A
female
age
26-29,
*uliaS
writes:I grew up in a very close family, I have a huge extended family and we are all very close. They are nice and loving but at the same time close minded and now I found out even racist.I have been in a relationship for 6 months , my parents have met him and they like him . He is Persian. He was born in raised in Canada. Two weeks ago we came to a gathering and met several of my cousins , aunts and uncles. Then the first met him you could tell that weren't being overly nice but once the conversations started about the Paris attacks A few of them made some extremely rude and uncalled and racist comments directed towards him. He didn't say anything. Later that night a few of them started drinking and they got very out of hand. We ended up leaving and staying at a hotel because I felt so horrible for him. We are suppose to spend Christmas together with my family which means that the same people would be there. It's not fair to him to have to be treated like that but I can't just not attend family gathering since they happen a lot with my family.How do I make this work ?
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female
reader, JuliaS +, writes (4 December 2015):
JuliaS is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I did talk to my parentes. My mom didn't knew about anything until we left . She was in a different room and didn't hear anything and when we left we kinda just snuck out and didn't make scene. Both my father and grandfather stuck up for him and asked my uncle and cousin to stop with the comments. My grandfather actually called him and apologies to him on behave of the family.
My parents love him and so do I . I talked to him and he said he is fine. He said as long as I'm happy and he knows my parents like him then he didn't care what other people said because he knew who he was and he was happy.
Hopefully Christmas goes smoothly. I don't want him to be uncomfortable
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (3 December 2015):
 Oh, you poor thing. Your poor boyfriend.
What is important that you stand up for him, and like Denizen said - for what you think is right. Your poor boyfriend has been forced into the position of being the spokesperson for his people to your close-minded family. It seems that they have never before seen a Persian-Canadian before?
As another POC, I can understand this struggle. Being the "token" in a room full of people who have questionable/racist views about people who look like you, is perfectly miserable.
But, they are family. And this puts you in a very delicate situation.
I would probably suggest that you talk to your immediate family first about what happened (since they seem to like him, I would hope they would also act as defense towards remarks at Chrismastime), and then possibly your extended family about their lack of sensitivity or decorum. And I would encourage your boyfriend to try again at Christmas. He must be the bigger person and show bravery in the face of adversity. If somebody is rude, or makes a sweeping generalization or racist remark, I would encourage him to firmly, kindly say, "that remark doesn't represent me, or anybody who I know. That talk is hurtful and offensive, so I would suggest that we focus on the meaning of the holiday, bringing people together as fellow men".
Both fortunately, and unfortunately, your boyfriend has an opportunity to educate people. Even if just by being his wonderful self, perhaps he can break some stereotypes. People are so often afraid of the unknown. Maybe through knowing your boyfriend, it will change their views.
Even if they do not change their minds regarding race, they at least should learn how to show grace and tact in front of a guest. Being polite and cordial has nothing to do with politics, but with etiquette.
I want to hug both you and your boyfriend. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Best of luck, and have a happy holiday season.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 December 2015):
 You are at your Rubicon. Julius Caesar had to make a decision and so must you. Things may change in the future. When your family see the virtues in your partner they may come around and accept him. In the meantime make your stand for what you believe is right.
Your family may hold valid beliefs but they should not embarrass you or your guest. Go your own way.
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