A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Found out my other half took out loans behind my back last year without telling me. Said we needed the money but he never told me. Thinks its ok that he kept it from me and wonders why i'm shocked at what he done. He talks about trust but how can i when he done this? He must not respect me to have done it behind my back and how do I know it hasn't gone on someone else. How can I ever trust him again because I know I can't trust him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): Said he buried his head in the sand and yes they are pay day loans. Said taken put 3 to 4 years ago but I think they were sooner because thats a long time to get in touch about them I can't believe he took out 3 not just 1. I really feel hurt and saying that he cant tell me because of me being unrealistic really got me down as I know about money and what needs to be paid. Just feel that I dont matter and why tell me things even thou im his wife
A
female
reader, jlheinemann  +, writes (5 December 2015):
This is considered financial infidelity. It means your husband does not care how his decisions impact you. Creditors look at married couples as earning good or bad credit together, so the problem here is his debt is yours even if you divorce him. Because the debt is incurred while married that debt is still yours after a divorce. You have a right to be upset and suspicious about what else he does without asking you. Healthy marriages usually have agreements around how much one of them can spend without consulting their spouse. Do you?
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 December 2015):
Was it a payday loan he took out? Because those can easily spiral out of control like that. I used to work for one of those companies and they let people borrow £100 on the promise they'll pay it back the next month, yet they keep giving them the option to 'roll it over' to the next month for an extortionate fee. So it could be right that he borrowed £100 and it's escalated to £1000 very quickly.
Not that it excuses him not telling you of course, but it may not actually be that he's spent the full thousand on things you don't know about. Those type of loans can have a terrible effect on your credit rating though (I recently got a mortgage and was told that many lenders will automatically reject your application if they see any on your bank statements), so I agree you need to sit down together and work out a plan of action. Tell him there can no more secrets or burying his head in the sand - he needs to own what he's done and work with you to fix it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 December 2015):
 OK so they are not being paid off. Which means if he continue YOUR credit rating can go down the toilet too.
Do yo know where the cards are from? Are they credit card loans? If so, CALL the companies and have the cards cancelled.
I would also ASK them to send an itemized statement. THAT way you can SEE where the money went.
And maybe consider getting a part time job? It seems like your husband took out a loan because he feels like he can't make enough to take care of the family alone?
It is not HIS money (only), so that excuse is redundant. The fact that he can't seem to actually control the money should be an indication that he should NOT be in control. Maybe a "shared venture" - the budget should be made BY the both of you and stuck to by the both of you.
Something is bogus is going on.
Is he gambling? Drinking more than usual?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2015): He took them out in his name said it was for food and can't tell me because I don't understand. Said the loan was for £100 but it got out of control. Said he didn't see the other two loans on the letter and they are from 3 to 4 years ago.
I asked to keep hold of his cards and I will be in control he said, so I will have to come asking you for pocket money. He earns the money so he obviously wants to be in control even thou he as made matters worst with more loans and not paying them back.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 December 2015):
He took out loans in BOTH your names or just his? And what was the money spend on? Is he actively paying them back?
And if nothing else this is a PRIME opportunity to have a chat about finances. Maybe redo the budget and make sure he understands that financial decisions are to be made JOINTLY in the future.
It might not be about respect for you, maybe he thought he didn't want to upset or worry you - but not thinking it through as knowing AFTER the fact can be far more worrisome.
So sit him down and go over it again. Be proactive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2015): He said he borrowed £100 but it was £1000 and didn't say why he didn't tell me he took it out he chose to keep it from me.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 December 2015):
 Before you draw any conclusions about what he did... .and why.... it might be a good idea to suggest a sit-down discussion.... without any pre-conceptions.... and hear what he has to say.
Perhaps he'll surprise you with some sort of reasonable explanation.... And, if he doesn't, then you're already primed to unload on him.....
Good luck...
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