A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:About 6 months ago me and my husband were having problems with money and we have a daughter 9 months old. He works long hours working, I was feeling lonley one night as my daughter woulnd't stop crying so I contacted my ex just for company he made me an ofer if i slept with him he would pay me $300 so stupid me I slept with him i have felt guilty since.So my question is how do I tell my husband i cheated on him? we have only been married not quite a year please help.22confused
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): YOU SHOULD NOT TELL HIM....EVER. that is something you are going to have to live with. trying to clear your mind will only make things worse and will not help your marriage in any form or fashion. There will be serious trust issues from here on out, if you tell, not to mention they fact he may not forgive you and you will have broken your family. cease all communications with the ex. immediately. The only thing you need to be honest about is your lonely feelings with your husband.
It would be really cruel to tell him just to ease your mind, because you are not solving anything by telling. Somethings are better off not knowing.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): I don't think you've got much choice but to tell your husband, unless you want to keep having to service your ex; sooner or later, he's going to tumble to the "Yes, we're doing this whenever I want - or I'll be having a very frank and revealing conversation with your husband...." idea, and then your really sunk.
YES, telling him now risks your marriage - but telling him later, after several more episodes with your ex, and the marriage is FINISHED, no question. At least by confessing now, SOON, you've got a better chance than nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): I think he has a right to know what you've done at the right time. If this were someone you wanted to be involved with for the rest of your life then that would be one thing but this is an ex who paid you for something that's priceless. There's a reason why he's an ex!!
You need to focus on you and what you need to do to make your situation bearable. I would NEVER tell him you got paid for sex. If anything make them two separate facts. The "smaller" being that he gave you money. Then later (years?) that you had a one night stand. Things need to be taken one step at a time.
Let your husband know everyday that you appreciate him. Turn over a new leaf and prove to yourself and him that you care. Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, JockoJ  +, writes (10 April 2009):
Woah, DO NOT TELL HIM.
Two things are going to happen if you do.
1. You'll both be miserable, lots of agony, fighting hurt feelings etc. and you'll get divorced.
2. You'll both be miserable, lots of agony, fighting hurt feelings etc. and you'll stay together.
Either way, it's not good for your relationship or your daughter. Please just be extra good to him. Buy him $300 worth of beer or something.
BTW, $300 for one time? You must be amazing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): OP, was your decision to have sex pre meditated. Was the finances so bad, even though your hubby was working, that you decided that it was a quick gain to be paid for sex.i am trying to understand what you did and the situation, but the last poster has made me relook at the "facts". did you see the money as a temporary financial relief?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): hi
On this one i think you should tell your husband the TRUTH...your CHOICE to pick the phone up...your CHOICE to take money...you can not even say it JUST HAPPENED it was PRE MEDITATED. Tell us did your baby stop crying while you were with this other guy for company? I know i sound hard but your making excuses and blaming your husband...baby...and money....maybe you do have post natal depression, but if so i would think SEX is off the agenda then????????so that does not do it for me either....sorry.
If you do not tell your man...i would think that the slightest pressure would make you repeat the same deceit...what if he is working his butt off to take care of his family and you are a little lonely? what if baby has more crying? and money is tight?
If you have to work at your marriage then so be it...you chose to make it unstable....if it fails then thats the cost of deceit.....hardly matches £300.
Normally i would not be so cut and dry on this subject...but i think you would do it again ...so if you love him tell the truth and learn from this mistake, and try and work it out.
I actually hope you both survive this...love can overcome things....but love is TRUTH your CHOICE AGAIN.
via con dios.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (8 April 2009):
 i know i will get a lot of slack for this but :
Don't tell your husband.
He does not need to know. I am not justifying your actions.
What you did was horrible and wrong.
But If you can promise not yourself never to sink to that level and learn from your mistakes, I say go pray about it and ask for forgiveness with God.
You should also ask yourself why you did this.
Get to the bottom of your actions. Were you not getting attention from your husband? or SEx? Do you not love him anymore?
ONe time, I got drunk in a club and kiss..ONLY KISSED a boy
and I told my boyfriend the minute I walked through the door. I wanted him to know that I was honest and I was ready to deal with the consequense. even if it meant breaking up. Well, I might of clear my conscious but i regret ever telling him because he hold that over my head every time he's mad. In hindsight, I wish I never said nothing. I know my morals, and values, and we all make mistakes. I learned from it and never did it again.
Telling your spouse that you were a "prostitute" for a night with your ex will get nothing solve.
There is nothing that he can do about it nor fix. The only thing that can come out of it is your child has no father,
and he looks at you with digust and disrespect.
Forgive yourself, seek guidance and vow never to do it again. Now if you do it the 2nd time,
Then I say Go tell him, because you don't deserve him.
then there is something wrong with your relationship if you need to seek other men for love and validation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): nah nah nah...u gotta keep that close. Trust me boo. If you tell hubby that he will never forgive you.. Especially the getting paid part.
You might feel guilty sometimes, but you'll just... have to live with it. Remember, the truth can sometimes cut like a knife. Do you want to hurt him that way?
Bless
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Recommending you confess will be great. But are you prepared for the consequences: Possible divorce; Your child loses the dad (broken marriage); he thinks you are a prostitute; never trusts you and might decide to go exploring as an excuse of you also are unfaithful. You regret it and want the marriage. I would ask the question: That all the males that responded you should be honest who would actually understand, forgive and forget? Would they trust you and love you the same? What if he leaves you and the baby? We are humans and she a made a mistake "big mistake" but who are we to be critical God forgives so lets just let her make her life and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): A friend of mine went through a very similar situation. She told her husband and they are working through it. It can be done.
It's easier not to tell him and deal with the consequences, but it's wrong.
I had an incident once and didn't tell my boyfriend about it for a year. I waited until after he proposed. The thought of being with him for the rest of my life and lying by omission ate at me and I told him. Our relationship ended after several years of trying to work through it.
There is no happy, easy answer here. However, being honest with your husband is the right thing to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank you all for your help all the answers have helped me alot and more to think about you all gave me good ideas ressons to tell him and ressons not to tell him.
He is a good man more ways than one i couldn't ask for better in my life he is a great father and a good husband.
I know what I did was wrong and i will regret it my whole life if i tell him or not but i will let you alll know what I decide.
I couln't of done it without all your help i think if i tell him he won't leave me but it will take alot to sort our marrige out to hang on to what we have so thank you for your help.
THANKYOU
FROM 22CONFUSED
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A
female
reader, Harmony1st  +, writes (7 April 2009):
If you truly love your husband and want your family to work then you need to be honest with him. Your guilt will consume you and lead you to make further poor choices.
You cannot change your choice, you can only change your behaviours and improve.
Have you visited your family doctor? with all the stress with money and your daughter you may have been suffering with Post Natal depression. Perhaps your family doctor could refer you to a therepist or counsellor who can offer you professional advice on how to deliver this to your husband.
Another thing you need to be aware of is that many marriages survive affairs, it is alot of hard work and effort but if you are truly remorseful and want to work on making your marriage better than there is hope.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): your ex paid you for sex...he made you out to be a prostitute.we can tell you not to tell your husband, but it will eat at you, and consume you if you do not tell the truth. In the end everyone will suffer and that inculdes your baby because you will not be emotionally well to take care of it. Honesty is the best policy, imagine when your ex feels like it again, he will actually ring you up and offer you money for sex again. I am hoping you make the right choice here because if you don't the truth will definitely come out and then it will be a hundred times worse. Tell your husband yourself instead of the ex or someone that knew what transpired will do. Do not make your husband a fool any longer, he is a good man and he is trying his best for you and the baby. Having an indiscretion is bad, lying about it is so much worst. Do not let the ex or anyone else mock him, he deserves better, and who better to tell him than his wife.
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (6 April 2009):
 I trully can't beleive how many people on this site think its perfectly acceptable to cheat on a spouse and then hide it from them! How can people say as long as you feel "bad" about its fine!I guess that means you can commit whatever crime you'd like and get away with it as long as "your sure you feel really bad about it".That's ridiculous!You broke your vows. What's the point of marriage if you can cheat on the person you pledged you life to whenever you are feeling bad. I'm sorry but if you ever plan to have clear conscience again, you are going to have to tell your husband and let the chips fall where they may.Do you really want to carry this inside of you for the rest of your life. You may be able to hide it for a while, but it will always be there tearing away at your insides. You can live in a marriage that's now a lie or tell your husband and start repairing the damage to make your marriage whole again. Maybe it will wake him up and he'll start paying more attention to the relationship.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (6 April 2009):
 Do you have a place where you put your personal memorabilia that your husband may not be interested in looking/ You know, girly stuff like trinkets from your childhood years (that he'd just think they are so silly that he would not even go near them lol). If you do, put your thoughts on how sorry you are, and how you feelremorse and guilty (do NOT mention the money involved) because of what you did. You might actually be feeling the baby blues (post natal depression), which may have impaired your judgment at the time. Seal the letter (put multiple envelopes so you know when someone deliberately opened it) and put it with your girly trinket box. This will help you ease your "pain" of guilt. Later on, which could be years from now, you could show it if it is still relevant. But lying in a relationship is always not good.Just a friendly reminder, that (a) your marriage problems need to be discussed internally always first. And (b) that seeking an outside help such as this in the long run is not worth the pain. And (c) that your ex was not a nice person actually. If he had wanted to help, he could do so sincerely [e.g. a loan with no schedule on when to return it) and without making you "work" for it. Hope you are feeling a bit better now.Cat
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A
female
reader, Graci +, writes (6 April 2009):
 You're already feeling the guilt of the mistake you have made. Im sure you have learned your lesson and won't do it again. I don't think you should tell him. Just try accept that you made a big mistake and be grateful for how it has made you realise how valuable your marrige is. Try to stop beating yourself up about it because everybody makes mistakes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): People say "don't tell him." And with that logic we all might as well just cheat secretly whenever we want. Who needs fidelity when we can all just lie?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): Confessions are good for the soul but are bad for the relationship. If you love your husband and want this marriage dont say anything and if the ex rats you out just deny it.
Would you gain anything from breaking your family and hurting your husband - I guess not. So let sleeping dogs lie!
Goodluck
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A
male
reader, Benjy  +, writes (6 April 2009):
How could you have done what you did,it is very terrible indeed.i suggest you tell him the whole truth,the earlier the better because nothing is hidden under the sun and that your ex may come back for more and if you refuse he may threaten to tell your husband.so you see,the damage has already been done and this may lead to a divorce.you did the greatest mistake of your life.what you have to do is sit him down and tell him the whole truth.i wish you the best of luck. Human
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): I would not tell him. You did a terrible thing which you regret deeply - its not like you are secretly wanting to get back with your ex. You are paying in guilt. Are you worried the ex will tell your husband? If you think it could come out then you need to tell him - best from you and not lies. If there is no chance of that then I would recommend you concentrate on why you stooped that low - your own esteem, desperation, loneliness. Tackle them and make your life great again and put your energy into the relationship. Put this down to a life lesson you will not be repeating. I think you would crush your husband - both in terms of your cheating but also due to the money. You sold yourself and he will feel like he is useless at providing for you in every sense. If you simply cannot live with it then you have to say - we are all different.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): I don't know how to tell him, other than sit him down & tell him the truth.
But the sooner you tell him, the better. Waiting WILL NOT help him take it any easier, it will probably make it worse. Regardless of whether you tell him this week or next decade, it will hurt him immediately like it happened the day you tell him. All that will happen by putting it off is that he'll trust you less for keeping such a huge secret for any length of time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): oh boy sticky but the best way is to tell the naked truth pun not intended maybe consoling
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): I don't think you can without losing him. Either tell him and clear your conscience and possibly lose him or keep it to yourself forever. Those are the options.
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