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female
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anonymous
writes: i started this affair with this guy 8 years younger than me,he lives with his partner and 2 kids i asked him why he was doing it but he wont give me a answer,there was some guilt on his part so i said lets end it because of this but he still wants to see me.thing is i think he has this fantasy with threesomes and thats what he wants me for,but he's out of luck there.is there a void in his relationship at home or what,he does admit to something missing but he doesnt know what.he seems quite a loving sort of guy.he is very laid back.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 You don't need to try and figure out why he's having the affair but rather why YOU are having this affair and why YOU don't feel any guilt. Look deep inside yourself and figure out why you wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't already taken. Why are you willing to settle for sloppy seconds?
A
male
reader, unclerich +, writes (10 August 2006):
i bet its not the first affair this guy has had.y are you still sleepin wiv this guy??how would you feel in his partners shoes???he's doing it because after 3 years in a relationship people are scared of what could happen such as they might a mortage kids etc...they just love their partner and not in love.affairs add excitiment
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): Ooops...I need to clarify. At the end of my posting, the word "unavailable" should have read "available". Sorry about the mistake. But all in all, I think you know what I meant, dear. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): There are a multitude of reasons why men and women have affairs. Some do it because their primary relationship has gone stale, some do it..just because they can get away with it. Some want attention, acknowlegment, understanding, companionship, excitement or adventure. But if your guy is talking about 'threesomes', it's plainly obvious his reason for this affair is likely to fulfill his own fantasies. He might find that sexual intercourse boosts his self-esteem and helps him feel good about himself. If this is the case then this is just sex and it's really is just all about him, isn't it? In my opinion, having sex with a man who simply wants his sexual thrills, sounds quite lonely for you. He 'boinks' you and then goes home to his partner and family, who get the true benefit of his emotional support and love. And please, don't make the the assumption that his life partner has lost interest in sex because this guy is getting it from you. Perhaps, he just wants a different type of sex (re: threesomes) something more daring, exciting, different. Something his life partner has said "no" to. He may be loving, affectionate and nice to you but when men cheat, they quite often are this way. It helps them get what they want. To be honest with you hun, I have never been a fan of men who don’t end their primary relationships, but instead, decide to step out and cheat on their partner/spouses. Clearly, something lacking in their characters. This fellow does not have the compassion to be involved in a love relationship including his primary relationship. (gf/kids) If he is having troubles at home, then usually a person with a heart and commitment, would work this out with their partner and get through this. The guy is a cad...kick his butt to the curb and go find some one who is unavailable and give you a future.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 He isn't loving...he is cheating on his partner. I think you should stop analysing the reasons why he wants the affair as you may never know the truth...affairs are always a tangled mess of lies and deception with the biggest deception often being self-deception (...lots of women and men think the person will leave their partner if they just hang on long enough). You seem to be waiting for him to feed you a line about how much he wants to be with you to justify the relationship. Whatever he does say is not really relevant - it is just a line and actions speak louder than words...his action is to see you and go home to her.
Why ask him for his reasons for continuing the relationship unless you are trying to make it something it is not? Being unhappy at home isn't a good reason for being with you - it means you are filling a gap in his life that he perceives no.1 woman not to be meeting. Whatever his reasons it is irrelevant at the end of the day - you cannot control him but you can control you. YOu already suggested ending the affair so why not end it for good for yourself (what he wants is not the point)...you could never trust this guy even if he left his partner for you (after all he is a cheater), and he has kids too - send him back to his partner and suggest he sorts out his relationship difficulties.
Don't be used as a plaster over his emotional sores - it is debilitating and not very good for the self esteem to be used in this way. Stop being passive and accepting what he wants and instead begin to like yourself enough not to accept a relationship with a man who belongs with someone else. Plenty of single guys out there!
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