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female
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*indseye
writes: I think this question might be a bit BIG to ask here, but I only ever think it to myself so it's nice to know that other people can finally know my thoughts [on relationships].Ok... I am young[ish] (i'm 24) and although I've had sexual relationships in the past I have not had a relationship in about 3 years. To look at I'm totally 'normal' and I believe that if I made a conscious decision to be with someone then I would find someone. The problem is that I have no sex drive, I enjoy kissing, but I do not enjoy sex and as such believe it's be unfair to begin any relationship. The reason behind why I won't begin one is my question: do you think there will be someone [male] that would enter an intimate, but non-sexual relationship with someone? I would be ok about them having sexual affairs out of the relationship (after all a man has needs), but if they did would it always become more than that and as such there is no point in me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2006): mindseye this line from you worries me:
"I would be ok about them having sexual affairs out of the relationship (after all a man has needs)"
I think you have probably been involved with maybe guys who have had the same (bad) views towards sex and their needs. Not all men are the same though!
I actually agree with David's post and am similar to him.
Personally, I would absolutely love to meet a girl who didn't want to start having a sexual relationship, nor expect one, straight away. I equate holding back on sex with a strength of character and respect for themselves. If things went well between us, I would probably be more than happy to wait until we were married.
It's not that I don't like or really enjoy sex, or that I have a low sex drive, it's quite the opposite, and I think sex can be unbelievably great, but from my experiences and others experiences, I always see how such an intimate thing can also damage a relationship, you get sexually involved with someone too early and it opens up too much emotional feelings at a time that is too premature. I believe sex is ultimately intended for people who are married, and every day that goes by reading this website, the view that people have sex way too early is again, and again, supported.
mindseye I think you should tell the guy you're interested in what your views are towards sex, you DO NOT agree that they can be with someone else, and, if they are right for you (in that they share your beliefs) you will end up having a fantastic - successful - relationship with them.
Wait as long as it takes and never doubt yourself or your beliefs, because it is these that will help you in life.
A
male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (20 August 2006):
 I would be perfectly happy to be in a sexless relationship.
I love my fiancee dearly and just being with her is more than enough for me.
I prefer the emotion and feelings of just being in company of a person. I do enjoy sex, I think it is amazing when with the right person.
I feel sex is an important part of a relationship, I also think you would have an increased sex drive if you were with the right person.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 August 2006):
 Well I would advise you had better be upfront with the no sex thing. Most guys will turn and run. If you get anybody to stick around then you've got a start on a relationship. I believe there is someone for everybody so I guess you just have to start looking. In your case it may take awhile so be patient. Good luck.
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female
reader, mindseye +, writes (17 August 2006):
mindseye is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm just replying to a couple of readers comments:
1) 'I don't understand why you want to meet a man for a relationship when you admit that you're not interested in the physical side'
- i believe there is a lot more to intimate relationships [which you can't get from friendships] than just sex, hence why I posted this problem. Emotional intimacy being fundamental though not defining to these relationships.
2) 'See a doctor and look into seeing a psychologist to rule out the physical and psycological aspects of a lack of intrest'
- I have ruled out the psychological side; years of introspection plus a degree in psychology has enabled me to consider this problem both subjectively and objectively; I am however aware that being part of the problem can lead one to trivialise it. With respect to the physical side; I have never had a high sex drive, it has however in recent years subsided, though not drastically, which is perhaps linked to hormonal problems.
I am not challenging anything that has been written, as I appreciate all advice; I just think this is how i am, which begs the question:
Is there anyone else out there like me? [nobody likes to be different and alone] ???
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): Get some counselling. Also look into you and your parnter exploring your body and the material out there that can aid you.
A walk to your local bookstore on your own and researching will be a start as well as going to your family doctor with your concerns.
You may be refered to a psychologist who deals with such matters or you may be given some medicine.
It could just be who you are and how you are but the whole idea of being with someone that you can not sexually fulfill is not a good or healthy relationship.
See a doctor and look into seeing a psychologist to rule out the physical and psycological aspects of a lack of intrest.
Good luck.
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female
reader, pica +, writes (11 August 2006):
Sorry, but I don't understand why you want to meet a man for a relationship when you admit that you're not interested in the physical side. What do you want from a guy given that you've already drawn a boundary? There probably are men out there who feel the same as you so you might meet one but I'd steer clear of any arrangement that involves your man having sex elsewhere - that's a sure way to problems for all.
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female
reader, Juliette +, writes (5 August 2006):
 My first marriage was spoiled by my lack of sex drive, as I never had any desire either. However, looking back it was also his fault, not that he knew it at the time, it was just that my inexperience and his inexperience meant neither of of knew that the female often takes much longer to become aroused and I just wanted to please him so it was bang bang thank-you mam so to speak. It wasn't until I hit my 30s that I knew how to have an orgasm. One day as my second husband was complaining I experimented masturbating even though I didn't feel I needed to just to see what all the fuss was about ... and it happened. Not earth shattering, but it helped with the intimacy thing, and the more you have the more you want. Don't worry about it, when someone comes along who you feel right with, not just sex, he will need to be patient with you and you will be OK. Even IF you don't desire sex, it doesn't stop you having it with someone you care deeply about. You would do it for love anyway.
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