A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in the perfect relationship, we have perfect chemistry.I just don't know why I have these overwhelming feelings of need towards him... He does everything right by me, he is faithful, he is loyal, he is loving, encouraging and supportive.When I was single, I was independant, I wasn't needy, I was happy on my own... now that I am in the perfect relationship I feel like I am deteriorating slowly without realising.I don't want this feeling anymore.Do I need to start a hobby? Change my job? I'm not sure...Please somebody help me? Or tell me to wake up to myself? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): i think we all have this feeling at one time or another. Im feeling a lot of this myself. As children we have somewhat of a fairy tale expectation. Even if/when life gives us all we asked for, there is that unsettling 'is this all there is' feeling. There are things in life that only we within ourselves can fill. No other person can give you that inner peace. when i am unhappy with myself and my choices, i tend to project that onto those around me. But the truth is i lose focus of the important things...a lot of people throw away a great life looking for something to fill the voids only to regret it deeply later. One man told me, 'if i only had now, what i had when i didnt think i had anything'...good luck and to quote one of my favorite aunties here...make your own peace.
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Maybe you are frightened of losing what you have got so you are hanging onto it as tightly as possible. Feelings like this do stem from insecurity so you need to get that old independent you back again. I am very well aware from my past that desperate and needy are not attractive traits to anyone but especially to men who constantly seem to crave their own space however well a relationship is going. Infact the better it is the more they seem to feel content in asking for space as they are content in what they have.
You need to analyze these feelings of neediness and see what you actually feel needy about. Is it him being with you all the time, wanting to know where he is, do you require more attention or something along these lines. You need to pin point what it is that actually triggers the neediness. Mine was a terrible fear of being alone.
Sincerely Yours's last paragraph is especially poignant - this honeymoon period will not last forever and then some imperfections will be revealed. When he does appear less perfect would that make you feel less needy? Do you feel that at this moment in time you do not measure up?
Remember what attracted him to you in the first place was you being independent, outgoing, fun, sociable etc etc so start doing what you used to do again before you got into this relationship, even if you only go out without him only once a week and the feelings will subside and you will be assertive again and regain your confidence which will dispell the needy feelings. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, AngellicaWaters  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 This happens in a lot of relationships. When you meet someone you want to spend all of your time with, you give up the great things that make your life even more fulfilling, like hobbies and friends. And if you didn't have those to begin with, then you are setting yourself up to lose a lot if the relationship ends.
It's important to maintain a balance and have interests and friends of your own that you can enjoy. This also adds to your relationship, in that you have more interesting things to share when you are together. Some couples run out of things to say because all of their experiences are shared and neither is adding anything unique.
Enjoy this relationship, but absolutely take time for yourself too even if you have to force yourself to do it. It is good for both of you to do this.
I hope this helps! :-)
-Angellica Waters
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (9 October 2009):
 My guess is that your relationships in the past could have been better. Be they with your friends, family, or boyfriends. In their could-have-been-better-ness you learnt that you obviously cannot depend on anyone but yourself. Your happiness is up to you; life is what you make it, et cetera. You got used to this and while it's a satisfying and confident feeling to be dependent on only yourself, it's also not a fairytale. Wouldn't we all love to have someone there on whome we can rely on? To make us happy; be there in times of need; have our backs; be our cushion to fall on? And I mean someone besides our parents.
But stop and think about it:
When you're on your own, your confident. You esteem is up and you thouroughly instill the idea into your mind that you need no one nothing that you can't give yourself.
But now this perfect man has interupted your everyday thought proccess. He has knocked you off your chair, swept you off your feet, blown you away etc. And in that state of feeling that someone else is so unbareably perfect and right, we begin to feel slightly inferior. Maybe we don't realize it, but I believe it happens. And in that, our esteem is knocked slightly down. Not to a level that disturbs our lives or patterns or makes us feel badly about ourselves, but to a level that increases our dependence on that person , decreases our independence, if you will. We just need that person to keep making us feel wonderful. Especially if you've had bummer relationships in your life. you don't want that feeling to go away. You crave it and crave it and you cling to it. Almost like holding onto your hat so it doesn't blow away in the wind.
You found that cushion, that shoulder, that happiness, so your need to do everything for yourself has reduced. And why shouldn't it? It's great to be independent, but it doesn't hurt to let someone else pick up the slack.
You can try to recreat your independence, but don't go back completely. It's nice to learn to trust and let someone help you. I'm sure it makes him feel neeeded. But don't let it chagne your life (i.e. your job), just don't call him as much. Don't ask him as many quesitons, or for as many favours. Hold back occassionally. But not tto often. Don't push him away.
And also, just a little input here that you didn't ask for, I know everything seems perfect right now, but later on, there will be imperfections revealed to you. So you must not rely on this honeymoon period to last. Don't put yourself so high in a fairytale that you end up disappointed later. It's good to learn that the one you love isn't perfection. It makes him/her seem more human and less too-good-to-be-true. I'm sure you love all those little quarks you discover.
Take care. Goodluck.
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