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I am in my mid-20's and still single, and I have no clue why!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 January 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 26 August 2012)
A male Canada age 30-35, *utnik29 writes:

I am currently in my mid 20s and I have never been in a long term relationship in my life. Why do you think this could be?

here are the details about myself

The longest I went out with a woman is 2 dates and i have had countless first dates. The odd thing is that i have many things going for me except this, and I cannot figure out why. My childhodd was fine(i didnt like doing things much), I have no complaints about my parents or sister whatsoever.

I have had numerous flings usually when i travel or at frat parties back in the day, but the next morning i would get this empty feeling that I am back at square one. Unfortunately I am the last single guy left in my circle of friends which means that I end up going to clubs and doing singles types of activities alone(no wingmen left) or end up being the 5th wheel.

When i was in my early 20s I was all work and no play . I was also less inclined to talk to women. I studied most of the time(went out on fridays) and worked part time. I decided then to try to change thing up in order to be more comfortable in female settings and to do the things i gave up on before. With that attitude, I finished learning french(now fluent). Back in high school i avoided dancing now I am comfortable in club settings(i can dance salsa and am still practicing tango). I get cut eye from my buddies since their girlfriends would rather dance with me in a club. I have always had employment. The odd thing is that I still cannot find companionship. After the parties, I end up walking home alone(just like in the old days).

The loneliness would sometimes get to me to have melancholy thoughts which made me go to a psychiatrist at the university who determined that I was not depressed(she told me that i have a social not a mental problem and that i should go out more, which i do as much as i can).

The only thing that all my effort ended up making me become the king of the friend zone. When I am outside with with other grad students I always end up running into girls I know. The students jokingly refer to me as a bio pimp. I get compliments from my appearance from women at work, and gay men at this party ( when i used to Dj with friends during undergrad) so i must be alright looking(I rock climb and swim, and i have all my teeth).

I think it may be due to my actions on dates. I really dont know what I am supposed to do? I guess i have a knack to bore women who knows? I know i can listen how much about myself am i supposed to say? Some of my friends told me that I am too nice.

I listened to them to be a bit of a dick. I tried it on this girl I really liked and the last thing she told me before she went back to France was: "f... you" and gave me the finger(i took the teasing too far).

Unfortunately, I live at home and my scholarship is not large enough for me to pay rent(even with a roomate) and my student debts(which i will pay off next year).

There is not much privacy in my house(my father works night shift and my mother during the day).

View related questions: at work, debt, depressed, teasing, university

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A male reader, Putnik Canada +, writes (26 August 2012):

Even more updates. Well I have a girlfriend now. Things are good. I met her at a bar with friends. We have a mutual firend who introduced us and we hit it off.

She is the type of girl I would have never met at a nightclub or bar since she is a big introvert. She is a lovely girl.

My advice would be to do the activities you like and meet women there whatever it is. I will reiterate that dance classes are always a great place for meeting women.

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A male reader, Putnik Canada +, writes (16 March 2012):

Well, no relationship yet, but I pretty much found out why

3 reasons

1) Living with the folks prevented me from doing anything serous with girls. I never brought back women to my place. The house we live in is damn small and the walls are made of paper.

I moved out in 2011 into a tiny studio near the campus when grad school got really tough( i was on campus at least 6 days a week). With the knowledge that i had a place close by i was a lot more comfortable with women which helped me pick them up. I saw 2 of them during that time(for like 2 weeks) and they broke it off( they didnt like me,).

2) not enough free time. I had to kill off all my extra-curricurals as school was getting real tough and as a result i didnt go out as much. Plus school added a lot of stress so I ended up being a lot less relaxed than my buddies with normal jobs.

3) Money. All of my friends in stable relationships have normal jobs, can pay rent and are able to go out to non-student bars(only one friend lives at home but his gf lives in a large house with her parents so they have the whole basement to themselves, they both work though). Money plays a large part of it. You need some disposable cash. Unfortunately toronto downtown is both very expensive rentwise and nightlife so you need cash( a 500ml can of beer is 2 dollars at the liquor store and a pint sets you back at least 7 dollars), so i would abstian from going out to save cash.

4) thinking of other peoples opinion. I would pay attention what others thought of me, especially women who have a great knack for emasculting men. I am trying real hard to not give a rats ass about the opinion of stangers

right now ironically that i am done with school and am back at the parents place, but I am not stressed about it. Still no Girlfriend, but I have to say that my situation is due to all of these circumstances combined: no place, little free time, lots of stress from grad school(especially as grad scholl is not like a normal job, there is always something to do especially in the sciences), little money for a late 20s guy combines into this situation.

So the plan is now to chill and find a job real quick so i can move out pronto.

So, guys if you want a girlfriend stay away from grad school unless your parents can help subsidize you(then all the power to you)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011):

Hi there.

It's been a year, could you update on your situation, as it looks very close to mine? Has there been any changes?


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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010):

Tis is sorta weird. Like if this is all true then i see two causes.

1) you could have like really bad luck. Maybe you just hit on the club rats and the sort of girls not into serious stuff

2) you have no clue what to do with a girl alone that is sober or is some girl from a frat party.

I guess try being mean again but tone it down a few notches

Have you checked out the mystery method? He can help. It looks like you dont have trouble meeting women, just you dont know how to keep them around. So you won half the battle.

I dont know, but this is weird

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A female reader, kitcub United States +, writes (21 January 2010):

Okay first huge red flag is that you are at least 26 and still living with your parents. I know its not your fault, but that is a huge turn off for any girl and privacy is a must. Also guys never seem to get this whole "you are too nice thing." That doesn't mean you need to be a dick. What it means is you need to have an exciting edge to you. Don't be a push over and treat her like a glass doll who is going to break without you and understand that she wants to do exciting things. Romantic stuff is good, but do something crazy and fun and unexpected. You make yourself sound too safe. Also you sound like a little bit of an overachiever and that can be intimidating which is not fair, but girls might just think you are too good for them. Try to just be relaxed and fun and down for anything, move out of your parents house as soon as you can.

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