A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years. We’re both over 30, at a good place in our jobs/ finances, and happy together; so marriage seems like the next step to both of us.I am not a traditional girl, and although I’m fairly outgoing, I hate having a bunch of attention on me. For as long as I can remember, long before I even met my boyfriend, I’ve assumed I would elope because a wedding just isn’t my thing. My boyfriend doesn’t feel particularly strongly either way; he’s totally on board for whatever I want to do.There’s just one problem: His parents are on a completely different wave length. They immigrated from the Caribbean about twenty years ago, and while they’re sweet, reasonable people, they’re also very traditional and think about things VERY differently than do my boyfriend and I. The idea of no wedding hasn’t even crossed their minds, and I don’t think my future mother-in-law can even fathom that a woman would not want a wedding. For years, she’s been telling me that if we do get married, she’ll happily pay for both a Hindu and Catholic wedding. The problem, even if I wanted a wedding, which I don’t, is that I’m neither Hindu (like her mother) or Catholic (like her). I usually laugh when she says this, remind her that we’re not engaged yet, and try to change the subject. I think she’s gotten the hint and assumes that she might not be getting the wedding she’s envisioned – but she definitely assumes there will be a big wedding of some sort. I know that she will be crushed when I break the news to her. I know that she will cry, and that grandma will cry, and that her disappointment will be because she honestly cannot understand it. Her extended family, too, are waiting for a wedding; they tell me to hurry up at every family function. For this reason, I keep telling my boyfriend not to propose. I realize how ridiculous it is to not get married because of this, but I dread the conversation and the fall-out. My only other thoughts have been to run off and elope and apologize later, or to just let her have the wedding she wants, not invite any of my family/friends, and to consider myself an actress in a play and just get through the day. I really don’t think a compromise would make things much better; like getting married alone but letting her throw us a party or something. She wants the whole shebang.I’d love an outside perspective. Am I right to think if I don’t want a wedding I shouldn't have to have one? Am I being selfish for not just giving the woman (and grandma, don’t forget grandma!) their biggest wish? (I should mention that my boyfriend is an only child, and also his grandma’s oldest grandchild.) If I’m confident they won’t understand a conversation beforehand, should we run away and suffer the consequences? Ugh. Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 December 2012):
Seriously, its one day. If thats all it takes for harmony in the family, Id probably say its worth the "sacrifice."
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2012):
 If you don't want a wedding do not have one. They will get over it.
I personally think that if you want the family at a small to-do you have two options.
Option 1. tell them we are getting married at the court house on XX/xx/xx at 2 pm (or whatever time) We would love to have you there and then we can all go out for a celebratory luncheon. I would do it no more than two weeks in advance to avoid all the hassles you will have with a longer plan. You still will have pressure to do more.
Option 2 Elope. Tell them after the fact. Be prepared then however to let them host a big party ( a reception without the wedding).
Part of getting married is learning to work with the extended family you acquire as part of the marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): It is "your" day and your future husband's day. It is "not" their day. You must do what you want and not what other family members want. Do what makes you feel the most comfortable.
I've never liked being the center of attention either.
In your situation I would elope and then tell them later. Then you should both treat yourselves to a grand honeymoon from all the money that has been saved.
If they want to throw a reception for you afterwards that would be fine.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 But what do you exactly mean by " a big wedding " or " a traditional wediing " ? If you only mean they want to invite lots of people and throw a big dinner, yes I guess it's difficult to weasel out of it.
If they want to have a formal, religious wedding, will all the proper rituals.. explain them it's too complicated and you most probably would not even be able to pull it off . It's the truth.
You are neither Hindu nor Catholic, but I assume your boyfriend is either one.
If he is Hindu, forget about it, they couldn't marry ( I am always talking about a religiously valid marriage ) out of their chaste, imagine another religion. You can't even convert to Hinduism, you are born with it . I don't think an Hindu priest would accept to perform a sham ceremony with a non Hindu.
If he is Catholic and you are not, you still need to get a special permission from the Bishop, which is not authomatic, but subjected to certain terms and condition ( like the non Catholic party accepting in written to christen their children and raise them in the Catholic faith ) and still is basically at the Bishop's discretion. If you are some denomination of Protestant, it should go down sort of easily - they may still want you to go to cathechism and educate yourself about Catholicism , do you want to do that ? -
but if you declare yourself atheist or pagan etc.- you can basically forget about it.
So, pretty much a proper religious wedding is either impossible or quite a time consuming enterprise.
I think ou'll have anyway to show up at a registry office and sign for a civil wedding.
Of course, nobody says you can't throw a huge party for a civil wedding too.. and this is where they have you :).
Personally, even if I see the merits in being a good sport and showing compassion to the family, ..I would not do it, I would choose " selfishness ", i.e. to be true to myself.
You are the one living your life according to your value and principles, ok for being flexible, but this is not about the choice of a restaurant or of which movie to watch. If you don't believe in marriage and don't want to get married to begin with, getting married to please somebody else is a mockery of your own values and theirs.
If you are up for a simple civil wedding without any hullabaloo, ditto : this is YOUR wedding, YOUR big day, YOU are the bride, it is your right and privilege having it the way you want it , and the way you'd like to remember it hopefully for the rest of your life.
Mom and grandma, are old enough to understand that " you can't always get what you want " and THEY can be good sports if they wish. Or else,cry at their heart's content- they'll get over it , trust me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): I think that this is a problem of great significance. It sets the tone for how you and your future in-laws will handle future disagreements. So tread carefully.
Since his mom is the one who wants the wedding, is she going to pay for it all? I mean, traditional weddings can cost a lot of money and it's not fair of her to demand that you spend a ton of money that you don't want to.
If she says she will pay everything, ok then why not just go along with it, after all it's only one day in your entire life. Surely "playing an actress" for just ONE day won't kill you? Treat it as not that big a deal. But beware that if you go this route you will probably have to invite your family as well, or they will get upset that you invited the in-laws to your wedding but not them.
If you absolutely cannot bear the thought of having a wedding, then the only thing left to do is to stick to your guns and deal with your future in-laws' reaction. They will get over it in time, don't worry. This might actually be the better approach because seeing as how right now they're so pushy on you to do things their way and disrespecting your wishes for your own life, I see this as an ominous foreshadowing of things to come in your married life. I always think that in situations like this it's best to set boundaries as early on as possible because once you allow pushy people to walk over you, it's much harder to reclaim that lost ground later on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): I just married in September at our catholic ceremony of 200 people. However, we had also eloped last December in Las Vegas (with his immediate family there). Let me tell you, the key is to do what you want.
The big wedding for me was just a waste of money and time. You spend so much money to entertain people for an evening and then poof, its over. You're exhausted and can't believe you put yourself through it all.
I loved our elopement. It was simple, planned it in one week and it ended up being very fun. Personally I regret having a big wedding. It was NOT worth it.
I think you should compromise here: Don't have a huge wedding. Have a tiny wedding. Just immediate family and a few close friends. If you do elope, do invite immediate family. It would be disrespectful not to invite them.
Ask your future mother-in-law to instead invest the wedding money in a future grandchild (set up a college fund) or help you two out towards a house. Just be polite and clear that you will not be having any type of large wedding. She will have to respect your decision.
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