so confused it's making me ill. So I have to get this off my chest and any ideas, advice etc would be greatly appreciated.I am was with a girl for a year and a half. She 23, me 31. She lives 2 hours away from me, and just recently we broke up. She phoned me up and out of the blue told me it was over and that she had met someone else and was now with him and happy. At first she wanted to stay in my life as we meant so much to each other and been through so much, but the following day changed her mind and told me never to contact her again and said it was best we never saw each other again.Long story short, we used to work together. We got together in Nov 07 after we both had come out of relationships. Things were electric. We really fell for each other. I took her away in December 07 to New YOrk and treated her like a princess. Things jsut got better and better. In JAN 08 we moved in together, not just as lovers, but as lodgers too. Things we good and we kept telling each other how much we loved each other. In February 08 I moved out, as I felt it was too soon to be living together. I moved back to my old house, where my ex was. It was hard for my girl, but she trusted me and understood why I was doing it. We carried on and yes, we did break up a few times,but only for a day. We just couldnt bear the thought of not being with each other. My cat, whom I had for ages ( Yes its sad) was dying and I had to provide care for him. IT was hard on us both, as I couldnt spend the whole night with her due to illness, but she understood and told me that. I was paying for her flat and making sure she was cared for. And again it put a strain on us. Anyway we decided that it was best if we moved to where her parents lived, and start a new life together away from where we used to live. She get her job, up there and I was to follow in 6 months times, when I had sold my house and my cat had died.Things were tough when she was away, but we called and text each day, loads of times. She told me she wanted to be with me for ever. I tried to get up and see her when I could, which was for 2-3 days every 3 weeks or so. NOt muich but when we were together, we were so in love. We decdied that the next step was engagement. We sppoke at length and she choose her ring that she wanted. Her mum knew all about it and I just had to ask her!!. My cat died in May and it was only months away before I moved upto her.On 21st JULY I tried to phone her one evening, but she didnt answer, but that was not out of the blue. Suddenty she text me saying she was at the cinema with a young cousin of hers,but it was 2300 which I thought odd. Moments later she text me saying she loved me with all her heart and couldnt wait to see me in a few days time.Unfortunately she called the following day and told me it was over, and after some some effort, she finally told me she had met someone else and was now with him. She wanted to be happy and that he was making her happy. She couldnt give me another chance, becasue if she gave up her man to give me another chance, and I didnt move up in weeks, then she would have lost her chance at happiness. I was gutted and yes I got upset and begged for to come home to me, but all she said was, " You have to accept he is my life now, you have accept that". She wanted to stay friends, but when the following day she said it was better if we didnt stay friends and that the distance would help us both move on. She then told me to leave her alone and never contact her again. I asked her about our plans together, about the marriage we were going to have, but she turned around and said " I didnt meant that, I was jsut going along with it," That hurt, as I knew she wanted it as she choose her ring and told me I had to ask her If I was serious about her and wanted to prove to her that I was serious about moving up with her. I hadnt done anything wrong, I had been dumped and she was treating me like this. I cared and loved her like no other ( Her parent told me this and they were lovely people ) I paid for her flat, bought her a £3000 watch, etc etc.It wasnt about the money I know, but she was my life and I wanted her to have everythig she ever wanted.Anyway I have since found out that her female friend, her new man and her, have now got flat together. It kills me knowing this. I know on a couple of occasions, she and her friend have looked at my facebook page, as her friend has made comments about it. But it kills becasue she wont reply to my emails( Its been 2-3 weeks since I last sent one and wont be sending anymore ) we been apart for 4 weeksI want her back, so much bcause we didnt break up cos we didnt get on, it was becasue I couldnt move up there quick enough and didnt ask her to marry me, when I said I would. She has kept all my gifts to her ( as is her right ) but they are special gifts, which would only remind her of me. Any way I am confused, gutted and I want her back, but even I know she wont come back, after all she lives 2 hours away and wont talk to me. Any advice on how to move on or if there would ever be a chance of getting her back. Im am genuinly lost without her.Best regards
View related questions:
broke up, cousin, facebook, money, move on, moved in, moved out, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): You definitely need to move on. First of all, you are too old for this girl. She will always desire to be with people her age. Second, it seems to me that she did truly like you and thought is was love, but it was actually the money that kept her with you. If she ever really loved you and you want her to come back to you, here is what you need to do...leave her alone. Stop calling, emailing, and posting your thoughts of her on Facebook. IF she loves you, she will wonder what has happened to you (if you have a new love) and contact you. If this happens, play it cool. Don't start going all crazy over her again. Take it slowly. If you don't, you will push her away again.If she is not interested in you, she won't contact you, and you must move on. Find a singles' group at a local church or take a class for the hobby you never pursued, like photography or ballroom dancing. Check the local college for classes. You will be surprised what they have to offer. By taking a class that interests you, you will find people who are like you...maybe a new love. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (20 August 2009):
 I feel for you.
breakup is so hard, especially when the person you love doesnt feel anything for you, and moves onto someone else within minutes.
Its natural you feel down, you need to go with the flow with these emotions.
You wanted to marry her, you loved her, but she just didnt want you.
But the reality is this girl used you.
the reality is this girl has no morals
the reality is this girl cheated on you
the reality is this girl has moved on
The best thing you can do is delete any contact with her and what she is doing, (via facebook or however)
I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around.
I know it feels like you've been jilted, but trust me one day she will have the same equivalent of pain heaped on her.
try and surround yourself with good friends and support, its not easy, it will take time to get over this, you can only take it a day at a time.
Wish you the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): I'm sorry to hear of all the heartbreak and turmoil you are going through. And not least, for the death of your cat. The whole thing is very hard, and sounds like a real emotional rollercoaster.Clearly you were committed to your now ex-girlfriend. She thought she loved you - and maybe with all the initial chemistry and "flush" of a new love relationship was swept off her feet.BUT: it takes time, at least a year or more to really get to know another person and to discover whether you are truly compatible. You both came out of recent relationships when you first met, and then plunged right in. When something ends, we all need to take some time to mourn the loss and to reflect on what went wrong in that past relationship. Sounds as if you and she did not take that time before getting involved with one another.She strikes me as being very confused and uncertain emotionally. Not very mature, as evidenced by her telling you she loved you and couldn't wait to see you one minute, and then the very next day telling you it was all over.Yes, she said she wanted to "remain friends" (never a good idea, after a break-up, by the way) and then almost immediately said it would be better to have no contact with you at all, because she might lose her chance of happiness with the new guy. Its not a good idea to keep in touch because it really does hinder the letting-go process. Its possible she thought she was trying to let you down lightly.If its any sort of cold comfort, the likelihood of her dumping him in a few months is pretty high. She has done what she did previously: jumped from one relationship almost immediately into another (with you) and is repeating her pattern.HOWEVER, you have to somehow slowly come to terms with the fact that its over between the two of you. Not easy, to say the least. The loss of a potential future with the love of your life is devastating. BUT for the sake of your own health (both emotional and physical) and well-being you have to do it.Besides, when you think about it, do you REALLY need all this drama?How do you begin to move on? First, take the time to grieve while acknowledging there is no prospect of getting her back. A good idea might be to try to put a daily time-limit on your grieving. Set aside a half-hour or hour each day and give yourself full permission during that time to be as unhappy, angry, venting, asking WHY? as you like. THEN turn your attention elsewhere for the rest of the day. Of course, you'll be sorely tempted to keep on thinking about it but remind yourself that "time's up" and you'll revisit it tomorrow. I am aware that this is very hard to do, but you'll need to be persistent.Do you have any close friends you can talk to about what has happened? If so, that will help.Try to get involved in activities you enjoy: bowling, rock concerts (or other kind of music); getting together with friends to go fishing; reading a book you've been meaning to dig into, your job, etc. Have thought about giving a cat, perhaps from an animal shelter, a good home?Maybe if the pain is still as intense in a few months as it is now, you might consider counseling?Again, sorry for your loss. Hope this is helpful. You'll probably get other responses, too.
...............................
|
