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How much of an issue is porn while getting into a serious relationship/marriage?

Tagged as: Dating, Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 May 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2018)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

How much of an issue is porn while getting into a serious relationship/marriage?

I don't know if I'm addicted but I watch it everyday. I am currently single and I've noticed that I watch it even when I'm with someone. Do women take offence to their men doing this? I sometimes find it more pleasurable than real sex because I can just get it out of my system and get on with my day without having to worry if she got hers or wondering if I hurt her feelings by not being intimate and passionate enough.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntOP,

Take a gander at this website.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

It might give you some extra insights that you didn't consider.

Unless you date a women who ISN'T really into sex and rather you "do you" then YES I think you will run into problems for ALL the reasons the Aunties and Uncles pointed out.

Also do you have so little imagination that you HAVE to watch porn to get aroused?

And let's not forget, that IF porn leads you to become a LOUSY ans LAZY sex-partner is that really worth it? Porn IS NOT reality (even the so called homemade stuff) they all (depending on genre of course) follow a SIMPLE script mainly directed towards the MALE viewer. Who is NOT worried about his partners pleasure, not really. So you see where the problems can go from porn into a REAL relationship?

Like WiseOwlE suggested TRY and take a month off WATCHING porn. A month might sound like a long time - but the thing is - you can still "spank the monkey" as much as you like, just try and do without the porn.

Let me compare it to a woman using vibrator(s). If she is single that might make masturbation faster and sometimes perhaps even more pleasurable than just fingers/hands. BUT it will ALSO make it MUCH MUCH harder for her to ENJOY sex with a man, because - well, you all don't buzz, no vibrations, not always finding the right spot etc.

Or let's say you meet a woman like you. WHO rather watch porn and "do herself" than put in the "work" to get you both going and both climax. She might even prefer to look at men that looks NOTHING like you. What then?

How would YOU feel if your partner rather just "do herself" and well, you can do you? After a while it might just affect how you see yourself as a lover and man.

Same goes for a woman.

Sex is not "just" sex. It's not just about the climax. It's the most INTIMATE and PERSONAL you can get with a person. In a relationship it's also that added layer that ONLY the partner gets to share. So YEAH it is important to be aware, to enjoy and SHARE that pleasure and not be a selfish twat in bed. (man or woman).

So yes, PORN can be a big issue if you don't understand that in a relationship daily use may affect the partner.

Honestly? No woman wants porn sex.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

The brain-chemical serotonin acts like an analgesic. It's what's sent to your neurotransmitters to stop pain. Just in case you're wondering.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Post script:

If it turns out you're addicted, that means you have to give it up altogether. Like an alcoholic, one drink could lead to a binge. If you find that you can go weeks without it, and your sex-life is fulfilling with a woman; it's okay for occasional pleasure as a treat to yourself. You have to maintain a sense of intimacy to relate to woman on all levels. Eventually, your penis will become insensitive to real-sex.

What would you need a woman for? What will a woman need you for? How will you express your desires for her? When all you really need is porn.

Phone apps are designed to cause addiction. Sex, is addictive in its own right. It creates oxytocin and serotonin. Whatever triggers the pleasure-centers in the brain; there are apps created to submit a constant feed to keep it over-stimulated. Thereby creating a constant surge of endorphins. Like a drug, the mind craves more and more.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Well, you've got a couple things you need to work on.

They are as follows:

(1) "I don't know if I'm addicted but I watch it everyday."

"...I've noticed that I watch it even when I'm with someone."

Addiction means: "the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity." It's a habit that is too difficult to break, or an obsession. If you can't skip a few days, consider it an addiction.

Abstain for a few weeks to let your mind regain control over your impulses.

(2) " I sometimes find it more pleasurable than real sex because I can just get it out of my system and get on with my day without having to worry if she got hers or wondering if I hurt her feelings by not being intimate and passionate enough."

This is an indication that you may be developing intimacy issues. Reinforcing your selfishness to a degree you don't care about your partner's needs. You prefer self-pleasure over sharing. Be that the case, your female sex-partner will be more than offended! She will feel neglected, it would be an assault on her self-esteem; and you will most likely go soft soon after your own orgasm. Thereby losing any interest in pleasuring her to hers.

You're not a horny teenage-kid anymore. You're a man now.

I think you should delete all the porn apps off your phone and go cold-turkey. Don't initiate any serious commitments beyond dating. If you're contemplating having a serious relationship; read your post to yourself out-loud.

If you have been a frequent reader here on DC; you will get a pretty good consensus of how women feel about guys too much into porn.

Yes, it may depend on the woman; but how many women do you think don't mind giving up their pleasure in exchange for their husbands or boyfriends pleasing himself through masturbation to images on a device or a photo, versus sharing his needs with her?

You don't need a survey, just use common-sense.

Would your rather your wife or girlfriend prefer the use of a big dildo or a vibrator, over whatever size penis you have? Even worse, compensating for your size and ineptness with a sex-toy; because you're not big enough. Different situations; but it hurts your feelings all the same.

If you can't give it up; or put it away for a few days. You've got a problem.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (18 May 2018):

Dionee' agony auntWhether or not it will be an issue will depend on the woman that you're with but let's zone in on this for a second:

You tend to sometimes enjoy porn more than an actual intimate relationship with others...that's a problem. That's where your porn use can spiral out of control and can change from being innocent to a full blown addiction. I seem to be in agreement with YouWish on this. Go and view Terry Crews talking about his porn addiction and how it almost lost him his entire family and his wife. It may provoke a response within you.

Why then, would you need companionship if porn sees to all of your needs? The fact of the matter is; porn is NOT better than sex unless there's a problem. Your hand isn't better than intimacy with an actual woman. It seems as though you don't want to have to consider anyone else and you just want to get on with your day which is really sad because it's all about you... for this, I think you should stay single for the time being because your own sexual needs WILL come before the needs of a potential partner.

I think that you need to see things from a new perspective. I mean, I have nothing against porn but now and again I see why some woman do; stuff like this happens. I think porn can be useful and strengthen a relationship if used within the right way and for the right reasons. You have used porn as a substitute for actual intimacy, to this I say; please focus on changing your ideas on sex. Learn to see it in a more positive light. Until then, try not to rope someone in until you've figured this out first.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

YouWish agony auntOh boy, you said something that could be a major problem for you in your relationships:

"I sometimes find it more pleasurable than real sex because I can just get it out of my system and get on with my day without having to worry if she got hers or wondering if I hurt her feelings by not being intimate and passionate enough."

That mindset will destroy your relationships from the inside out, because that is a big red flag for a porn addiction because it interferes with your natural drive to pursue intimacy with a woman.

Sex is SUPPOSED to be trial and error, especially at first with a new person! You should be continuously honing your skills and getting better and more accomplished at sex! It's like taking music lessons, or pilot's lessons, or being an athlete, or bettering your career, or anything that involves you putting maximum effort into becoming better!

Porn addiction screws with your sex drive, so that your brain gets too used to artificial stimulation, and your body gets too used to masturbation that you don't get as aroused during natural sex. Believe me, it happens way too much, where a guy gets too used to his hand or a fleshlight or whatever, and he has to have porn or he doesn't come. THAT is addiction.

When you prefer to "rub one off" to being with a woman, then you have a porn addiction, and you WILL disappoint a woman because porn addiction very often causes erectile dysfunction. Oftentimes, a guy has a tight grip with his hand on his penis while watching porn, and then he gets with a woman, and her vagina doesn't grip like his own hand does. In the middle of the sex act, he'll go limp! Then that emotionally traumatizes and embarrasses HIM, which then makes it start happening EVERY time he has sex, which frustrates his lover, which traumatizes him, and then he runs to porn because there, he doesn't have to worry about it.

I am married and don't care if my husband uses porn as long as he is discreet about it and it doesn't interfere with our sex life, so I'm not some anti-porn crusader.

I strongly urge you to go to the site "yourbrainonporn.com". It's non-judgmental, and explains the peril of porn addiction as well as the physiological changes to your sex drive that porn addiction inflicts on your mind and body.

Porn in moderation to supplement or quick relief is fine! But preferring it to sex is dangerous to you!

Finally, if you're not "Intimate or passionate enough", why would that cause you to crawl into porn and not hone your sex skills to a degree that she's BEGGING you to sex her up until her toes curl?? Take the time to learn, to practice, and when the occasional bedroom misfire happens (and it DOES happen!), have a sense of humor about it and plan to do it better the next time! Learn the ins and outs of the female body. DO NOT USE PORN AS AN EDUCATIONAL TOOL to learn how to have sex with a woman!!!

SERIOUSLY! Porn sex is not sex! Yes, there are close-up shots of penises in vaginas (and mouths, and anuses, and wherever), but you're not seeing the proper way to please a woman! You're seeing sex acts designed to arouse a viewer, not to be mutually beneficial to the two people having sex. The moans are simulated and mostly fake. The sex act is spliced together to get the best edit, and literally, 10 seconds of tongue-splashing kissing followed by 100 different positions and NO foreplay and 5 seconds of oral sex with her is NOT REAL SEX, and you will not please her by doing to her what's done to please YOU on camera.

Go to an adult shop where they sell books, and toys and get videos and books on how to have better sex. Some of the tantric how-to's are amazing in teaching REAL sex techniques. NOT PORN!

Don't take the easy way, and if you have a porn addiction, do something about it before you start dating! In fact, watching too much porn and dampening your sex drive is probably a huge reason why you're single in the first place! Read that site - yourbrainonporn. Many of the guys on there were single because they squelched their natural sex drive and didn't pursue girls, and when they did, they were awkward and uncomfortable. When they rebooted their brains and sex drives, all of a sudden they were connecting with women on ALL levels and their sex drive, their ability to have a ROCK HARD erection, and most importantly, their sexual encounters with women went from mediocre and tepid to OFF-THE-SCALE fantastic and intense orgasms that they NEVER got with porn.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntI concur with the other aunts on this. It certainly depends on the woman, but most of the posts we get here from women who's significant others are using porn are very negative. They tend to feel very hurt and they tend to take it very personally.

It's probably a good idea to ween yourself off of porn even if you weren't getting involved with someone. Every day porn use is probably indicative of an addiction, or at least it's a strong warning sign on the road to an addiction. It depends on the rate of increase of your porn use. Is it still increasing? Will it become more than once a day in the near future? Do thoughts of porn fill your mind when you're doing other things? Have you ever masturbated at work? These are things to consider.

I see nothing wrong with occasional porn use when it's under control. Many women also get aroused watching the occasional porn with their significant other. Really, the issue is self control. If you're honest with yourself, are you in control? If not, then it's highly probable that you're addicted.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2018):

It depends on a woman.

Be careful, porn is ok in general, but even if you do not get really addicted it can change your attitude towards real sex. Reality won't be able to match up. And I'm not talking about women's bodies only, but the whole scenario.

Porn films are 99% made for men. Women are objects. Its' all about men's pleasure. Foreplay and real intimacy for that matter are non-existent, and for the majority of women that's the most important.

Some men are so much affected by the porn that they start having serious problems with their erections and premature ejaculations.

As long as it just for fun, as long as it does not affect your life it's ok.

Compare porn to sugar. If you use it all the time you develop a certain tolerance and crave more and nothing else will do.

Some women have some, let's say, theoretical issues with porn (moral, for one), but others have real ones. If your partner is replacing you with porn or is a lazy lower, or has some unattainable expectations of you because of porn, than that's a real problem.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

mystiquek agony auntIt depends on the woman. For some women, its a deal breaker so the guy lies about it, the woman finds out and then the problems start. Read the archives on here, you'll see how big of a problem it really is. For other women, its no big deal if it doesn't interfer with the couples sex life. I'd wager a guess that about 75% of women do NOT like their guys watching porn.

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