A
male
age
36-40,
*ustin587
writes:Issues moving forward with relationships and other things...During the past few years, I have had nostalgic feelings and feelings of regret about my life prior to becoming an adult. At the age of 20, I really want to move forward and start accomplishing things, but something is holding me back.I have been a loner for many years. Of course, I have had friends, but at the same time most of my friends were just people I could talk to at a particular location - not someone I could depend on. I matured *very* early - I went through puberty around 11 and had a full beard and mustache by the time I was 13, so I have always looked at people my age as immature and foolish. Even now, I don't relate to my age group at all. I, however, get along extremely well with people in their 30s. I don't get along with most men for some reason. I guess it's due to all the males my age have always got on my nerves very badly. This is especially true when they find out I am single. Most people just joke around when confronted with jokes about such things, but I get pretty offended and annoyed.Anyways, I am not sure if it's depression holding me back or what, but I have become rather numb emotionally. I can't express my feelings anymore. A few months ago, a female friend and I kissed. It wasn't until that point in my life I realized how difficult it is for me to show any affection. I knew she cared about me, but I just couldn't express my side until she basically forced it out of me. She's quite a bit older than me though and we both agreed we are just friends.I had ample opportunities in high school for relationships, but I never felt like pursuing a relationship because I knew a teenage relationship would end in a painful occurrence. Even at this point, I recognize that a relationship would be just a painful as it is pleasurable.It seems that every female I am interested in has some sort of fatal flaw that I cannot overlook. Two I was *very* fond of where in a super-conservative church and I didn't want to get involved with that. I am a Christian, but I don't expect to live a completely sinless life, which they honestly think can happen. Many have bad habits such as smoking and drugs. I don't mind alcohol so much as long as that person isn't an alcoholic. My friends claim I should just go out and have fun (sex), but I want to actually be with someone I know rather than just find some random person.None of my family or friends seem to notice I have any trouble. I have a 4.0 GPA at my college, am always smiling, etc. I have become confused as to what happiness and sadness is (again, emotional numbness). I simply act in a way that people respect me. I have always associated depression with suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die or anything. I have full confidence that I can gain employment and graduate with a high GPA, but all of this is a logical accomplishment - I have never had an emotional accomplishment. That is, I have never truly cared about anyone outside of my family. Even in my family when people I somewhat know die, I don't feel sad. When people get married and accomplish great things, I don't care. I want to care about these things, but I just don't.Sorry for the long post, so I will get to my point of posting. What can I do to solve these odd issues I have? I don't want to stay like this. My cousin jokingly said I sound like a sociopath, but I don't want to hurt anyone or break any laws. I am kind to everyone and do whatever it is that I am told to do. Many people say I should "Man up, stop being a pushover." I thought about speaking to my school counselor, but he's not helpful in anything I go to him about. Plus, as stated many times before, I can't show my feelings - it's just too weird for me. I don't really know where to go or if this is a merely a natural phase in everyone's life.
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reader, Dustin587 +, writes (3 October 2007):
Dustin587 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the reply :). I suppose I should calm down and look at things differently. I have been in quite a stage of boredom in the past few weeks and have started thinking about things I hadn't until now - love, relationships, friendships, etc. I have always had something to occupy my interests, but again, I haven't had such a busy schedule lately.
I decided to post a topic aiming at a more relationship-related issue than a health issue. I posted a very similar topic when I first came here, but I was very vague and didn't get my point across very well. It really sucks how today's society puts so much pressure on single people - especially males. The general consensus in my are is that if a male isn't with a girl, he's probably with a guy. I hate how people do that.
After settling down for a few weeks and talking to people, I feel a lot better. Kinda funny though, I am going through what most people go through as teenagers and I am almost 21. I guess that's a good thing since I know how to handle problems now. I had always felt weird about relationships. I can't say I was happy at all as a child - I was always alone. People tried to talk to me and everything, but I gently cut the conversation short and eased away. I only had 1 real friend my entire life and we were quite distant as well.
I'll try talking to a few more family members, but they often seem to not take me seriously. I guess once a family decides one of their own doesn't express himself and just stays alone all the time he won't have anything to say. I suppose I caused that problem myself. Oh well, at least I know that I am not crazy :). I have become pretty comfortable talking with people, so I think my severe social introversion will improve. Who knows, maybe I will meet a special someone where I won't have to have all these defense mechanisms in place.
A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 Hi again,
Now I’m even surer you are not a sociopath. You have just been growing up learning how to suppress your feelings. It doesn’t mean they aren’t in there. The suggestion to see a counselor was for you to get help with sorting these things out and to find ways of coping with life situations and feelings. To find out who you are and feel more confident with how you feel and how you react (or don't react) in certain situations. It is nothing wrong with not feeling anything in a certain situation if that is what is you, but obviously you don’t feel comfortable, you feel that something is missing, and it is important to find out what it is. You absolutely don’t need to take any meds for that.
I think you need to learn how to dare to expose yourself to some risks. Too many defense walls are also damaging to your sole and heart, sometimes even more than to be exposed and hurt at times. We all get a little “chipped” at times in life, and it is ok. Maybe your feelings of numbness are both from what you learned as a child from your father and are defense mechanisms against being hurt or laughed at. Other than that I think you are fine. You don’t have to be just like all the others to be ok. You sound like a person who think and reflect over life’s big questions and you are careful with your heart in a way that many people only wish they could be. And you really do express lots of feelings. It is nothing wrong with you.
Do you have any older relative you trust enough to confide to in situations where you need help to sort out your thoughts and feelings? Someone who is different than your parents and who you can discuss these issues with? It could then be a good thing to start showing your family how you feel about things.
My older brother was diagnosed with ADHD just as you, and I can comfort you with telling you that today he is 39 and he never suffered from any depression. He does get insecure in many situations still, but he is basically a happy person. At times when he was younger he didn’t know how to express what he felt, but the feelings were there all the time and now he is not afraid of expressing who he is. So you don’t have to be the average statistic figure, don’t listen to they who says you might end up depressed :). Maybe actually this condition has caused you some confusion about how to feel and act since you have been taught since early age to control yourself in this matter? Ask your father, or even better your paternal grandparents if possible, how your father used to be as a child. Maybe you can find out things about yourself?
I wish you all luck and happiness. Tell me how it goes.
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A
male
reader, Dustin587 +, writes (30 September 2007):
Dustin587 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, that is certainly reassuring. My cousin almost had me convinced at one point.
As for your question about my family, although I do not get along with my mother, she certainly had an impact on my emotional expression. She is the epitome of hypersensitive - she whines over everything, she is never happy, she constantly complains, etc. She often told me I was cold, uncaring, self-centered, heartless, etc. I think I grew up with the mindset that I didn't want to be like her, but it seems her words got to me. My dad, who I act exactly like, is not very emotional, so I wanted to be like my dad in some ways. She also said he was cold, heartless, etc.
As stated before, I grew up as a loner, so I have always tried to not draw much attention to myself. Since becoming an adult, I have found it easier to talk with small groups of people, but it's still hard sometimes. People don't seem to notice, though.
I really don't know how to go about seeing a psychiatrist. I am too ashamed to ask my family for help. I also, since I am just a student, I don't have any insurance, so going would be pretty rough on my wallet. I guess sometimes a person has to leave their comfort zone (which I am rather entrenched in) and take some risks. I plan on getting another job once I get my associates this may. I'll have a few months before starting my 4-year college to find a decent job. I suppose I could maybe get some help after that point. I had a moderate case of ADHD growing up and I have learned to cope with it, but I have often heard hyperactivity is often replaced with depression in adulthood. In the meantime, I guess I should just try to stop worrying about my problems and accept that I have a loving family and try to live life. Maybe that's what I should have done all along. I know if I go to a psychiatrist I will just be taking meds for the rest of my life :(.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (30 September 2007):
Hi,
I think many people can feel like this at times, but if you have felt like this for very long time, then it is a problem. It doesn’t sound to me though that you don’t have any feelings at all. You express several feelings in your post, so I think you can rule out being a sociopath as your cousin suggested.
As to not feeling for the girls, it could be that you just didn’t find the right ones for you yet. With your family though it is different. How do others in your family express their feelings? Maybe they too often hide their feelings and that is how you grew up to do the same?
I understand that the school counselor might not be the best part here since you weren’t helped by him in other issues, but I think you should look around for other places to go. There are private and clinical psychiatrists and doctors that might be a better choice for you, because even though I don’t think you are suffering from any mental diseases, you do have a problem with your situation since you are obviously feeling very depressed, and they can help you find out what it is that is blocking you, and help you learn to trust and understand the feelings you do feel.
Like when kissing that girl. It sounds to me that now you don’t really trust what you feel, not that you don’t feel at all. Maybe you think you should feel for this girl only because she cares for you, but you don’t. Then it is nothing wrong with you, she is just not what you really are looking for.
I wish you all the best!
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