A
female
age
51-59,
*lassic89
writes:How do you get your husband to open his eyes and see what he is throwing away? My husband told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. He told me this about 2 weeks ago. Up to that point he was giving me kisses in the morning and at night and saying he loved me. Now since he has said he doesn't love me anymore, all the kisses and saying he loves me have stopped like it was a faucet and he just turned it off. He said there isn't anyone else, but I found that he had been texting a certain number a lot beginning, the week before he told me and then I looked in his phone to find out who it was and it was a female. He said that he was just discussing this with her because she has been divorced twice. I said Oh, that's great, what are you going to be number three. He didn't like that too much, but oh well. He was pissed when he found out I went into his phone, but I figure that's his fault and he shouldn't have given me a reason to doubt him. We have two kids under 10, we own our house, we have a brand new car payment and are still paying on our other vehicle. Everytime I ask him if he is planning on leaving, he says I don't know. I think the problem is, that he is too comfortable where he is and he is afraid to make any move yet. He still sleeps in the same bed with me but it's like there is an invisible divider in the middle of the bed. He stays on his side and I stay on mine. How do I get him to see that I still love him and want to work things out? We are attending counseling, but have only been to one session and that was just to get background information on both of us. We have our second session on Wednesday and he told me after the last one, that if this session is like the last one, he is done. I don't know if that means done with counseling or done with me.
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female
reader, lrichier +, writes (17 October 2008):
I feel for you just went through same thing it was an affair. We are know trying to put our marriage back together look out for yourself.
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (15 October 2008):
 I agree with both the last posters. I think your husband is at the very least 'entertaining' the idea of an affair...if he hasn't already done something. God, how many times is it a female 'friend' who is listening to him, providing a shoulder for his to cry on?? Urgh! He probably is having some form of mid-life crisis, and even if it's not a conscious thing he is getting some need met through this other woman. The problem with that is that it means he is NOT going to be able to really examine the issues within your relationship - because he is distancing himself from you. It's a viscious cycle - that only he can really break. This is all incredibly sad for you - you must be in alot of pain right now.
Uncle Phill is right - attending counselling is a good start, it will hopefully allow the two of you to talk through issues without letting your emotional response get in the way, that non-biased third person will keep things on the right path. But at the end of the day - it will only be helpful for your husband if he is willing and wanting to participate.
I agree that you should see someone yourself, you will need that support in the next few months no matter what happens. Your trust in your husband, your stability, your life has been turned upside down - it will be some time before you feel 'safe' again.
Not wanting to seem pessimistic - I would also start thinking about getting some legal advice, IF he does decide to leave you should know what your rights are re. your joint assets and your kids. I know it's hard to even think about this stuff...but it's important.
Try to take things one day at a time, get yourself as much support as you can and take care of yourself.
Let us know how things go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): I can't penetrate his brain to figure out what he's thinking, but what I can say is that the kisses and 'I love you's' every day were perhaps done out of habit rather than anything else.
If you're going to counselling that's a step in the right direction, because as far as you are concerned the marriage is still salvageable. See how the next session goes and get back to us with the latest developments.
Maybe he'll see things more clearly when he comes to realise what he truly wants. The whole thing sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. If he doesn't know whether he's leaving or not you can definitely say he doesn't know what he wants.
I wish you luck, and hope things work out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): From everything that you say, I think your husband is having an affair. I have been there, as have many - and he is showing all the signs - including not responding to counselling (counselling doesn't work if someone is hiding something or telling lies!). His behaviour towards you will continue to be cold and distant all the while he is seeing someone else. You might like to get a private detective (to find out who it is and get proof), because he will deny everything. They rarely admit it even when found out! This could be emotionally a big shock so perhaps go to counselling by yourself at the moment in case you need support. Alternatively you could do nothing and see if it ends and things go back to normal. Some women do this - I couldn't. This is a painful time for you. Hugs.
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