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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I know this is probably going to get a bit of hate, because I know that I'm stereotyping men in a negative way, but it's just how it is, I'm sorry. :/ I kind of need advice on the future - I have kind of a damaging view of men, that makes me want to just give up completely, even considered just being alone forever. The thing is, with men, it's always about getting something better, someone could be perfect for the guy, but if another girl offers him anything, he'll go for it, just for the sake of getting something better/different. I just don't want to put myself in that position, where I'm perfectly happy, doing everything the guy could want, and then he's off bragging and perving on other girls. It's a biological thing, I get it, they can't help it. But why put yourself in the position to be made to feel horrible? But my thoughts are really conflicting, and it's stressing me out, I REALLY want to find someone and be happy, I want to cuddle up and have the normal relationship experience, but it's impossible to find a guy that's trustworthy, especially at my age! The thing is, I'm more than happy to see guys, but every guy that f*cks me about adds another guy to my list, the more guys I see, the more of a sl*t I'm seen as. So basically, if the guy I go out with cheats on me, or I dump him, then I'm gonna go out with someone else, that's 2 guys already. This will go on until I've slept with to many. -.- Ugh, it's a lose lose situation. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 Maybe look at the sort of men you're going for, as they're clearly jerks. I know you can't know from the start if a guy is going to treat you badly (and please don't think that I'm suggesting that it's your fault that you've been treated badly), but maybe there is a type you keep going for, and maybe the bad behaviour is something to do with that type. So maybe try breaking your pattern and try someone a bit different.Also, who cares how many men you're going through? Is your dating circle so insulated that you're getting a reputation? If that's the case maybe that is part of the problem (I mean the narrow pool of options, not the reputation). Try broadening your horizons a bit.And most importantly when you meet someone take things slowly. Hold off on sex, like for a couple of months at least. If he cares about you he will respect your wishes. If he won't accept that you want to take it slowly and keeps pressing you then that's a good sign that he's a jerk.So take things slowly. Try altering your dating patterns. And give yourself a break, stop putting pressure on yourself. It's nobodies business how many guys you've slept with.And finally realise that it's ok if you DO decide to take a break from men. It doesn't mean that you're going to be alone forever. And it might be helpful to gain some perspective and just learning to be happy with yourself.
A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 It isn't too hard luckily. Go on a date with a guy, don't have any expectations, it's just a date. You like the guy? Good, go on another date. Get to know him S L O W L Y. Don't have high expectations of him and learning him slowly will help, then if he lets you down you haven't invested a lot and you move on to another guy. Do not have sex too soon, always wait until you are in an exclusive relationship together. If he is one to pressure for sex immediately dump him because he is untrustworthy. A nice guy won't bring up sex within the first few dates at all, if a guy does that is all he is looking for and you dump him. But don't let it discourage you either- that's one asshole guy, not all men. For every asshole there is a nice guy out there. Maybe you date a string of assholes in a row, don't get discouraged still. Plenty of good guys out there and we all have a run of bad luck when dating, that's why you go slowly and don't have sex.
Next you need to think more positively. If you are negative you are looking for something to be wrong and you will definitely find it. As others have said think really hard about the guys you are attracted to as well. Do you always go for the same type? If you date a guy and he sounds just like your ex then you need to think hard about why he was attractive to you and then leave him. Otherwise you will be sucked back into the same crap. Make sure the guy you go on a date with fits the criteria you want in a serious boyfriend before even going out, don't settle for less. If you want a man who wants a relationship don't go out with the guy who is in it just for fun, "looking to see where this goes". Find someone with the same goals and is looking for a serious relationship. Don't be afraid to ask what they are looking for, don't mention marriage or anything crazy, but make it known that you aren't wanting to date casually or mess around and you are looking for something serious. A guy who doesn't want that won't bother. When I did online dating it was written in my profile exactly what I wanted and I could read other guy's profiles that admittedly only wanted to have some fun. Obviously we ignored each other. I have never been in the situation where a guy only wants sex with me. It needs to be firm and clear it won't be happening and I promise you that you will only meet someone who wants more.
If you date slower, don't have high expectations, make your goals known and wait until an exclusive relationship for sex you will weed out the losers. They will be gone before you have invested too much so it won't hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Men gain interest by waiting for sex. If he loses interest, he would have lost interest even after having sex. Wait at least 3/4 months before doing anything physical (foreplay/sex) with a guy your dating. Sex does not make a man fall in love or want to stick around. Chemistry and love does. Build that first before having sex.
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A
female
reader, Beile  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 Simply put,
Let the guys savour the main course (Personality etc) before the desert (Sexually)
If you give them the desert, they wouldn't feel like eating the Main Course any more.
When jumping into a relationship, you do not satisfy them with sex.
Wait till you really get to know them better. And perhaps sex after marriage would be a wise thing to do.
A trustworthy guy would be easily to be found if you set that type of boundary.
You would then know they are the one who would savour the real you, not physically.
As you would know that they love you enough to wait for sex after marriage.
Unlike those guys who date to simply fulfil their sexual desires, leaving afterwards to find a new meal.
They would just vanish after they are done.
And there's this saying about mindsets.
If you keep on thinking that way, where all men are shit. (So far you have encountered) you'll keep on meeting shitty men.
But if you change your mindset saying that there are really good men out there, you'll encounter one soon.
Just don't be easy, and look out for the nice guys perhaps.
And that, I would guarantee you would be able to find a Trustworthy man.
Good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Two things, your choice in men and how easy you are.
I don't mean easy in a pejorative "slut" sense I mean this "doing everything the guy could want".
What do you think we're going to do with that OP? You give us everything without us ever having to try then why would we bother trying? Women who make us work, women who are a challenge, women who make us earn our place in her heart and bed are the ones we want to be with, the ones we cherish because she's not easy. Not girls who just hand everything to us on a plate, where's the fun in that? You remove the satisfaction of the hunt, you give everything and ask for nothing return then you're not going to get it.
Girls who are too easy OP make us very wary of her because if she's easy with us then how easy was it for any other douche to bang her? You're kind of right in the respect that a lot of guys can't handle a girl who gave herself to so many guys so easily.
Then there is "your type" thing. It sounds to me like you like to date bad boy "playa" types. If there's a pattern of dating assholes Op it's because you either choose them or are too easily prone to falling for guys who show you the wrong kind of attention. You buy into a guys shit without ever having to make him prove himself.
Here's what I'd do if I were you. The easiest way to make a guy prove himself is to make him wait before you get sexual, make him wait as long as takes until you truly believe he's not going to be like the others. Guys only after sex won't wait that long, they'll start pressuring you, sweet talking you, trying to get you alone and try to emotionally blackmail you into doing so. Just refuse, stop being so easy, stop clinging onto guys so early and hold yourself back a bit.
Also take a long hard look at what attracts you to guys OP, the good and the bad things and see if you can see signs in the guys you go for that they're just about sex. Do they talk sexy really soon, do they comment your tits or ass, do they pay more attention to being intimate than they do about what you did that day or what your mom does for a living. It's very easy to tell if you spend the time making a guy wait.
Don't tar us all with the same brush OP, we're not all cheating lying, sex fiends but even a nice guy won't do shit unless you require him to do so. I consider myself fairly decent but if you allowed things to be just about sex and if you didn't make me respect you by making me prove myself then I have to say sex is probably all I'd want from you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 Hi
For a start you do not have to sleep with every guy you date. You need to spend ALOT longer getting to know them before you take it to that level.A decent genuine bloke who cares will wait, a low-life will vanish.
Don't give up on men, just focus on other stuff in your life without worrying about dating.When you do meet someone you like - take your time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): No NEVER give up on guys, being alone forever is worse than giving up on guys. I think if you do everything and are honest with him then there's no deisre to want anything from other girls expect if you met an asshole or serial cheater. One more time NEVER give up on guys/love.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): You're right, you're stereotyping. But understandable.
No, not all guys are like that. Yes many many are, but not all. Maybe you're dating the 'wrong' guys. It's a well known 'fact' that the bad guy gets the girl. A little frustrating for the slightly nicer guy like myself.
Please don't think that all men are cheats and pervs. Yes, guys will check out other girls - but that works the other way too don't forget.
Be open-minded, patient and allow yourself time. Soon a man who will love you will show up.
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