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How do you leave someone when they are the father of your child?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 December 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 27 January 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi, I’m eight weeks pregnant with what would be my first child. But before I knew, I had been thinking on and off that I wanted freedom, I started questioning being compatible with my boyfriend and resenting him. Sex life was declining and I had no interest in it but one of the few times I gave in, I got pregnant despite being on the pill. I’m panicking and can’t think straight. I simply can’t fathom the idea of an abortion. I feel horrible. We live together, met each other’s family and get along fairly well but now, I’m just exhausted and feel as though I’m suffocating. I want my baby no matter what but I just don’t think I should have continued our relationship. I care for him and love him to the best of my capacity, but I have so much inside me I’ve never dealt with and thinking of this makes me believe that I will not be a good partner to him. Already today, we argued about trash...yeah, was busy all week, cleaned house and forgot to take out trash. He just came back last night from a trip, I picked him up 1AM and had to be at work by 7am. He sent me pictures. I told him I messed up and forgot but can he please not send pictures? That just irritated me. He replied, “who do you think you’re talking to? Your

stepfather or something? Don’t explode at me cause I said you didn’t take out the trash.” I hated this, felt like a low blow. I know some of you will say it’s hormones but I’ve resented how he reacts to certain things A LOT. I think this is a sign of things to come. With a baby added, even worse. But how do you leave someone when they’re going to father your child?

View related questions: abortion, at work, sex life, the pill

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2018):

The baby is not going to make this better you do understand this right? I would never tell a woman what to do with her body but please snap out of the denial. At the very least consider adoption...

You are young enough to have more then this but having the child may risk you're chance of ever having better. Please think on that,

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2018):

Hope you are doing okay.

Good for you for choosing to keep the baby. It will be tough, but I bet you will find it worthwhile.

You are young. What you may not understand fully now is that people are not perfect. Usually people eventually realize this in their 30s and settle down because they have finally learned to compromise after many experiences.

Fights over taking out the trash are very common between partners, as are cleaning up the dishes, making the meals, etc. That is what domestic life is all about and just because he gets annoyed does not mean he is a bad person. Sure, the pictures are annoying but overall this is a very minor issue- not something to break up over.

As for the passion becoming less- this happens in every relationship. And relationships where it doesn't happen there are usually other problems (like unreliability) which fuel the passion but cause bad fights.

Finally I wanted to say that you state that the father is a good person. If he is a good person, I sincerely believe you owe it to yourself and your future child to give this relationship a fighting chance.

You may find yourself down the road with an equally "annoying" man who complains about the trash and wonder why you never gave your baby's father a fair shot.

I am saying all this because I have seen the effects first hand of a broken home. Yes, the kids survive, but it is very hard on them. If this is your only option (to break up) then take it, but I think that as you get older you will have to learn new ways to compromise. Life isn't a fairytale and love doesn't equate to passion. Love is about choosing to commit to someone who is FLAWED- just like you, but whom you will work together with to do your best.

I wish you the best and know this situation is tough. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (1 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThis may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think you should rule out abortion yet. You are pregnant, but it isn't a baby yet and it's worth looking into the process, as this man is horrible and doesn't seem like he'll be father material.

Also, marrying him would just trap you, so I'd advise against even considering that.

Open up to family and/or close friends. Prepare to move out before you get further along in your pregnancy.

Please, though, OP - look into abortion and adoption with an open mind, as you didn't plan for this foetus, aren't prepared for it to become a baby and are about to go through one of the most stressful events we can go through; breaking up and moving out with possibly nowhere stable to go.

We need to be in the best place we can, to be a good parent and give a baby what they need. Some people are selfish, even if their intentions are good, and keep the child when they don't have the practical necessities to raise them.

If you do have savings, a full-time job, family support and somewhere else to live, maybe you do have what you need to let this foetus grow into a baby and then raise that child. If you don't, though, it's worth speaking to a doctor and an adoption agency, as well as getting therapy for help to wrap your head around all of this and make the best decision you can.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2018):

Have you considered adoption, if abortion is a no-go for you? Reason being that you don't get the freedom you're after when you're a parent, let alone a single mother.

Marrying him would also be a bad idea. It would only lead to resentment and divorce.

I know you aren't comfortable with the idea of an abortion, but it may be worth speaking to a medical professional about it before the foetus develops into a baby. It's totally your decision, but I wouldn't want to grow cells into a baby, only to give them this father you've been lumped with.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (1 January 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI don't believe your concerns are hormonal ... was the trash pic and comments a one off or does you boyfriend often act this horrible?

He is not fit to be a father, imagine having a child in that environment, your boyfriend could treat the child the same or manipulate the child to treat you the same as he does. Either would not be healthy for you or bub.

Your question is how do you leave .... first up talk to your family, they may be able to offer some practical help while you get back on your feet.

Under no circumstances should you consider marrying this man .... down that path lies only heartache and sadness for you. You are already unhappy in the relationship ... don't exacerbate that by tying yourself to somebody who has no respect for you.

Congratulations on the pregnancy ... marriage is not a prerequisite to being a good parent ... I wish you well.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2018):

My old fashioned values can offend some but still I am going to say that you should get married ASAP and after the baby is born and if you are still feeling the same, you, then should divorce.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (1 January 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI too think this is a sign of things to come. Unbelievable really that he pulls YOU up about how you speak to HIM, when he has sent you a photo of THE TRASH! I mean, what the hell?

You had already decided this relationship was not for you before you found you were pregnant. Add a baby into an already strained relationship and things are only going to get worse. Much worse.

Get yourself out of there as quickly as you can and start enjoying your pregnancy. Hopefully he will find it in his heart to be a good dad to the baby.

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