A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am with a man who on my watch quit drinking. As he was trying to quit drinking (took him 3 attempts) he stopped having sex with me. From often and exciting sex life it went to nothing. After trying different things, we are still together and married. We are on a schedule now. He does everything he can to please me but he cannot sustain his interest in bed. We start very well and shortly after he simply loses interest. I am 99% sure he masturbates to porn. He says he deleted all the porn but his imagination is still running wild. Has anybody here have been with a man who quit drinking and how did that affect your sex life? I also have a question for men who quit drinking and how did that affect your sex life? Also, what kind of a man would rather masturbate than have sex with his young, sexy wife?? Is it a man who lost interest and would rather live in a fantasy world yet still enjoys the friendship of his wife?! If that's the case why won't he let me go and we can enjoy our friendship as friends not as spouses? Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear female reader from April 30th.
Please DO NOT marry him until you can say to yourself that you are content with the way things are. I think that something stands between my husband and I because there was a time when sex was normal. I am going to give it a few more months and if nothing changes I will leave him. At the meantime, I am looking at my actions to see how I can better myself for myself (not for him). You guy needs to check his testasterone level or it's possible that he is a sex addict (addicts frequently stop having sex with their spouses/gf.) It seems to me that your guy has always been like this because it does not bother him unless it does and you just don't know about it. But again don't get consumed by this problem, it will destroy YOU. Your job is to maintain your own peace of mind at all costs. My advice to you, have an honest conversation and somehow let him know that you are serious. If he does not want to "help" you, ask him to seek out medical help, counseling. But I don't really know the answers to your's and mine problem. I just know it does not make me happy although by myself I am pretty happy in life...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): I have the same problem. I have been researching it on the Internet and unfortunately, the only responses that I get are about women that don't want sex. I am about to marry a man who does not have sex with me. He always has excuses. The thing that bothers me more than us not having sex, is the fact that he never seems to want me in that way. We have an awesome relationship with the exception of not having sex. All men get it from somewhere and if it isn't from you, he is either masturbating or getting it somewhere else. It is very confusing and I hope somebody can help us both.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (23 April 2008):
 One more thing, it's common for someone that is recovering from an addiction to replace it with another addiction. This could be what he's doing with pornography.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (23 April 2008):
Usually when people are recovering from an addiction, they have many system irregularities and withdrawal can definitely take a toll on your libido. It can take up to a few months for your body to respond in a normal capacity to different stimuli, depending on the duration of the addiction. However, if he is able to masturbate and get off looking at porn, he needs to make a commitment to not doing this for awhile and focus this energy on your sex life until it gets back in balance. The other thing about addiction is that once the person recovers, they still have to deal with all of the character flaws or things they were masking through the addiction. This is a two part process, the physical and the mental. You can help your husband by understanding this and not expect miracles, not be surprised when new issues come up, and also by being firm when he's realistically accountable like this issue. He needs to cut out the porn for now.
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A
male
reader, previasc96 + ♥, writes (23 April 2008):
Your husband has used alcohol to get in the mood so long that after he stopped drinking, he can't make the connection anymore. Since you are married, he needs to be a man and give you the attention you deserve!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): Masterbating instead of sex?
Masterbating doesn't require being responsible to someone else and giving something back that will be judged.
Masterbating isn't critical of performance. After masterbation, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
Sex ... if done wrong or not to expectations, you'll have a cold shoulder for several days. Sex can be used against you for any reason, imagined or for real.
It sounds like your husband has issues. Anxiety, depression maybe. When a man feels he cannot speak to his mate, he looks elsewhere for relief. Masterbation and looking at porn seem to be a method that isn't considered cheating. He loves you, but you both or he has a problem.
"I think and can be wrong"!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): I was an addict ad have been clean for 10yrs. I'm not sure how hard your husband was drnking or how long but let me say this... When I stopped drinking/using-I became a little nutty for a while. All these emotions flooded me:feeling inadequate, less then, unworthy, helpless- all these felings were what I was running from nd now had to face sobor! Your man now needs more emotiona support then any other. He needs to feel like he is your everthing- king kong and all that. Praise him fr not drinking- tell him how hard it must be and that you will be there to help himwith any feelins that may arise. Tell him that you re insecure to in the bedroom and that yo just want to have sensual" conection- not a crazy awsome sex life- (that will come when he is healed) He may have also used drinking to have sex- and now sobor sex may feel different to him. He may also have sex issues that were msked by drinking- these things can all be addressed over time. Just don't pressure him ad kep reassuring him- AND HAVE PATIENCE ! The most important part! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 All men are unique and not the same.
If he is a drinker, he needs to drink to carry on his normal life.
What is normal to him is abnormal to another.
If he stops , his life will be messed up.
If his young and sexy wife is frigid or inexperienced or
does not know how to please him , then he would rather masturbate .
Some men can still have a happy marriage minus the sex.
I don't know if the wife is happy or not.
For some, love is more important than sex.
He is married to you unless you want to tell him that you
are no more spouses but only friends.
Then you need to get divorce and live separately.
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