A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please give me some perspective!I am a 41 year old recently married male. In my younger days, I led a very very wild life. I have had sex with hundreds of women, been with escorts, done threesomes, dated strippers, etc etc. I always was safe and am totally free (tested) of any diseases. These were great experiences but not fulfilling emotionally.I met my wife two years ago and after dating her for 2 months I stopped the wild behavior. But the urges to go back to such behavior have been there for a year and are killing me! I love my wife very much, but I miss the crazy days. I don't want to have an affair because I am emotionally very satisfied but I do think about using an escort every now and then just for variety. I know lots of married folks who do this and one guy told me it helps keep his marriage together cause it keeps him happy on all fronts. On the other hand I know that my wife would kill me if she found out such a thing. I am seeing a therapist, but the issue is not resolved. The therapist says that many men have this issue. Some stay totally true and work out the issue. Some stay true and are miserable. Some go to an escort and wind up happy, so long as they are careful. And some guys wind up divorced. How do I either break these urges or become comfortable with finding a way to satisfy them?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): The best advice I have for you is to talk to your wife that you want to have a more exciting sex life. Hiring an escort is cheating, and I do not think it is worth ruining your life with your wonderful life to have a fling with a nameless person. Perhaps you and your wife should go into therapy together and discuss that you miss your wild days but do not intend on cheating. You want to work out the issue together.
I hope this helps.
KP
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): why don't you just do crazy stuff with your beloved wife??
i think it will help you through your urges to become wild again and in the same time have fun with your beloved wife...
for example, go out from your house one day with your wife, drive until you found a nice motel, or even go camping, and have sex all you want..
give it a thought..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 June 2009):
 I think dddddddd has a good point, too.
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (8 June 2009):
Try roll playing with your wife, do what you can to spruce up your current sex life and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Only time breaks bad habits. The longer you are married and happy, the less these urges will affect you. In the meantime, you can help your brain to develop new thoughts by taking up a new hobby and eliminating any behaviors that remind you of the chemical rushes of elicit sex.
Your ego may be missing the strokes of flattery, find other ways to feel good about yourself and by all means make your wife proud of you. To see acceptance and pride in having you as a husband can be the most satisfying feeling in the world. At the other end of the spectrum, seeing the hurt, humiliation and dissapointment in you wife's eyes if she finds out that she is 'not enough' is the worst feeling in the world for both you and she.
I am a believer that marriages work better between two people, but there are people on this board that have found ways to incorporate others into their bedroom....I cannot give advice on this.
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A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (8 June 2009):
Maybe you need a bit more wild and crazy with your wife? You haven't mentioned how the sexual relationship with your wife is. For you is it about sex with different people or just the variety of different sex? If it is the latter perhaps your wife needs to just mix it up a bit - time, places, dress, behaviour, position etc.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (7 June 2009):
 This sounds like me about a 15 years ago.
I am a couple of years older than you, but did all and probably more of the things you describe here.
I am not married, as I never believed it would be possible for me to curb my wild urges, but I have been with my partner for 17 years. I was part of a group of horrible guys who stayed single, and lied, cheated, tricked and used women for our own ends. They knew we were bad boys, but it didnt seem to matter.
I think the birth of my son stopped me in my tracks and made me grow up.
Other than that, I was and am very much in love with my partner, and would have moved heaven and earth to stay faithful. It is special, and sort of my personal secret that I can control the need to go out and act like I am a 19 year old stud (which is a million miles from what I am).
Unless your issue is some kind of sexual fetish or role playing, we are talking about simple self control.
Are you able to examine WHY you feel the need to go on a record breaking debauchery session? Is it still to prove that you can? Is it because you had this habit for many years, and it's tough to break? I understand.
But maybe there is more to life than the excitement of the chase, and the thrill of a new woman, no matter how temporary or how much you paid. Something like the great feeling of having the best woman in the world in love with you, and knowing that she knows all about your faults, and still stays with you.
Not even a foursome can beat that.
Is trying to have a sneaky wild time behind her back worth losing that feeling?
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Well therapy doesn't work overnight but at least you are trying and have by the sound of it stayed faithful. Congratulations on recognising that the wild sex alone wasn't enough.
Could you look at ways to spice up your sex life with your wife? You could talk about it together. She might be up for something wilder!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 June 2009):
I can understand you check other women out, and also your wanting to sleep with them. But cheating on your wife is not part of a good marriage. I think you have to give up on that if you want to stay married. That is what she expects from you.
Putting morals aside, just imagine the kind of pain and problems you could bring on yourself and her. From that point of view alone, sex on the side could end up not being worth the trouble.
"Comfortable" is a very tricky word here. Having sex on the side might feel like comfortable for you, but it would be hell for her.
I assume you had more than twenty wild years. That is not easy to give up. Maybe you have trouble adjusting to the new situation, now that you're married?
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A
female
reader, kittykhaos +, writes (7 June 2009):
 I have a friend who has this exact problem (he managed a music venue strippers groupies prostitutes etc.) He has never been in a relationship in which he hasn't cheated on his g/f but he is so un happy. Have you thought that maybe you could include your wife or talk to her about it. If you have no secrets from her then you should be able to talk about this. If she is not comfortable with the idea of joining you in your behaviours then maybe you need to realise that that part of your life needs to be over. I have lead a similar kind of life over the past couple of years but i was so disillusioned by the lack of emotional forfilment that all the sex in the world couldn't make up for it. I think once you have found emotional happiness it is not worth the risk just so you can get your rocks off.
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