A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm 27 and have a 20 year old gal who it appears that only I refer to 'girlfriend', I never actually heard her saying in front of other people that I'm her boyfriend and we've been dating for like 5 months, and she's Danish. We really clicked, I think. So I had really disappointing past experiences with women and I'm afraid this will be the same. So yeah, I'm always like trying to be the best for her, always getting her relaxed and pampering her but I keep it fair. So she tells me after I got back from Afghanistan on military duty, one night that she was crying, I was discussing it with her. And she says that her friend was cold to her. I was staying fair asking about what happened and all. She said that she has feelings for him and he got pissed of that (he doesn't know she's with me though).I got all pissed on what the heck do you mean feelings for him? Aren't you mine? She replied that she ain't mine. I said very coldly "THEN WHAT THE HECK WERE WE DOING THE PAST MONTHS GETTING INTIMATE AND ALL?! AM I A PLACEHOLDER TO YOU??" She said no, and that I was important, I said I doubt it, and asked how long this been going? And if it was before I was on duty, she said no. Then after I got pissed and all. Her mother came in, her mom really likes me and I think she's awesome too and have deep respect for her. I calmed down in respect to her mom not her. I said coldly, "see you tomorrow, We will discuss it tomorrow and don't you dare say nevermind, I WANT ANSWERS" and left slamming the door.I don't think my reaction was unjust, while I was in war thinking of her every night and writing her letters, she tells me she's seeing another guy and that she's 'not mine' as in we're not together??I feel like a total idiot, this all happened like a day ago, and I'm feeling this is ending up like other relationship failures I had. I still didn't end it. Yet I feel as my heart completely dried.. Appreciated.
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female
reader, 21w +, writes (30 August 2010):
 I am so sorry it is happening to you.
But it sounds like it wasn't THE relationship for her. I am sure you could be friends and she felt good with you...but sounds like she is in love with someone else. I don't think you can call it cheating though. Since she never actually called you a boyfriend or promised you anything.
Just leave her. Move on. But I won't be surprised if she shows up at your door when another one will leave her. Then it is up to you...leave her or love her.
GOOD LUCK!
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 I don't think anyone here did anything wrong. You both reacted naturally, you were both (in a way) being honest with each other. Would you rather have had her keep this from you? Accept that she can't help how she feels. She didn't CHOOSE to feel that way towards her friend and you couldn't help feeling angry.
What you two need is to discuss this like you suggested to her. Don't be angry, anger clouds your judgement and forces your hand even if you don't want it to. Act peacefully and try to be understanding.
I know how difficult it can be to do this, especially since you just found out about this so soon after you came back from deployment. You heart has to be strong if you want to work this out. She has to know what she wants but she's miserable right now, the last thing she wants is for everyone around her to start acting negatively. Be peaceful.
I hope that helps
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (30 August 2010):
 I don't think you should stay with her just because you don't want it to fail, sometimes its out of your control. Remember, it takes two people to be in a happy relationship. If she isn't going to be a good girlfriend, wouldn't you rather be single and happy than taken and miserable?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 August 2010):
 It always happens when you're on deployment doesn't it? Now, I've met some foreign Army wives then I see their husbands and realize why they're here. Not all are like that, I know. A common thing happened to you that happens to a lot of guys on deployment..someone cheats or starts developing feelings for another. I look at is they need to occupy their time better. Look, all women aren't the same. There are good women out there, we're just a little hard to find or taken. Anyways, I'm confused at why she's claiming you guys aren't together, you did establish you were in a relationship with her or exclusively dating? Maybe dating rules are different in her country. If that's how she feels and she has been seeing another guy then so be it. Meanwhile, cut your loss and move on you're a man in a uniform I'm sure you won't have trouble finding another woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): I think you should have spotted early on that you were more keen by introducing her as girlfriend and her not doing akin. You probably didn't have the exclusive talk so you can't blame her too much.
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