A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupids.I am having trouble with the concept of a woman asking a man out. I was raised in a very traditional home and it was drilled into my head from early on that if a man is REALLY interested in a woman, he will ask her out, period, end of story. It is the woman's job to encourage him and show him interest but never to make the first move. Women just don't do that.I know that times have changed but even so, have attitudes really changed? Is there anyone out there, and I am especially interested in men's opinions, who believe that despite times changing, it is still the man's job to pursue the woman?Why do I ask? Well, there is this man I am friendly with. There is an unspoken attraction between us. I have given him signals and he has given me signals. But he seems afraid to ask me out or approach me beyond this friendship zone. I wonder is it because I am reading him wrong? Is he really not interested? Is he afraid of being rejected? Why is he not asking me out?Which leads me to my next question. Is it then up to me to do the asking? And this is where I have the problem. I have been given advice from friends that women are equal to men and it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to make the first move. On the other hand, IF he was really THAT interested, why wouldn't he be doing it??? The fact he isn't doing something about it is making me stop dead in my tracks. Why should I be the one to ask him out? I am thinking he can't really be interested enough in me if he does not make a move. Why should I be the one to put myself out there and lay all my cards on the table?What is your opinion about this? Am I overthinking this? Is it okay for me to ask him out for coffee? I just don't want to be rejected or look like a fool if he says no. I also don't want to give him all the power in knowing that I am interested -- because if I ask him out -- he will know for sure. Will men use that to their advantage? Don't men like the chase and if a woman is too available, they will be put off? Do men like a hard to get woman instead of one who pursues them?The bottom line is somebody has to make the first move or we can dance around each other forever and never really take a chance.But the views I was brought up with that if a guy likes you he will ask you out are interfering with my taking the initiative and making a move on him. I feel that I should just leave him alone and if he is interested he will pursue me.What are you thoughts about this? Should I hang back?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 August 2011):
I think you'll find that over the past thousands of years, there are a great many women who have missed out on good men because of this idea that 'men must ask women out'. There will be a lot of women who have fancied a good man, failed to make it truly obvious (by just asking him), then watched as he's moved on. At which point said woman will usually settle for second best out of terror of being alone.
The real fact of the matter is, there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out. My girlfriend was the one who approached me, and I've been with her for 2 and half years. Wouldn't it have been a real shame if she hadn't, and both of us had never known what could have been?
If you like this man, don't was time sending out confusing signals. A man will not understand them, and will quickly get bored and move on somewhere else.
Don't waste time and miss out on something that could be very special in favour of waiting for him to ask you. He might be shy, he might not have a clue how you feel, he might be confused. But that's better than losing him then having to wait for another guy and going through the same thing again.
A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 I was brought up with the same views, and had thought that way for a long time. With saying that I met a guy that I really liked and I could tell he liked me, but he wasn't doing anything about it. So in the end, I asked him out and it was the best thing I ever did. Some men like the chase, but some don't. In my case, he was thinking the same things I was, that you are now thinking. Some guys like when a girl makes the first move, I know that my boyfriend did. I decided that it was better to ask him out then always wonder what if, and I am glad I did, because he is an amazing boyfriend and we are planning our future together. Once I asked him out, he felt comfortable telling me how he felt and what he wants for us. I would say go for it and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Men might say alot of things. Go for it, they like it, it takes the pressure off them, etc. But unless the "men" you are asking the question to have personal experience with being asked out and pursued by a woman that they ended up falling for, you are probably better off asking women who have actually done the deed.
Just in the last week at my job I have seen two women chasing men and both have been rejected. Solid. They are both charming, pretty girls.
In my experience, I have never known a man who likes to be pursued by a girl. Maybe in the short term but that's about it. Why? I don't know. We are NOT equal (not in that way anyways.) Our make up is different. That is why men have different genitals than women.
If you want to ask the guy out for coffee in a platonic way, do it, nothing wrong with that. But leave the romancing to him. Just like you were programmed to be "traditional," men were programmed to chase/pursue women. And therefore, subconsciously, they are already putting you in a category depending on the way you behave. If you start chasing him he is going to make assumptions about you that you probably are not going to like (I have seen this happen so many times).
If he is not trying to pursue you or romance you, don't take it upon yourself to do it. Just "next" him and find someone who does want to pursue you and romance you. That simple.
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A
female
reader, green eyed mulatto +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Well after I read this I want to be thee first to agree with the fact a man should ask the woman out....but if it's real and ginuwine interest in another person it shouldn't matter who ask who as long as it happens I say go for it if the other person is giving you the rite signs!
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A
female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 I think you should ask him out for coffee. Be casually and friendly and see where it goes from there.
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