A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So someone i worked with is no longer talking to me. She knows that i like her as i always complimented her and even told her straight out "i like you". But something happened that she now ignores me. And i wish i knew what it was because it is messing with my head and making me feel worthless. She recently quit about a month ago and the day before she quit she texted me asking if i was coming in tomorrow. Unfortunately i was off the next 2 days so when i come back to work and look for her, they tell me she put in her papers and quit 2 days ago. So why would she want to know if i was coming in the next day if the next day was her last? Did she want to talk? Kiss me goodbye? I feel she wanted to tell me something face to face because of the nature of our friendship. She knows i'm into her, she never rejected my flirts, and now you're asking if i am coming in tomorrow knowing that it's your last day. What gives? I have text her 3 times since then and i have gotten no response. And now i'm beginning to think i did something to be ignored and i dont deserve to feel this way. Why do some of you do this? Do you think it's funny to play with someone's emotions like this? I know some of you are already saying "move on" "get over it" but it's not that simple when you like someone. Now after 3 attempts to text her and no response i feel like if i try one more time i'll be harassing her so i am fighting myself not to contact her. Advice please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): The anonymous female reader below is telling you exactly what I've told you. She is expressing it as your ex-coworker is probably thinking; while you've dismissed everything everyone, and myself, have tried to tell you.
I can tell a guy who won't take no for an answer; and my friend...you are one of them! Yes, I even threw the law at you; because you are walking on thin ice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): Your third message would have creeped the hell out of me. I would be thinking, 'Oh my God, this guy REALLY cant take the hint and won't give up.' It's scary because it says, 'Come on, I like you, respond to me, because I like you. I don't care if you don't feel the same, because I'm as entitled as fuck and all that matters to me, is what I want. I'm missing you.'
This is the kind of attitude that scares the hell out of women.
Your follow up from my hounding comment has shown me, even more definitely, that you are ALL about YOU.
What this woman wants is in no way important to you. Abusive men with personality disorders think like you.
Your third message would have creeped me out because it says, 'I'm here! And you're not responding to me! And I want you to. What you want doesn't matter.'
In the sentence after you relate your third message, you actually cite a reaction that you seem to find acceptable, where you say, "Some guys go bonkers! Hey WTF, I've been trying to get with you.'
So in your world, if YOU want a woman she HAS to want you back??? If you've been trying to get with her.....she has to comply????
How would you feel, if a woman you did not find at all attractive in any way, kept sending you messages implying that you should be responding to her, because she likes you? I think that this woman at your work that you are infatuated with, has got your measure and can see how entitled you are. She isn't risking replying to you at all because she knows you well enough by now, that you would probably see ANY response as encouragement.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): Oh Boy.
First of all, the article that OP quotes from the psychologists is all about people who are ALREADY IN RELATIONSHIPS using silent treatment as a weapon in fighting (hence the no 5 in the article, it can destroy your relationship). This is NOT about not replying to someone's text with whom you aren't even in a relationship.
Anyway, if you think not replying to someone's text is SO terrible as you say OP, then why would you want anything to do with this woman?
I have to say, you seem to be an incredibly dramatic person who takes everything to extremes. You seem to have a LOT of anger and pain over something that was never even a relationship. And I am sorry that you are experiencing such intense emotions. I think this does indicate that you may have other issues that might benefit from a counselor, or from working on things like meditation and self-awareness.
I can see how maybe your intense-ness could scare potential partners off. I am telling you this so that you can grow and learn from this experience. Even if you were the most attractive guy in the planet, I would be quite intimidated by your levels of first of all sweet-talking, and then anger/ pain when things go wrong.
Best thing is to move on and, yes, try to develop a greater sense of humor about things and a lighter side. It will make life a lot sweeter in the end.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 April 2020):
 You don't want your behaviour to be described as " hounding " - I checked the dictionary, just to be sure, and actually the first and main definition it gives ( after the literal one, of chasing after a prey with dogs ) is : to pursue someone consistently or relentlessly- which IMO is a fitting description of what you are doing. But, Ok. As you wish. Let's not use the verb " to hound ".
Shall we say , though, that you are bothering her ? pestering her ? badgering her ?.... Whatever we call it, you are insisting to wear her down, and to get the result you want , against her wish and inclination.
If she wanted to be in touch with you- she would have answered . She does not reply, ergo she does not wish to communicate with you, and the more you insist, not only the more you irk her, but the more this can add up to constitute harassment and have legal ripercussions.
In this light, it should be easier for you to abstain from contacting her.
Look, you can expound all the moral and psychological considerations you want , and for part of them you 'd probably also have a point, but, at the end of the day, it's very simple, this is not rocket science :
you texted ger once, - she never replied.
Ok. Many people would have got the hint right away, that for whatever reasons of hers your interlocutor won't make herself available to you.
But, being the first message, you could also have had the legitinate doubt that maybe she di not see teh message or wanred to answer but then just forgot , or felt too sick for conversation, whatever- hence :
second try. Still no answer.
At this point, °most° peopel would have gotten the hint . You did not, so :
3rd message. Again, no reply.
...And you have to " fight yourself " for not contacting her again ?? ...
Fight to have some basic respect , instead : for her , and her decisions , no matter how unpleasant they are to you.
But most of all, °for yourself°. Why do you have to struggle like this to force yourself down somebody's throat , as if you were some very unpalatable leftover food ?...
maybe this woman is not wires to "get " you, to appreciate you. Too bad. Maybe too bad for her, who knows, perhaps she is missing something good. Yet: so be it , don't make yourself a big nuisance , and let her go !
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020):Let me get this straight. She DOESN'T have the right to ignore you, BUT YOU have the right to hound her!!*****OK..i dunno what it is that some of you see in your hea after reading my replies, but can you or someone tell me where I am HOUNDING this girl? All along i have stated that i am fighting myself not to contact her. Thats because I havent. 3 texts in one month does not qualify as hounding. the first message was "hey i hope everything is alright, hit me up when u have the chance". second message "hey, did you forget us little people, lol? hope all is ok"?third message "hey, beginning to miss you here".******ALL within 9 to 11 days apart.****i like her. forgive me. this is what guys do when we feel ignored. some guys go bonkers--"hey WTF!! i been trying to get with you!!" or something like that.maybe i'm just a dramatic writer that has you all thinking i'm this psychopath with no life. CALM DOWN!! RE-read my posts. I never said i was "constantly crossing her work place boundaries". She works in a different dept i occasionally run into her because i have to get through her to see her boss...You are drawing a totally war-pathic scenario. Man, even i would be creeped out by me after reading your interpretations. This has not helped at all. i have found more solace reading the psych articles on emotional abuse. Thanks for your creative input...i think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2020): "i feel like if i try one more time i'll be harassing her so i am fighting myself not to contact her."
"But i must let this off my chest...ignoring a guy who likes you, in my opinion, is lame."
"In my opinion the only time you should ignore someone is when they offended you. If he/she cursed you, insulted you, etc..then that person deserves the ignore button."
"But if his only crime is liking you, he shouldn't have to feel devalued for doing so."
"Now, thank God i am not THAT bad. But i definitely feel #2 and #4." (Which confirms all that I've been saying!)
"2. It causes psychological stress."
"4. It can cause behavioral changes."
*That's exactly what worries me, dear sir!
"I agree that she doesnt owe me explanation."
Which is precisely why I am suggesting that you do not contact her after trying three times with no response!
Three strikes, you're out!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK so it seems like some of you want to be the sole educator and therefore only your opinion matters.Saying things like "Psychologists don't get to decide what our rights are and they have no power to compel anyone to do anything and are free to express their educated opinions" tells me that you have no respect for professionals. It's like having a heart specialist tell you to watch your cholesterol and you walk out of his office to order a fat steak because he doesnt have the power to compel you to do anything. Well technically you're right. No health professional has the power to make you do anything. But in this case, i would rather take the advice of a board certified psychologist who spent over 10 years studying human behavior and interned in psych clinics observing psych patients than the guy who may have a good view of human behavior but has not dedicated his life learning the ins and outs. I didn't post all this with the intentions to argue. I was merely pointing out that when it comes to ignoring someone, it is not recommended by mental-health professionals because there are consequences in giving the silent treatment. I pointed out 5 of them from a psych article. So if it is not recommended by professionals, pardon if i don't listen to "Excuse me, sir! She has every right to ignore you!" I'm done feeling like crap, I am worth more than this, and i know i'll get over it hopefully sooner than later. I think the anonymous guy who said "I think you failed to take the lite relationship further and played it along for too long" may have a point.I never really moved it up a notch because of the whole sexual harassment thing on the job. I took the course and the stuff they tell you is absurd. You basically cant do or say anything without having to worry if it's harassment. So i couldn't be the "aggressive" guy that i usually am and i may have turned her off with the same ol' routine of compliments and harmless flirts. But i'm not gonna go there and dwell on it. That will be another post all together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWise Owl....i dont know where you keep getting the impression that i am blowing up this girl's phone or harssing her to the point that i am jeopardizing my job.I only texted her 3 times since she left a month ago..thats 1 text every 10 days and it was nothing aggressive..I came in here to vent and hopefully get understanding advice instead i am getting the law thrown at me as if i was some maniac.I agree that she doesnt owe me explanation. Because that is something that should come from the heart.If all this time she knew she wasnt into me, she really should have made it clear.But she never did..I am beginning to believe the anonymous guy who said "you failed to take the lite relationship further and played it along for too long".He is right. I kept it simple but flirtatious because we work together and i didnt want to make things awkward.Maybe i was just too boring for her. I couldnt be the "man" that i usually am because I too took the sexual harassment course and once you take that course you realize that you cant do anything without worrying about harrassment.Try being yourself when the labor law says that if the woman feels its harrassment, then its harrassment..I may have just turned her off by not doing anything aggressive..This is a lost deal i know. But i will never agree that a woman has every right to ignore you if he never did or say anything offensive. He deserves to be let go respectfully.If you never been through this, good for uou. I wouldnt wish this on anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020): " She knows i'm into her, she never rejected my flirts, and now you're asking if i am coming in tomorrow knowing that it's your last day. What gives?"
Maybe she just wanted to make a quiet and uneventful getaway! Not having to deal with rejecting you face to face; while everyone else is simply seeing her off. If you persist in making advances, and ignore that a person is avoiding or repelling you; you don't respect their space or boundaries. You force them to accept your flirtations. You see what you want to see. Thus the #METOO movement!
When inappropriately approached, most people (male or female) freeze when placed in an awkward situation on their jobs. It's hard to report when some guy won't leave you alone; not knowing how the company will handle it. Some will fire you, and sweep it under the rug. They'll harass or intimidate you to keep you quiet. While you're googling the psychological-affects of ignoring people; google about the Equal-Opportunity Employment Commission's rules on sexual-harassment and intrusive pursuit!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020): I think this has more to do with your male-pride; than it has to do with the psychological-trauma of being ignored. It seems more to me you're insulted that she should have the nerve and unmitigated gall to reject you. This isn't a breakup we're discussing here!
Yes sir, I do agree that when people are emotionally-connected within a close-relationship (be it family, friend, or romantic); it can be quite hurtful to be ignored by someone who supposedly cares for you. Your argument is not applicable to distant or casual-affiliations (i.e. former-coworkers); or pushy infatuated-men, who insist on making a romantic-connection! With whom you're not interested in that way! It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind! She may have met someone!
This lady is merely an ex-coworker! With whom you obviously have a crush. When she left, your affiliation is now cancelled. The more emotional or impassioned you are about this; the more it seems you're becoming obsessed. If a female feels threatened (or "stalked") by a persistent male-pursuer, it becomes a police matter. Psychologists have something to say about that too; and so do law-enforcement professionals.
No matter how you feel about it; I don't think she really wants to maintain any further contact. Any female in this kind of situation; if it's a guy blowing-up her phone that she doesn't wish to talk to, she may try to discourage him by not responding to his contact-attempts. We advise people to block calls and their social-media accounts; when they wish to go "no contact." That's what you do when you want "no contact!"
You can rationalize all you like with Googled psychological-analysis about ignoring people. Grown-ups have to deal with rejection with dignity and reason. You must show respect for the other person's wish not to speak to you, their right to be left-alone, and laws against harassing people.
I still believe you should just move-on. Let's put it this way...if you persist, and she feels harassed, she knows where you work! She can suggest to your employer to ask you to leave her alone! They are still legally liable for the behavior of their employees who are representatives of their institution. Even off premises! I am telling you this for your own good, sir!
If this has reached a level of affecting your mental-health; then perhaps you should see a mental-health professional. Meanwhile, consider her silence an indication she doesn't wish to hear from you anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020): Let me get this straight. She DOESN'T have the right to ignore you, BUT YOU have the right to hound her!!I can really see why she left now. Even if I liked someone, but they constantly crossed work place boundaries (or any boundaries) by talking about my appearance (totally inappropriate, women are at work to work, not a beauty contest where we are judged....and yes, that IS how it feels!) and heard nauseating things like 'How is the light that brightens my day today?' I would seriously feel sick and change my mind about them.It's too strong, it's too much, it's creepy. It is obvious that the feelings you have for this woman are not reciprocated and you have to realise that not one person in this world owes you a reply to anything. I suspect that under different circumstances, maybe she wouldn't cut someone off without an explanation, but the personality that you are revealing with every post, would make me leave my place of work, would cause me not to get in touch at all, just in case you saw it as encouragement and finally, you sound scary. You cant see the other person. You can only see your side. You don't have empathy. I'm not trying to be horrible to you, I'm trying to get you to see, that yes, your behaviour is incredibly wrong and, yes, you ARE actually the villain. Even though I doubt you will ever see it. Leave her alone. I would not be surprised if she is scared of you and dreads her phone beeping, in case it is you. LEAVE her alone. Oh and by the way, the articles you read on line will be contextual. A grown-up, balanced adult, will understand why they are being ignored if they have made romantic overtures that are unwanted. It has happened to each and every one of us. Just about everybody on this planet has liked someone who didn't feel the same way about them. The target of the person's affections, gets the message across by not responding to attempts to get in touch. Grown-up, balanced adult thinks, 'That's a shame, I really liked him/her. Guess they don't feel the same way. Oh well, I have to respect their choice, because otherwise that would be harassment. Also if there was someone that liked me and I didn't like them back, I wouldn't want their constant attempts to get in touch. So I'll BACK OFF'. Get it?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 April 2020):
 I think if you feel emotionally traumatized by being ignored or simply put BUTT HURT, that is on you.
I'm sure when "Psychologists" says ignoring other is damaging they mean WITHIN a relationship, such a giving your PARTNER the "silent treatment" sure that can have emotional ramifications, YOUR situation is NOT an relationship, you were coworkers, YOU liked her and hoped it would go somewhere, SHE didn't reciprocate.
Does it mean you can't feel hurt over being rejected by being ignored? Sure, but where will that get you? NOWHERE.
She does NOT owe you to turn you down OR answer your text.
I can probably guess (judged by your upset updates) that she FELT it was EASIER to ignore you then deal with the potential drama (or more texts). This is also why women give their number to someone even if they really don't want to. Because they don't want to spell out a rejection to someone.
She might have enjoyed the banter with you at work, but that doesn't mean she would have wanted more. Or even more contact.
You might think she OWES you a text back, but how is that attitude working for you in this case?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW! i dont even know how to reply to this as it seems i am now the villain here. First of all, my opinions are not only my opinion, they are the opinions of Psychologists. Every on-line article on this subject will tell you that ignoring someone is wrong.Quoting one clip from an article: "not only is ignoring rude, immature, inconsiderate, cruel, and petty, it’s downright emotionally (and sometimes physically) damaging.Ignoring someone is not an act of love. In fact, it qualifies as abuse:Here are 5 ways the silent treatment is more damaging than you know:1. It causes emotional trauma or stress.Victims may experience depression, anger, and frustration, as well as feelings of restlessness, isolation and rejection, guilt, loneliness, and despair.2. It causes psychological stress.The word for this is ostracism (exclusion, banishment). Along with the emotional roller-coaster, it tears down your sense of self-esteem and sense of self-worth.3. It may have serious physical side-effects.There’s a part of our brains specifically designed to detect different levels of pain. It’s called the anterior cingulate cortex, and it activates when someone receives the silent treatment.You heard that right: When someone is ignored, their brain tells them they are in physical pain.Symptoms could include anything from headaches to diarrhea or constipation to stomach pains, as well as insomnia, anxiety, and fatigue.4. It can cause behavioral changes.What am I doing wrong? Is something wrong with me? Are you there? Was it something I said? Am I too annoying?Being ignored could cause you to behave in ways you might not normally? things like questioning and second-guessing yourself and others, lashing out, or doubting yourself and situations where you normally don’t.5. It can destroy relationships."Now, thank God i am not THAT bad. But i definitely feel #2 and #4.So you really have to forgive me if i don't agree with "She has every right to ignore you!" I doubt any mental-health professional would say this and if you are a professional, shame on you for saying this.Noone has the right to make a person feel worthless. Especially if all that person did was remind you how beautiful you look and treat you like a lady. But i DO agree with the "work-wife" example you mentioned.Because that's pretty much how it was. Whenever i saw her it wasn't just "good morning". It was more like "how's the light that brightens my day doing today"? And she would smile, blush, it really made me feel like it could progress.I never thought she could have just been work-friendly. So yeah, lines got crossed. And i'm the one feeling the worst of it. And i wasn't trying to chastise women. But the post is about how I feel as the result of being ignored by a woman. I'm sure guys do it too and it doesn't make them any better...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020): Excuse me, sir! She has every right to ignore you! She is in no official relationship with you; and apparently she doesn't feel the same-way about you as you feel about her.
You are quite bold, and to put it bluntly...she owes you nothing! Your job is not your personal dating-pool. It's where you work! Women don't have to accept your amorous advances no matter how nice you are about it!!!
In modern-casual or informal-workplaces, people do develop friendly-connections at work; sometimes playfully or humorously referring to each-other as a "work-wife" or "work-husband." It's not really appropriate; because too many lines get crossed, and real wives and husbands are not particularly impressed by such labels or references. It causes more problems than it's worth.
Too much distraction and frivolous interface outside of work-related matters is a liability to the employer; and such irrelevant nonsense is simply a risk to the bottom-line. Thus the federal government requires companies with a certain number of employees to offer sexual-harassment seminars, sensitivity-training, must provide ethics manuals, and establish a written company policy on employee conduct. It's mandatory for both management and staff for a reason! At our company, I see that these rules and mandates are properly enforced! We (upper-management) insist on strict compliance! We assure our employees a safe and comfortable work-environment. We get good productivity, high-morale, happy employees, and minimal employee-turnover.
Your company just lost an employee, and working weekends may not have been her only reason; in spite of what you may think!
It is offensive to be continuously contacted by someone you don't want to hear from! Your argumentative responses to our advice seems to show some indication you can be quite confrontational.
You seem to justify and explain her behavior with your every word!
It's presumptuous, arrogant, and quite egotistical to insist that a woman you've declared affections for must acknowledge and submit to your advances. If she doesn't feel the same as you do, she can and should ignore you! She also has the right to deflect your advances in any way she feels necessary. She does not have to let you down easy, offer you an explanation, or yield to your romantic-pursuits.
Reading your posts and noting your tone; I am inclined to believe the way she is handling this was her only option. Even if she is being as harsh as she is.
Does she have to respond to your calls and messages? Does she have to like you, because you have openly declared your affections for her? Does she want to hear from you?
Apparently her answer is "NO!"
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020): You can’t run it conclusion as per why she ignored you moreso you can’t blame yourself for not being around when she wanted to see you.I think you failed to take the lite relationship further and played it along for too long. Now you sent three text, that is enough already. *Only God knows what you wrote in those text messages*She ignored you and you are thinking about her, leverage on same weapon now too. Man when next time she talks next to you I assumed you should just talk rather than doing apologies.But lesson to learn is “Learn how to communicate better when needed, except you get hurt in with thoughts and assumptions.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 April 2020):
Yep ghosting someone or just ignoring them is a "cop out" to a point. I think some people RATHER do that then lie or be honest. In her case? Who knows?
And yes it can make harder to accept a rejection that isn't really "given" but such is life. Not everything is going to be easy or black and white.
It might even BE that she chose the "ignore" tactic because she KNOWS you like her and thus she didn't want to hurt your feeling by rejecting you upfront.
You are both old enough to know what to do here. She should have told you :" thanks, but not thanks, I'm not interested". And you should just have accepted that when someone ignores you (or your texts) they don't want to talk to you, REGARDLESS of how much YOU like them.
Such is life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo: Wiseowl, Honeypie and Code WarriorI just want to state for the record, i knew she was leaving. She told me about two months ago that she wasnt happy working the weekends and that she didnt have 2 consecutive days off and she wasnt getting much help and was considering quitting soon...So i dont think she wanted to know if i was coming in the next day so she could avoid me. Or she would have never told me in the first place that she was planning on leaving. Bottom line, i doubt she left because of me. But i must let this off my chest...ignoring a guy who likes you, in my opinion, is lame. It is very hurtful and i wish women would read on this subject before doing it. You can easily google the words "being ignored" and you'll get so many articles on how terrible it is to do this. In my opinion the only time you should ignore someone is when they offended you. If he/she cursed you, insulted you, etc..then that person deserves the ignore button.But if his only crime is liking you, he shouldn't have to feel devalued for doing so. If he had the big boy pants to tell her how he feels, she should have the big girl pants to let him off easy. Even a white lie like "thank you but i'm in a serious relationship and we're even discussing marriage" will make the guy feel somewhat respected than just shunning him out. All your replies are appreciated, thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2020): Leave her alone. If she doesn't want to talk to you she doesn't have to. Her actions have spoken loud and clear.
You're in your 40s not your mid teens act like it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2020): I might recommend that you leave her alone. Seems she quit somewhat abruptly. She might have wanted to know if you were working her last day; so she wouldn't have to deal with you on her last and final-day. Expecting you to make a fuss or ask a lot of questions.
You said she accepted your flirtations. Maybe she didn't know how to make you stop!
Seems not responding to you won't do the trick!
You mention nothing about her reciprocating your advances; and that leads me to speculate that she left to getaway from you. Now she is totally ignoring you?
Sir, can you take a hint? She may have wanted to ask you to leave her alone and that she isn't into you. Maybe she wants to move on and never hear from you again.
You came right-out and told her you like her. Then she quits. I don't think it's a good idea that you are continuing to attempt to contact her. She could notify your company and make a harassment complaint. Err on the side of caution.
Back-off! Stop trying to contact her. The feeling IS NOT MUTUAL!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 April 2020):
You are right it SUCKS to be left in limbo, but texting her a 4th or 5th or more times is not going to change the fact that she IGNORED the first 3 texts.
So obviously, SHE doesn't want to talk to you.
And maybe she asked because she didn't want to run into you? That is a possible option too.
IF she was as KEEN on you as you seem to be with her, SHE would have AT THE VERY LEAST, texted you.
So take the no answer as a "I'm just not interested in you" and work on moving on. YOU can't MAKE her want to talk to you or like you. No matter how many texts you send.
And yes if you don't stop texting her/contacting her it can be perceived at stalking or harassing even if those weren't your intentions.
She doesn't want to tell you, buzz off, but she kinda is BY ignoring you.
So take the hint, let it go. Block, delete, move on.
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