A
male
age
41-50,
*onaldo
writes:Hi. I know this woman wants me and she's said that I'm the best man she's ever met. Yet, she has a child from a previous relationship and her ex has started making more demands of her time, expecting her to take the kid to and from him for visits. She's also lent him alot of money. She has told me about the difficult childhood he had and why it explains the physical and verbal abuse he gave her when they were together. It makes me so angry to think that he treated her like that and yet she feels duty bound somehow to him. She now says that parents should try and work it out for the sake of the kid. But she doesn't want him and it's killing me. I wish she'd give me the chance to be what her ex can't. I'll give her the time to decide what she wants but why has she made this decision?
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female
reader, cd206 +, writes (15 May 2007):
 She's made the decision because it agrees with her principles and morals. In some ways I am with her. I would always advise someone to work extra hard at their relationship for the sake of their child. So many couples just think about themselves and forget the child that never asked to be born to two such selfish people. However, in your friend's case I think I would advise her to leave because of the allegations of physical abuse. Although it is noble and wonderful to put your child first it should never be at the risk of either of your safety.. The decision she has made is very difficult and she needs the support of close friends without an ulterior motive right now. If you can't be that person can I suggest you make sure she has someone fulfilling that role and back off a little? Your view of the kid's dad will always be blackened because of your feelings for her and you can't be an objective supporter which is what she needs right now.
CD
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (15 May 2007):
 First, stop saying anything bad about her ex to her. It's a weird thing, but the more you say how horrible he is, the more she'll feel like she has to defend him (especially if you're right). You don't want her in that position anymore.
What you need to do is to get her to believe she (and the child) deserve better. She needs to recognize that she is not responsible for his abuse in any way. She may not want to be the one who leaves this "poor, abused" man all alone, and yet she has to. His abuse is not her fault, and his happiness is not her responsibility. She needs to protect herself, and she needs to protect her kid. Start working on her self confidence.
You might tell her that she owes her child the example of a healthy relationship, to keep him/her from choosing a relationship like his/her parents had. Ask her: "Would it bother you if your child turned out to be exactly like his/her father?" It might sober her to the reality that the child's exposure to this person should be limited.
She also needs to be made aware that any $$ she gives to the ex is $$ she can't spend on the child. Again, you have to do it without attacking the ex (which is really hard).
Hang in there and be a resource for her until she can see for herself that she's not responsible for this guy, and that she deserves to be happy without him, and that the kid would be happier too. Good luck.
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