A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:please helpMy husband of 5 years keeps playing head games with me, when he Is not feeling happy for various reasons he starts being weird with me.. He will act like he is having an affair, he has told me he was going out one night and I got a friend to follow him and he sat in his car and listen to music but told me he was out with friends, he is always threatning to leave me and our daughter and I often find myself begging him not too and he almost gets off on it...he also with holds affection and sex when I have said or done the wrong thing, which kills me, When I do get strong and tell him to get losted he goes the other way and is extra nice to me.. He's admitted he adores me and our girl but he feels the need to constantly test me? He tells me it feels good to have power over someone like me (aprentley way out if his league?? He says I am very attractive and most people think he is ugly, which they do but I think he is sexy and gorgeous) I am getting to the point I feel sick constantly with his head games, I had a bad childhood and want some "normal" for me and my girl.. Why is he like this and what can I do to change things? I dont want to leave him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust wanted to say thanks for the advice, I think therapy & me getting stronger & take the welcome doormat off my head is needed, I owe it to my daughter!!
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (27 September 2009):
 Frankly this sounds like emotional abuse. He's got you walking on eggshells trying to please him and he gets off on having power.
I think it would be good for you to see a therapist and work on regaining the strength he has taken from you. This does not sound like a healthy environment at all. A few sessions of counseling may help you decide what your next step is.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (27 September 2009):
 I can understand the disappearing act. I've heard of some guys that rent studio apartments and just disappear to them to watch TV and chill away from the family one day a week (call it the equivalent of poker night). Some others that hang out in bars, or just sit in their car listening to music alone.
That I can get. Its the "man cave" thing.
The head games are symptoms of another problem. You're husband is suffering from some kind of megalomania. Basically he's not happy unless he's asserting power over you and that makes him feel good about himself. Unfortunately that also means that he' personally insecure about himself, and because of that he's punishing you for his own problems.
He needs to start thinking about how its affecting you and your child. You don't want your child to grow up to be a manipulator, which will only make things worse in the future for her. And you don't need what amounts to a "drama king" playing with you and making you feel bad about yourself, then punishing you for what are otherwise forgivable mistakes.
This is the sort of thing where, if you use some reverse psychology, you can snap him out of it. Its a behavioral issue.
If he plays the head game again, seriously change the locks to the house or wait till he comes home and have a suitcase packed and ready for him at the front door.
It seems when you assert yourself to him, he backs down. So maybe he's "asking" you to be more aggressive in dealing with his issues and hopefully by then, he'll open up and try and change his behavior from now on.
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A
male
reader, cocteauboy  +, writes (27 September 2009):
hi hun,Can i be totally honest and say he sounds like he needs some serious counseling regarding how to treat a woman/women? Think carefully about how is is treating you: it's all about his power over you. Men like this often have low self esteem, fail at work or in other spheres. You are the one thing he can control.I'd be really concerned that his behavior deteriorates in the future.Take carecocteau
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