A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I broke up 4 weeks ago yesterday. We were together for 5 years. We haven't spoken in 7 days today. When we spoke a week ago it was about 3.5 hours of going over shit that happened in our relationship from years ago. We discussed our trust issues and other things that just wasn't working. Anyway, I walked away from him because he'd been acting indifferent towards me the last couple of months. He wasn't as attentive, nor as affectionate, would go days without really making any conversation. I felt like he wanted out but was too chicken to do it, therefore I cut the string for him.The reason I'm writing right now is because I'm missing him so badly. I'm only moving on with my life because I have to. Every day has been a struggle for me. I keep trying to forget him but it doesn't work. I force myself to think about all the bad things but my mind goes right back into the good moments and what I could have done different. I was a pretty terrible gf to him, always accusing him of things, arguing over stupid things, clingy, needy, jealous. He told me last week that our relationship was hell. I've since been going to therapy for my issues and am working on myself. Now, he wasn't perfect by no means and was just as equally terrible to me, often doing things to get a rise out of me. Doing things to make me jealous, or to behave clingy by doing the push-pull bullshit. If he knew something would get me riled up, he'd do it and then tell me he couldn't handle my bitching about it. Neither one of us acted this way for the longest time but it seems as if we both brought out the worst in each other as time progressed. Which I don't understand because we both did actually love each other and was once upon a time in love with one another. He told me last week that he really did love me but it was getting washed away by all the bullshit. I agree.I keep hoping inside that one day we will reconcile and things will be better but I'm not getting my hopes up. We're both stubborn so even if we both wanted it, neither one of us would make that first step. Well, he probably would before I would but I'm not sure that will happen. I think the damage has been done. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. I'm just having a hard time with all this today. It sucks because sometimes when you're with someone you think nothing will happen and you'll just always be together, but it doesn't happen that way. If you make mistakes/and or mistreat your partner, you may NEVER get another chance to make up for it. I regret how I treated him, he probably doesn't regret the things he's done (he's a finger pointer), but I do. I really loved him and didn't act like it most of the time. Regardless of how he treated me, I wish that I could go back and have treated him the way he should have been.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): Excuse yourself for being human, and having feelings. Everything you've described about your feelings are typical of how everyone who has ever experienced a breakup feels. At least one of the two involved anyway.
Five years is a long-time to detach your feelings from. So I can truly understand how difficult this is for you.
Here's something to run through your mind and understand that maybe hasn't quite hit yet. You're still in shock, and going through the grief of your loss. It's natural to reminisce over the good-times; and you may ruminate on the thoughts of blissful-moments from the past, over and over in your head. That is the natural process of detaching from a long-time romantic-connection to another person.
Your conscious-mind realizes you're apart; now the more stubborn subconscious-mind has to undergo a very agonizing process of letting go. This comes in phases, before your subconscious accepts the reality that it is over.
You can love someone, and still be completely incompatible. Totally bad for each other. It may have lasted only because you feared loneliness apart; and you were pretty co-dependent on each other after so many years together. You were living on negative-energy. The relationship grew too toxic to survive. You gave-up first. You'll second-guess that decision. Don't! It was best. If nothing changes, that means it wasn't meant to be. The relationship has run its course.
The love you think you feel, changed a longtime ago. That's why you're looking "back" on "how it used to be." It didn't progress into something more positive; it instead, disintegrated into something negative. A series of disagreements, arguments, estrangement, and conflict.
The reality is, you both changed as individuals during that five-years; but your relationship couldn't adapt to those changes in you. That's because you were a bad match for each other.
If you were a good-match, you would have worked your way through things. You would have had more respect for each others feelings, and forgiveness would have come more fluidly. Everyone makes mistakes, and in order to correct them; you first have to own them. The blame-game prevents that.
It's way too early for you to see things as clearly as you will perhaps in weeks and months to come. You still have to undergo the process of withdrawal from each other. You've only just started to feel it. The pain comes and goes. You fight to pull yourself back. Like any other grief, it gets its grip on you. You'll struggle with your conflicted feelings, and you will regain some control over your emotions.
Time is the healer. I know that sounds like the typical cliche advice; but healing doesn't happen over-night. You'll get through the worst of it. Trust me, I've been there.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 April 2015):
 It's not going to go away anytime soon. The fact that you are NOW taking responsibility for YOUR actions and are seeking help is something you can hold on to, for a future relationship. IF you are going to GO over and OVER this relationship take what you CAN from it in lessons. Lessons of what NOT to do next time.
Keeping in contact MAY not work well for either of you. So maybe try no contact.
Going over mistakes made with him is kind of "A Day Late and a Dollar Short" for THIS relationship. And no matter how MUCH you go over it, it won't FIX the past.
When YOU are ready to let it go, you will.
KEEP doing the therapy and work on YOUR issues. You can't fix his, only yours.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 April 2015):
 "The first cut is the deepest" lyric from a song that I fail to remember the title. Anyway, you may never "et over it" I know I'll never forget mine and that was many decades ago. Just tough it out. your next BFF wil be beer and the pain will diminish somewhat. Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2015):
 I am afraid you won't ever feel much better until you give yourself your own closure, and until keep just paying lip service to the fact that this is a break up, but without really accepting it as such in your heart and brain.
Like, the best would be to go NC , at least for a good while. In fact, until it feels so raw for you, NC is a must- then, eventually, when you have taken the edge off things a little, you two may decide if you want to stay friends or not ( although, if you ask me, most times, just better not ). But now, every time you talk to him you renew the connection and the pain, if you just had a long conversation 7 days ago, it's like you had broken up 7 days ago ! And a conversation about what ? The classic " you did... no, YOU did.. your fault, no your fault.... " That's not closure, that's an exercise in futility and a disguised way of clinging to the past. What difference does it make who did what to whom, or who made the most mistakes, or whose fault really was it ??? It's OVER . You were both unhappy, nobody was getting what they needed out of this , with the best of the intentions you could not make it work. ( And, if you are the poster whom I think you are, you also are rewriting the past a lot, and glossing over a lot of things, because, IF you are the OP I have in mind, you have talked in more details about your ex in several previous posts, and, he was an absolute nightmare ! not just " he had his faults too " . Absolutely unfit for a sane r / ship ! But of course, I may be taking you for somebody else ). Anyway, for whatever reason it did not work. To the point one of you HAD , with regret, to say game over. Then,... let it be over and stop rehashing the past! there's no prize to win even if he admits his mistakes !
Ditto for the whole " I hope but I don't really hope " issue. If you sort of , like, kind of, think that MAYBE... if you are lucky... if he misses you a lot... if you give him time... he will come back..... then , it will never be over. Because, as improbable as his come back may be... part if you will still be waiting for it and it will never feel like a real break up.
You can make it a real break up only if you decide that you will NOT take him back even if he asks you. Not because he deserves to be punished, or because you want revenge or anything. Just because you have seen that for being happy together only love is not enough ( strange, but it's never enough ), it also takes a compatibility in wants, needs and personality, which, alas ,you two did not have. But this is something you'd have to decide ; you would have to tell yourself : no, with much sorrow and much regret, still I would NOT take him back, because I want to be happy and with him I can't be.
Otherwise, it's like rehearsing a brekup, or play acting a break up... but it's not exactly like the real thing.
And if you know that you can't do that ? If you just can't bring yourself to say sincerely " enough ". If deep down you know that , just in case, he could have you back any time he wants ?....
Then, frankly , I would stop to try and fool myself, would stop " playing at " break up. Either in- or out.
If you feel that you just can't live without this man, even if you were making each other miserable- cool, ask him back, whom do you have to give account to ? It may be an unwise decision, but it's your decision, you do not need anybody's permission, not even Dear Cupid's :), even for unwise stuff. Call him up, take him back, make peace, keep your fingers crossed ( and accept that this relationship would entail a lot of times when you feel miserable ).
I feel that you can't have it both ways, staying broken up but on the fence, not talking to him... but talking to him, not hoping but hoping....again, I fear you can't make any progress toward acceptance and peace of mind this way.
You just need to decide what do you really want- or, what will hurt you LESS in the long run.
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