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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am having friend problems. My family and I moved away and I’m now 30 minutes away from my friends. My friend “Abby” started hanging out with her co-workers and likes this guy at her work- this guy is a total player (he asked out every girl at the workplace and is known to be a 'lady's man'.) I tried to warn her about him, but she accused me of being "jealous." She is such a kind, generous person, with a good head on her shoulders- but eventually she changed. She has admitted that she cannot act like herself around them. She claims that they don’t understand her when she talks- she’s 24 years old, has her college degree and she is “dumbing” herself down to fit in with her younger co-workers. She lost a lot of weight, wears baggy clothes and moves her food around when she eats. She got mad when I told her I was concerned about her weight. (My other friend “Betty” also noticed her weight loss and also talked to her about it, well “Abby” blew up at her and told her “I’m not anorexic.”) "Abby" also told a mutual friend that she thought I was "mad at her or the world" and that I "blamed her" for "everything."(I voiced my concerns to my friend- isn't that what friends do?) She claims that I am her “best friend” but her actions don’t convey this- she never tells me stuff anymore because she thinks I’m “jealous”. Her co-workers and this guy she likes make fun of her for being “inexperienced”. Why is she changing herself just to fit in with them? I know she likes the guy at her work, but I’m afraid he’ll hurt her and use her because he wants to get with a virgin. I try and am supportive of her, I sent her letters, e-mails, and am there for her, but it doesn’t seem to matter. It seems like she only calls me when she is bored and her other friends are not around. I don’t know what to do anymore.10 years is a long time to know someone, so I can’t just stop talking to her. What I want to know is, what should I do? Talking to her about how I feel doesn’t seem to work. I am also dealing with my brother's death, so I have a lot on my plate too, but I still make time for her. When I have asked help from her in the past, she doesn't give me the time of day. (If I had a bad day, she had a worse day! When I talk about grad school, she doesn't like it because she didn't get accepted so she just tries to out do me by mentioning something else.) I am at wit's end here wondering what to do! Please help!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 I think it's time to recognize that some friendships, like marriages, just reach the point where there's no option but to let it die a natural death.
You've tried to be a good friend to her and she's not interested in your support (I expect she perceives it as criticism), she wants to one-up you all the time. She sounds a bit toxic to me.
You actually sound a bit too clingy and controlling. Let her make her own mistakes, yes, you can be concerned but once you've said something, let it be. She's entitled to be treated as an adult, not a child who needs guidance and advice all the time.
I think it's time you took care of you, let yourself mourn your brother, get yourself together. If she shows up and offers support, great. If she stays away, you'll know what kind of friend you are dealing with here. (Hint: it's the selfish kind)
You have to look after your own mental health, and if she's bringing you down, well, you can let her go. You don't have to be mean or nasty about it, just be calm and gentle if she wants to know what's going on. My guess is that she's so self-centered, she won't realize you have backed off until you actually tell her.
Good luck.
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