A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a livein relationship for 15mths now.I ham 43 my boyfriend is 28.He now wants a 3sum, him, me and another girl.At first I wanted to please him but have since told him that I was worried about the following1 I couldn't have it happen in my home, I'm a mum.2 I am concerned about STD's3 I'm not into girls - never was, so could only watchHe has joined an online site to find a local girl for the 3 sumWhen he first mentioned a 3sum it was agreed we would do it together, I asked him last night if he would see another girl from the web site without me - he said I might, I said I didn't want him too. but would he tell me before or after he did it he said before.I feel sick my stomach is churning I hate this now.I love him.I said originally that I was worried he would leeave me for the other girl. He said no way.I don't know what to do, I have said yes to viagra and am happier if we could just be us two and vamp things up but he is on the web site evening and 5am this morning looking to meet some one.What do I do help. I'm worried he is just wanting a younger woman and if I go ahead with 3 sum the other younger woman might not want me there oh oh what can I do I don't want to lose him before I meet him I was alone for 6ys and my ex was abusive phsically, emtionally etc for 14yrs to me and the kids. I have trust issues and want to trust my boyfriend but he has lied to me during this relationship already. We live at my home.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cinc71  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 Good! See communication is the key and should follow your gut. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I Had the talk.
I said that I will not do the 3sum and he said OK I said I couldn't handle him being with someone else and it wouldn't end well I couldn't share him & didn't want to.
He said your greedy ha ha
I said I was just trying to please him but just can't do it.
I said are you upset with me he said NO
I said you won't see others behind my back he said NO
He asked me to stop talking about it.
Then 5mins later cuddled me then made love to me.
I will watch to see if there's any signs of cheeting but actually I'm happy this has all stopped I think he knows my way or highway thank god. know the stresslevels have stopped.
I don't want us to be a short term relationship but will see how the next month goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Situations like this one are why I continue to believe that younger-man / older-woman relationships are fine for some short term fun, but rarely work out in the long run. Unfortunately, you value your boyfriend and your relationship much more than he does. You are in love, while it appears he's just having fun. I'm afraid this isn't going to have a happy ending for you...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Don't do it you'll regret it. It does happens that he leaves with the other woman. Hope you had the talk with him good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 November 2011):
 I think he knew you would do this out of fear of losing him.
It's something YOU really don't want to do, so sit him down and tell him. I can't do this. It's not for me. Now if a 3-some is more important to him, then your relationship, what do you really have with him?
Also if you do it, I think you will have major regrest and even more trust issues. Is he really worth that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour so right, i'm in bits over this.
I have to have the talk tonight but i'm in tears now as I think he will be walking out the door.
Why do men make life so hard. I was and want to be happy in life again.
Today I noticed he has now upgraded his membership on the web site and included dating on it.
Thanks for your honesty.
I'm glad you are here to help
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Well, you have to admit, your boyfriend definitely has some guts in bringing this one up. I do not agree that 3-somes belong in any healthy relationship (they seem more for adventurous college-aged people who like to drink too much). I also agree with your reasons for not wanting one and you'd be a fool to allow him to see other people, even if you were just a voyeur to it.
When it comes to sex and relationships, there has to be rules about what each person can tolerate and allow. I think you need to make it clear to him that you are not game and that if he is tiring of your monogamous relationship that you deserve to be forewarned so that you protect yourself emotionally and physically. Something isn't right in the fact that he has jumped whole-heartedly into this idea by signing onto a threesome website when you weren't overjoyed at the thought of it. Personally, it sounds like he wants to have sex with other people with your blessing so that he doesn't have the guilt of cheating.
I think you need to examine what sort of future you have with your young suitor. Are you looking at this relationship with him as long term (marriage potential) or is this just a temporary thing? Will this set a good example to your children and is he a role model for them? Do you think his character is suitable and trustworthy for a long-term relationship? Does he have the maturity to commit to monogamy? Only you can answer these questions but I think you may be seeing some warning signs here that you've been quietly ignoring. I think you are due for some self-reflection and perhaps a chat with your boyfriend.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 You are that desperate for him to stay that you are willing to let him have sex with another woman, it is time to start setting some ground rules. Tell him that you do not want a three some because you are not interested, tell him you don't want to see him with another woman because you love him and want you to be the only one that is intimate with him, don't just agree with him to please him, stand up for yourself and show him that you are not to be walked over. A guy likes it when a woman knows her own mind so it is time you started speaking the truth and stop agreeing with things just to keep him happy, if you allow him to meet other woman well then he ain't going to respect you and yes you may catch an STI. You have children to think about, so put them first in all this madness and tell him truthfully how you feel. If he is not willing to commit to just you, well then obviously he does not love you and you are better off without him.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Sorry, but from all you've said, this should be the end of this relationship. I've had this discussion w/my BF. He's 13 years younger. If these young guys really want this kind of behaviour, then they aren't serious about the relationship. Go with your gut on this one. There's a REASON you're feeling sick about it. Because it's a cop-out way for guys to "get what they want". And especially given the history of lying--he's not worth any more of your time or emotional well-being. I know it's hard to be alone--I'm in my 1st relationship ever & I'd be crushed to death if it ended. But if it was over something like this, I'd keep in mind that there really are guys out there who will respect you and treat you well. Hold our for them.
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