A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My mom will be 78 this year. She is in decent physical condition, but dealing with the beginning of dementia. Despite what the doctors say, she still thinks there is a physical problem with her and that there will be some surgery, some drug, or some supplement that will cure her. She is able to live on her own as long as I visit her every day or every other day at most. She has had paid caregivers, but she usually fires them. She has fired three in a year now.Despite being very busy, I try to make the time to visit often because there is basic stuff she just can't handle. She bought a lamp online and she can't assemble it. She changed the inputs on the TV and can't figure out how to change them back. She can't find batteries or trash bags or toilet paper or whatever. Maybe she needs something heavy moved.I don't mind showing up to help her for an hour or two a day, usually bringing her lunch or dinner, too. I do get irritated when she starts to whine at me about how she wishes I'd stay longer or when she starts to badmouth other people including my sister.However, about 2 weeks ago she texted me and asked me what I spent $271 on. Her cable bill and Internet bill is about $220 so I told her it is probably that. I figured she really meant $217, which is turns out is the actual amount in question. She was satisfied with that.The next day she called me ranting and raving how I stole money from her. I had no idea what she is talking about. She said I bought all these things online and that I need to come get them from her. First of all, if I used her account to buy something I wouldn't have it sent to her. Second, I didn't do it. I have access to the account of the retailer in question and I see she placed an order for a bunch of stuff for herself I would have no use for (toiletries) but there was a $150 item in the order as well. This is not too unusual for her. She orders the wrong quantities of things. She orders the wrong thing. She gets confused about what she is ordering. Once she ordered a fountain she thought would be fairly large for the garden and it was a tabletop fountain. I told her that I didn't order anything and that it was her order as evidenced by the fact it came to her house and was mixed with other things she knows she ordered. I was greeted with a barrage of insulting e-mails, texts, and phone calls. My sister went over to smooth things over and she said mom spent the entire time berating me and calling me a thief. My sister felt so bad for me that she brought a gift over after she left mom.It has been two weeks now and I have not spoken to her. I am not sure I want to. I have given so much time and energy and money to her and she wants to throw that all away over a $150 item she thinks I ordered on her account. It makes me very very angry and also sad for her because how pathetic is that?Her e-mail call me a liar and a thief and go on about how she's not crazy and she knows what she ordered. I can't handle this. I am ready to cut her out of my life, quite frankly, because it was already a lot of work without this. My sister has been seeing a therapist who pretty much gave her that advice, too, which is to just see her in small doses. The problem is she needs more supervision and attention than that. We've talked about sending her to assisted living, but she insists she's not ready for that yet and that with the paid caregivers (which she fires) and our help (which we want to scale back on) she is fine.What would you do in my situation? My sister and I are both very upset with her and want nothing to do with her at the moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2021): Thanks for the responses.I am the original poster.I did contact a lawyer to draw up a POA, but mom needs to sign it and she doesn't want to at the moment. Even if she does sign it she can revoke it whenever she wishes.Same story with assisted living. I can't MAKE her go. She has to want to go.I am already to the point where she has stopped driving and we've turned the gas off to the stove. She microwaves everything with a special microwave that has a dial instead of buttons.I can't let things "roll off my back." She is abusive and has always been abusive. She has never been kind and loving. She has always been critical and manipulating. I let it all go because of her illness, but when she starts in with these accusations I feel like I never want to see her again. Would that be okay? I don't think I'd feel guilty about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2021): This is very common with people with dementia. They start to blame people around them for all sorts of things that they have forgotten and can no longer understand. They will often call people liars and they can turn physically aggressive too.
If you want to turn your back on your Mum as she is now, I think you should try to understand first that she is not doing this on purpose. It is the disease. Her present reality is always shifting and she is not understanding what is happening anymore.
It's not personal however much it might feel that way. It is the disease.
A friend of mine's husband had to go into a home because he attacked her one day with a knife. He was becoming dangerous. She did not blame her husband, she realised that it can be how the dementia shows itself.
Don't take what your Mum says to heart. She is literally not in her right mind. My Dad had dementia and my two sisters and I had to put it with the same kind of behaviour as you are doing right now. We didn't turn our backs on him or cut him out of our lives. He wasn't well. That's all it is.
Take what she says with a pinch of salt and try to distract her. Read 'Contented Dementia', a brilliant book written to help the people looking after their loved ones through this very trying time. It helps them to understand what the person with dementia is going through. Pray that you don't get it and your loved ones decide to cut you out of their lives.
It's not going to be easy, you will have to be very patient. And look into places for her to move into where the burden of her being looked after doesn't all fall on yours and your sister's shoulders, when she gets worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2021): I am so sorry you are in this situation.It is time to start looking at places for her to live in.Do not feel bad as it is for her safety and any caregivers safety.She will start calling the police and pressing charges and they will be false then the police will start charging for all the fake calls.My grandpa also had that and he started our house on fire twice.Time for a home.This will get much worse.She needs care and watching twenty four hours a day.Time to get a eldercare attorney take over her money and place her somewhere safe with people who are trained in this.To make her live alone when you know she is not capable of that is abuse.Keep her safe. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (6 March 2021):
 I think Code Warrior has nailed it in his reply to you. This is not the mother you have known all your life; this is the mother whose brain is slowly starting to malfunction. It is pointless trying to reason with her because she is no longer capable of grasping reason. To anyone else it would be obvious that they must have ordered the rogue item as it arrived with the rest of their purchase but, to your poor mum, this is far from obvious. She does not know her brain is starting to fail. She does not understand how this happened. Was it not possible to return the item, given the cost, explaining it was ordered in error?
You will already realize that there is only one way this can progress, and that is downhill. You need to dig into any reserves of patience and empathy you possess and show your mum compassion. She is not being evil. She is not being difficult. She is not deliberately trying to hurt you. Her brain is slowly but surely failing. She believes all she says is true. That is HER reality. She does not realize what is happening to her.
I was lucky enough not to lose either of my parents to dementia. However, I have a number of friends who were not so lucky and also helped an ex look after his mum whose dementia got so bad we were eventually left with no alternative but to put her in a home, as she needed to have someone with her 24/7 to keep her safe. It is a horrible cruel illness. I have heard people say, time and again, that is causes you to lose your loved ones twice over: once to the dementia and then eventually a second time when they die.
You can't change how your mother acts. What you CAN change is how you respond to it and, most importantly, how you perceive her actions. Please remember she is not in control of what she does or says. She is not trying to hurt you. She is not being difficult. She is an old lady who is not in control of her thoughts.
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