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How does quitting drinking affect men's sex life? What kind of men would rather masturbate than have sex with the young, sexy wife?

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Question - (23 April 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 15 April 2009)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I am with a man who on my watch quit drinking. As he was trying to quit drinking (took him 3 attempts) he stopped having sex with me. From often and exciting sex life it went to nothing. After trying different things, we are still together and married. We are on a schedule now. He does everything he can to please me but he cannot sustain his interest in bed. We start very well and shortly after he simply loses interest. I am 99% sure he masturbates to porn. He says he deleted all the porn but his imagination is still running wild. Has anybody here have been with a man who quit drinking and how did that affect your sex life? I also have a question for men who quit drinking and how did that affect your sex life? Also, what kind of a man would rather masturbate than have sex with his young, sexy wife?? Is it a man who lost interest and would rather live in a fantasy world yet still enjoys the friendship of his wife?! If that's the case why won't he let me go and we can enjoy our friendship as friends not as spouses? Please help!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009):

Thank you for your post. I am still with my husband. We went through a very hard time but it seems things are getting better. At least, we don't argue about lack of sex anymore. But the frequency is still not where it used to be or what I would consider normal. He has no explanation why he does not have sex more often... We'll see.

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A female reader, mmm3 United States +, writes (15 April 2009):

Hey, this is an update to my previous statement. It has now been a little more than 3 months since my husband stopped drinking. He has actually laughed a lot this last week and the dark cloud is starting to lift over his head.

I was worried that he wasn't having sex with me but now his frequency is actually picking up. I am beginning to see that his shyness was more prevelent when he wasn't drinking anymore. A cousin told me that when someone drinks every day that they have to start a new life being sober. That every day they need to relearn things being sober.

That is how it seems to be! I can't say everything is perfect, but I loved him when he drank all the time, but how much easier it is to love a sober man! I don't even drink anymore. And I have so much more energy. I find that I am happy almost 100% of the time.

He still hardly talks about mushy things, and a couple of days ago I was a little depressed because my girlfriend, who was married for 27 years, just had her husband hand her papers for a divorce. I told my husband and he didn't say anything, but the next day he brought me a rose and a little cute stuffed monkey.

I tell you, I can never be bored with him. And, although we may never be good enough to be in a porn (like I would want to do that anyway), my sex life has dramatically improved from 3 months ago. I believe, as well, things will continue to get better and better. If the first 6 months are the worst and we are doing so good at 3 months, there is definately something wonderful here!

So, girlfriend, even though it isn't fun to quit drinking, after months of sobriety your life, and your husband's life I believe will be better and better.

Take Care. I will comment in the future again. It still is a day to day process that we need to be thankful for.

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A female reader, toysussie United States +, writes (12 April 2009):

We have been married for 25 years. I am 65 yrs old as of march '09. On Jan 1, 2009 my husband told me he had a 7 yr affair 5 years ago. He stopped drinking about 15 yrs ago. He has always treated me like a queen.

When he stopped drinking our sex life ended. I thought to myself, if I must, I will give up sex if he will stay off the alcohol.

When he told me of the affair, I really wanted to die. I could see no reason to keep living because of the choice I had made. He told me he thought I did not find him sexually attractive. It was true when he drank.

My body was changing and I was not producting the vaginal fluids like I used to. He took this as a rejection.

Please have your hubby see a doctor. I just want you to know I was and still am very trim, pretty and sexy. We are slowly working this out, but he is now old with diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure and more.

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A female reader, mmm3 United States +, writes (10 March 2009):

Hey, don't feel bad!

I have a very loving husband, and he doesn't cheat at all, and I know he loves me. He was a heavy drinker for the previous 10 years I knew him. Now he has quit. Once a month (or every week, I don't know) I ask if there is anything I can do in this area and he says that it isn't me and I believe him.

Somehow Anonymous above has the answer, be PATIENT! I know I have no patience at times. But I do know that love is deeper than sex.

And I don't really understand what is going on, but I do know that it must have something to do with how he feels. I was told the first 6 months are the worst, so I will see after 6 months are done.

Funny thing, no one talks about this and they should. This must be more common than you would think.

And, it helps to be older. Patience is soooooo hard when you are young! I probably couldn't have done it then.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear female reader from April 30th.

Please DO NOT marry him until you can say to yourself that you are content with the way things are. I think that something stands between my husband and I because there was a time when sex was normal. I am going to give it a few more months and if nothing changes I will leave him. At the meantime, I am looking at my actions to see how I can better myself for myself (not for him). You guy needs to check his testasterone level or it's possible that he is a sex addict (addicts frequently stop having sex with their spouses/gf.) It seems to me that your guy has always been like this because it does not bother him unless it does and you just don't know about it. But again don't get consumed by this problem, it will destroy YOU. Your job is to maintain your own peace of mind at all costs. My advice to you, have an honest conversation and somehow let him know that you are serious. If he does not want to "help" you, ask him to seek out medical help, counseling. But I don't really know the answers to your's and mine problem. I just know it does not make me happy although by myself I am pretty happy in life...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

I have the same problem. I have been researching it on the Internet and unfortunately, the only responses that I get are about women that don't want sex. I am about to marry a man who does not have sex with me. He always has excuses. The thing that bothers me more than us not having sex, is the fact that he never seems to want me in that way. We have an awesome relationship with the exception of not having sex. All men get it from somewhere and if it isn't from you, he is either masturbating or getting it somewhere else. It is very confusing and I hope somebody can help us both.

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A male reader, previasc96 United States +, writes (23 April 2008):

Your husband has used alcohol to get in the mood so long that after he stopped drinking, he can't make the connection anymore. Since you are married, he needs to be a man and give you the attention you deserve!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

Masterbating instead of sex?

Masterbating doesn't require being responsible to someone else and giving something back that will be judged.

Masterbating isn't critical of performance. After masterbation, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

Sex ... if done wrong or not to expectations, you'll have a cold shoulder for several days. Sex can be used against you for any reason, imagined or for real.

It sounds like your husband has issues. Anxiety, depression maybe. When a man feels he cannot speak to his mate, he looks elsewhere for relief. Masterbation and looking at porn seem to be a method that isn't considered cheating. He loves you, but you both or he has a problem.

"I think and can be wrong"!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

I was an addict ad have been clean for 10yrs. I'm not sure how hard your husband was drnking or how long but let me say this... When I stopped drinking/using-I became a little nutty for a while. All these emotions flooded me:

feeling inadequate, less then, unworthy, helpless- all these felings were what I was running from nd now had to face sobor! Your man now needs more emotiona support then any other. He needs to feel like he is your everthing- king kong and all that. Praise him fr not drinking- tell him how hard it must be and that you will be there to help him

with any feelins that may arise. Tell him that you re insecure to in the bedroom and that yo just want to have sensual" conection- not a crazy awsome sex life- (that will come when he is healed) He may have also used drinking to have sex- and now sobor sex may feel different to him. He may also have sex issues that were msked by drinking- these things can all be addressed over time. Just don't pressure him ad kep reassuring him- AND HAVE PATIENCE ! The most important part! Good luck!

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (23 April 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntAll men are unique and not the same.

If he is a drinker, he needs to drink to carry on his normal life.

What is normal to him is abnormal to another.

If he stops , his life will be messed up.

If his young and sexy wife is frigid or inexperienced or

does not know how to please him , then he would rather masturbate .

Some men can still have a happy marriage minus the sex.

I don't know if the wife is happy or not.

For some, love is more important than sex.

He is married to you unless you want to tell him that you

are no more spouses but only friends.

Then you need to get divorce and live separately.

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