A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was with my partner for 5 years. We talked about marriage and spending our lives together. However, over the last year we noticed that we wanted different things. I wanted to wait to get married, did not want to rush, I wanted to do a phd, become a lecturer and basically devote my time to academia. he wanted to get married and build a life together, with me at home looking after the kids that we were going to have. We decided that because we wanted such different things, that we should break up. Which we did about a week ago. After the exchanging of things, me moving out and everything he decided that it was best to not ever have contact. He never kept in contact with his other ex's as he doesn't see the point. I agree with him. We really need a clean break. My question is: how do you get over someone who was so good to you? He was a wonderful partner. there is nothing that I can say about him that was bad. He treated me like a woman, with respect and love. He had a lot of integrity and always did right by me. It was just that the timing wasn't right and we are not naive enough to say 'love will conquer all'' I KNOW that if I gave up my dreams, I would grow to resent him and I know that if he waited til I was done, it might be too late and he would miss out on the family he so desires. But he loved me and I loved him so, so much and unlike other relationships where I have been cheated on or treated badly, this man was wonderful and I cannot begin to imagine life without him. What can I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): If I'm honest, I agree. And if I was in your position I would of done the same thing.
But I think once I got the dream I wanted, it wouldn't be as good as expected most likely as I'd be missing the person I loved.
I can't understand why he wouldn't want to wait for you if he loved you so much. It is going to be hard for sure, but I'm sure you're strong enough to get through it. As someone said, surround yourself with friends, people and friends!
A
female
reader, eternallyinfinite  +, writes (16 September 2010):
Hi, I am a female and I am currently in a PhD (research/thesis-based) program. I personally don't have children, but I know some grad students start their families while in grad school, and while it is extremely difficult, it is possible.
I just feel that it's a shame that you broke up. It's rare to find someone who will treat you well. I guess a compromise was impossible? (like you have kids while in grad school and you/him split the childcare 50-50? or he help out more with the kids so you can focus on school?)
But - regarding what you can do - well, don't worry, grad school will take up most of your time, lol. Seriously though, go out with friends or take up new hobbies to distract you ...
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 September 2010):
I think you've done exactly the right thing. Take no notice of the post at the bottom (no disrespect), because if there's one thing that's more important than love, it's having a go at your dream. If you hadn't done this, you'd have wound up hating him and you know it.
Now you need to put your head into those books, surround yourself with friends and live for your dream. One day, you'll meet a guy who shares the same values as you (probably another lecturer), and it will be then that you know you made the right decision. For now, throw yourself into your PHD and friendships.
...............................
A
female
reader, ailemaaax  +, writes (16 September 2010):
You have really put yourself in a difficult situation. It's going to be very hard for you to get over somebody who has been in your life for so long, and who was so good to you.
You should surround yourself with friends, and perhaps focus heavily on that academia which you hold so highly -- it will help to keep your mind off things.
I'm not saying that you made the wrong decision, but you were very lucky to have a guy like that -- they are a rarity. But it sounds as if there was no compromising. Such a shame.
...............................
A
female
reader, Legioness +, writes (16 September 2010):
 You've both made the right decision, as you've said yourself, you most likely wouldn't have a truely happy future ahead of you so you've done the right thing and that really takes some strengths!
It's most definately going to be tough to move on from such a good thing, stay strong! One day you'll find that man who shares your wishes and hopes for the future :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Alwayswondering +, writes (16 September 2010):
Hi, I'm only 19. I have not experienced a break up of your magnitude. But let me propose a few things to you. Is it possible that you could get your P.hD and have kids? I know it's possible as I have heard of people going to school and having kids at the same time. I think you still love this person very much because it has only been a week. I'm sure you guys went over any side streets if you will to try to combat this issue. But may I ask you to perhaps go over them again? You guys have been together for 5 years now. That's a really long time. May be you guys can work things out? It's just if you guys have been together for five years, you guys probably went through a lot. I have always have the philosophy if you will to rationalize, and do that through looking at a problem/situation/event at every angle possible. I don't know if that is good. But I try to do that for complex issues. To answer your question, will probably be what people tell me. Don't talk as much... Don't hang out as much... Don't mention this person a lot... You will get over him/her eventually. I hate that. I really don't think you can fully get over someone you dated. Yes you can get over them to date another person. But you can never forget the good times you had with this person. Let me know what you think of this response. Sorry if I have been insensitive to you. It is my intention to help you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): I personally think it's silly cutting contact with one another completely. Especially just one week after splitting up. So you're never going to see/talk to one another ever again in your life?
Remember, love's hard to find and once you found it, you've basically just gave it away.
...............................
|
