| A
male
,
greenman
writes: Hello, can anyone help?I am in a long distance relationship with a girl in New Zealand. I live in the UK. We are both 37We have been together for one year and have met up 4 times. We text and phone all the time and the relationship is good despite the distance.However, I have just returned from a 3 week holiday in NZ and we didn't get on at all. I am being treated for depression and she saw a different side to me as I was irritable\argumentative 3 or 4 times. I am not like this normally. She too was very bossy, almost obsessive about domestic chores and found my habits irritating. There was a lot of tension and bad body language. I am supposed to be emigrating to be with her but this holiday has changed everything. Now she is pulling away. She hasn't officially asked for space but I guess this is what she's wants as she's backed off. The loving texts\emails have stopped although we have spoken with calls initiated by me.What shall I do? Do I back off too? Do I ask how she feels and risk pressurising her. I can't plan to emigrate if I am not sure what she wants so I do need to know. If I back off then I'm in limboAny advice appeciated on how to handle this as I want things to work.many thx
View related questions:
long distance, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  +, writes (24 February 2008):
 I was in a relationship like this once and it was great over the phone, sometimes we would talk all night. I still have a special connection to him and we still talk frequently. I had the same problem you did where he flew down to see me one time and everything was "off". Not the depression thing, but the body language, etc..
It was very defeating for me because I realized that a phone relationship is very different than an "in person" relationship. I couldn't understand how this incredible connection couldn't bridge this gap. Then I read something about how 90% of how we communicate is through non-verbal cues like body language, facial expression, etc... This changed my whole view on long distance relationships and online dating. It was so frustrating that all the hours I invested into that relationship wasn't going to go anywhere. It was a real relationship and that is why we still talk but it wasn't exactly what I thought it was. Our personal habits were similar but I kept getting thrown off by the whole body language gap.
I hear that people actually make this work but it's usually because in the first few months they have already decided to commit to spending a lot of "in person" time together or the long distance situation happened after they had already known each other in person. Once you get so used to a phone relationship, it gets harder and harder to transition. It's also very difficult to not take personally when things don't go right. I would take a step back and give her some space.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 February 2008):
 Keep sending those e-mails even if she did not reply you . She would want to read them and know what is in your mind.
By sending those e-mails, you are telling her that you are still thinking of her and she is very much in your thoughts.
It maybe winter now in your relationship . Just hunker down and wait for summer. Her spirits maybe up and warmth towards you by then.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve  + ♥, writes (20 February 2008):
 How does she sound on the phone when you speak with her? Does she sound distant? It would be madness to take such a big step without being 100% sure that there was no animosity between you. You have to ask her! Be straight with her and tell her you feel the tension. Ask her how she's feeling too. She probably wants to broach the subject with you too but just doesn't know how to so YOU take the initiative here.
It might be a good idea to put off emigrating for a while (say 6 months) to see if things get back to normal again.
~Eve~
...............................
|
