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How do you stay with someone who cheated? How do you deal with the betrayal? Any advice?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 January 2007) 11 Answers - (Newest, 14 June 2008)
A male age 36-40, anonymous writes:

How do you stay with someone who cheated?

Has anyone out there had someone cheat on you but you can't seem to leave them? How do you deal with the fact that you were betrayed? How do you know they want to be with you now? Are things ever the same? Can you still love that person just as much? How do you stop worrying when there not with you? Am I crazy for still wanting to be with them? Will I ever get what happened out of the back of my head?

I love this person dearly but I dont see everything the same way anymore. Any body have a time machine?

Thank you for any answers.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008):

i know its hard especially when u love them,am in the same situation,she cheated on me but i still love her.what u have to do is pretend as if nothing has happened.if u kip on thinking about it u will never sleep,u will even loose weight,if u wan forgive just do it and if u dont want then leave it,in your mind u know what is right.

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A female reader, SweetMysteryFire United States +, writes (13 June 2008):

Well it's very hard and i understand i've been there but no one can tell you what to do, but if you stay with this person it'll take time to trust them again and it'll take time for you to love them unconditionally again, but only time will tell, but if you choose to leave that person and start a new relationship just don't take it out on the next person,cause that person is different

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A male reader, parsley123 United Kingdom +, writes (29 May 2008):

I've just read these threads as I have just had the unpleasant experience of finding out that my other half had cheated on me.

Everyone makes some really valid points. I took the decision to accept what she said, and use it as a way to start a new slate, as a new beginning if you like. I decided that I could either leave this person, or resolve to trust them and accept it was a one off mistake. I think that it would be easier to leave and feel betrayed/bitter etc, but really I think you can forgive a one off mistake- as long as it doesn't ever happen again. We all have "wobbles" where we look at and desire other people, whether it's because of drink, or an argument, or just something else. I would say though, that if someone takes that new resolve and trust, and cheats a second time, then they are the lowest of the low, and do not obviously care about your feelings. I've found it has empowered me to forgive this person, and I know that they are sorry. But each case is individual, it's always easy from the outside looking in. If you love them enough to forgive them, then go for it. But don't forgive a second time and become a doormat. Phew, what an essay!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008):

I am going through this... my girl cheated me last year but we had a talk. I accepted her again cause i love her so much and i believed to all what she said and promised. Then here i am again, cheated by the same girl. Until this moment i'm hurting and yes it's harder the second time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008):

hey there.. just went through that 3 years ago, went through counselling thought everything was going good and bang... he did it again.. I truly loved him and did not want things to end either so I gave him a chance as just when I started trusting again, he betrayed me.... my advice, walk while you can my friend. It is way harder the second time around. My heart is broken and i am unsure if it is able to ever be mended.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2007):

Most people will disagree with my answer but, the bible says seek God first and all things will be added unto you (including the right partner)

I have been on both sides of the spectrum and please do not think i am saying Christians do not cheat or hurt people, what i am saying is that God loves you and wants the best for all areas of your life and that means blessing you with the right partner, the right one may not always mean perfect but it will mean that they FALL IN LINE with the path that God has chosen,we can't see the future but God can and this means if we trust him with our lives and desires we are less likely to fall into mess and when we do because he allowed us to go there he would already of made a way out and place us with someone who accomodates us spiritually, physically and emotionally and if they too trust him then they are accountable to him aswell as you.

God bless and i pray for peace for everyone who has ever been hurt or caused the hurt, take care, Jesus loves you. x

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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (18 January 2007):

cd206 agony auntWhen I was 17 my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I was absolutely crushed but I would have taken him back if he'd been willing. As it happened he ended up with my best friend although theyve long since broken up. Regardless of all that though, I think the reason I was willing to forgive him and the reason you're willing to forgive your girlfriend is because we have low self esteem. Why else would we put ourselves through it? If you really want to be with this girl and you can forgive her absolutely then good luck to you. Just don't get taken for a ride. You deserve better.


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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2007):

Ariel and BlueRat has some good points. As for me, I don't know how I would forgive a person whom has cheated on me, even if our relationship had problems in the first place. There are many factors that this may have happened. Possibly I wasn't attentive, or maybe she was unwilling and selfish. The spectrum of heartbreaks can be numerous.

However, to answer your first question more accurately, I would have to counter ask, "Would I be able to look into her eyes again after she has cheated on me?"

The answer is no. No matter how deeply in love I may be with someone, once they do anything to compromise that deepness with me, I will never be able to look into their eyes again. Like in love making, a huge part of that emotional bond is looking at each other in the eyes. For her to have given that bond to another man when we were supposed to be still together, I could never forget that. Forgiving her works in varying degrees however.

(Un)fortunately for you Mr. Anon, to be more neutral to this scenerio, I would have to say that I don't know whether you deserve the best or better or not. We know nothing about you, who you are, and what came around to have this happen to you. Surely, we can't put all cheaters in the same bag of crap, just as we can't put all 'murderers' in the same way.

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A male reader, Blue Rat United Kingdom +, writes (18 January 2007):

I think I have a different perspective on this kind of thing than most people, so perhaps my answer won't be what you're looking for. But here goes anyway.

Society places a ludicrous and unnatural straight-jacket on our behaviour in this area. Something that goes against every natural instinct we possess. If you go into a serious relationship with someone, be it marriage or co-habiting then yes, you need trust and, providing you deserve it through your own behaviour, you should expect honesty and loyalty and all that good stuff from your partner. But we don't ever OWN one another just because we live together or get married. Our emotions and our urges and attractions don't miraculously get switched off like a light, the minute we say "I do," so my point is that basically most people enter relationships with unrealistic expectations, and then their world falls apart when their partner fails to live up to those same unrealistic expectations.

Infidelity can be forgiven and you can move on if you try to bear some of that in mind. Unlike "happytochat" who has answered you below, I know many couples whose relationships have not only survived infidelity but gone on to be stronger, more honest, open, and happier relationships as a result. True, things are never the same - an event like that changes things - but they can be as good, if not better if you both learn and move on. And remember, when one party cheats, it's easy to make them the bad guy. Undoubtedly they will have committed a very hurtful and damaging act, but look at yourself too, and try to understand WHY they did it. What is missing from your relationship, your behaviour, your attitude that might have contributed? Be honest with yourself.

If you love her dearly as you say, you can find a way through this and to be just as happy as you were before. But you both need to be prepared to have some extremely open, honest frank discussions first.

Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2007):

Firstly, i'm so sorry that your partner cheated on you. It is the most horrible, soul-destroying thing that can happen to someone.

Your partner didn't cheat because of anything you did/didn't do. They cheated because they wanted 'more'. A lot of people who cheat do so despite the fact that they have happy relationships already. They just want more excitement, something different, a change, they're swept along by infatuation. But it's nothing to do with you. Remember that as you deal with this whole mess.

I suggest that you and your partner go to counselling, so that you can both ascertain what you want/need/expect from your partnership now. Only when you both know these thing will you know if your relationship can survive.

Again, i'm so sorry for what you're feeling now. And i know it feels like there's no real hope. But if you take control of what's left, you will feel better about the outcome: whatever that may be.

Good luck.

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A female reader, happytochat Australia +, writes (18 January 2007):

I personally think that if you stay with someone who cheats on you that you will always feel like that. There will always be that constant worry. I havent ever known someone who could stay with someone who cheated on them and not be constantly worried. So if i was you, i would find a way to move on.

I know you love this person, and im sure you do even though they cheated on you, but sometimes love isnt enough to make a relationship work. You need trust and this has clearly gone.

YOU desvere the best...someone who will not ONLY love you but ALSO give you trust in a relationship. You dont deserve just love, you deserve it all...the full thing. Dont settle for a relationship where you will constantly be tossing and turning at night due to being worried about where your partner is.

Its also important to remember that just because this one person betrayed your trust, not everyone will, so make sure if you go into another relationship you dont let this persons bad mistake make you overly worried about whether or not they will do it too.

i hope it works out for you :)

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