A
male
age
41-50,
*spartame90
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for 6+ years now. I love her, I know I do, and we get along very, very well. But there have been mounting problems over the last few years that have recently come to a head, and I'm finding myself helpless and stuck. For years, my partner didn't seem to want to do things I wanted to do -- movies, museums, etc. When we did go out together, it was mostly to parties at her friends', or out for drinks with her friends, etc. The things I wanted to do, I did alone, and I genuinely enjoyed being with her friends. I got used to doing my activities by myself. Things began escalating. Two years ago I proposed to her and she said yes. I tried to get us on a budget to allow us to save money for the wedding, but she got angry and refused to follow it. When it came time to do the legwork for the wedding, I was the one finding caterers and halls and making appointments to go see them -- she didn't really participate at all. I know she loves me, but she said she was scared of the "big"ness of it. At a certain point, her unwillingness to participate/get involved made me sad. That, plus her unwillingness to get on a budget to financially prepare for the wedding, made everything feel futile. So I gave up. We've been engaged for 2 years, with no motion on the wedding it all. It makes me sad and embarrassed. But, again, I didn't push the issue, because we didn't argue, had tons in common, got along -- why make a big deal out of it?There were other cracks, though, too - we haven't had sex in almost 2 years(!), largely because I was no longer attracted to her (I don't want to get into the specifics). She was unhappy with the way she looked, but I never saw her take any actual steps to change things. I tried encouraging her, making plans for us to go to the gym together, etc., but it never stuck. But, again, we got along well -- we never fought, my family loved her, I loved her family, so what was the big deal, right?A few months ago, my partner dropped another bomb on me: she had been silently running up credit card debt, and was now in the high tens of thousands in the hole. And, to my discredit, I panicked. I began staying at work until 8pm, and my resentment toward her took full hold. I just became blind with anger toward her.Surprise, surprise: it wasn't long before I became emotionally involved with someone else. There has been absolutely *no* physical relationship with this person, but it's given me significant pause. I want to reiterate: my partner is unbelievably sweet - she has a good heart, is caring, and I truly believe she loves me. She is *NOT* a harpie or a whiner or a wench.Long story short: my partner and I are now separated. We are trying to talk things out, but it's been difficult and complicated. And, honestly, I'm scared: my partner "gets" me and understands me, and we do get along, and I do love her. But I'm deeply worried about spending the rest of my life with someone who seems unable to do the "hard work" it takes to be a functioning adult. I have tried to help her with her finances (she rejected my budget, saying "my money is my business") and i've tried to help her with her physical appearance. I am worried that she cannot change, and I feel like I've been the one making the sacrifices for the better part of our relationship.I feel selfish and awful. How much "baggage" should one person take? Shouldn't I just buck up and accept her debt, because I love her? Is it immature of me to not be attracted to her? *Everyone* loves her, and I enjoy her company -- I just feel likt everything is so broken, and I don't know what kind of future we could have together. The presence of someone else has made me realize that maybe, just maybe, there are "other fish in the sea." Believe me, I know the adage about the "grass always being greener," but the thing that bothers me is that sometimes the grass truly *is* greener.
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female
reader, Tiavancouver  +, writes (28 November 2008):
Counseling would be my suggestion IF you really want to work things out. Running up credit cards like that and not wanting to have sex, and not feeling good about yourself may all be about a bigger issue, i.e. self-esteem/self worth. This may root itself back to childhood issues that a counselor can deal with. Reason I bring that up is because I have been through those as well and can relate. People can change but for one thing they have to believe there is a problem, and they have to want to change. If the people around them keep giving them what they need (money, understanding, or staying in relationship regardless) they will just keep doing the same things over and over again. Then again, they may still do it over and over again UNLESS they choose to change. You may talk until you are blue in the face, she needs to want to change for her - not for you, not for your relationship, for her. It may take a long time, it may be a lightbulb moment, we all have a breaking point and need to decide how much time we are willing to give to something. What I can tell you is, if you come out and actually say you are giving her a deadline, it won't work. It may change for a short period of time because she may want the relationship to work out, but ultimatums are often seens as threats and that never works. If you give yourself a deadline in your head that may be something different - finding a good counselor, especially one that deals with childhood/family issues would be my suggestion. It's been a great help for me and for a few people I know. We need to keep working at it, because it was 39 years in the making, we can not undo it overnight, but the tools that we are given have greatly improved our outlook. Wish you well....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): I think a separation is good. You both have time to evaluate what you really want from each other and for you futures.
If you want to help her, I don't suggest paying off her debt. Instead, you could pay for a financial advisor to help her sort through her mess. The advisor could help her understand how to budget money. Paying off her debt won't teach her anything, only that you will always bail her out. You should be emotionally supportive through the process, that will help her more than anything.
As far as the sex, if you haven't had sex in 2 years someting is wrong! Maybe she got comfortable being with you for so long and doesn't feel the need to take care of herself. Maybe you are not in love with her anymore, but can't let go.
If you want to pursue the relationship, I think you should seek counseling. Regardless to whether or not you continue the relationship, I think counseling would be a good idea for you, so that you address all your problems, so they don't follow you. 6 years is a long time, and to repair it will take time, or to leave it behind will also take time.
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