A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I found out my fiancé had been going to massage parlours for massages and 'hand relief'. This is what he told me at first. I found out as he hadn't deleted messages from his sent box, arranging time and what address he had to go to and what he wanted her to wear!! I naturally blew a gasket and although I knew I shouldn't have looked at his phone, something in my gut made me! He then a few days after I walked out admitted to having sex, a few days later admitted to kissing them but keeps saying he didn't give them oral!! He sought counselling and he says that as I used to gout with my friends to various events and sometimes stopped out he felt he wasn't in control of our relationship! He said no excuse but that was his reason. He categorically now states that he will never do this again and wants me back but says I can't keep bringing it up and I have to draw a line under it!! I know we have both been tested for stds and are clearbut we were trying for a baby so not using anything and he clearly didn't care for my health. I want to forgive him but am seriously struggling! Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): I agree with what everyone has said. This guy is completely sick. What he's done is unacceptable. My mum gave me some great advice once, she told me to always keep my dignity and self respect in a relationship with a man. If you stay with this guy, you're losing both of those things and allowing someone to cheat and lie - once a liar, always a liar. So cliche but, history has a habit of repeating itself.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (2 March 2011):
you can forgive him, but don't stay with him and don't have a baby with him unless you want this nightmare to never end.he's the one who keeps having sex with other women, actually planning it in advance and paying for it. He doesn't want you to leave him, but is dictating that you can't bring this up? WTF?? He's in complete control of the relationship, and of you and is using both to his own advantage. (do not have a kid with him or he will always be in your life while still having sex with other people)
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female
reader, apple2 +, writes (1 March 2011):
Leave him! My ex cheated on me while I was on holiday, I only found out because he had caught a STD (somehow he managed to twist it around so I felt guilty too). He had the STD, I didn't. I loved him and thought I could not live without him so I forgave him. I went on to have his daughter, but he did not change. In fact he reduced me to a nervous wreck during my pregnancy, I felt crazy all the time because I was wondering what he was doing and who he was doing it with, he told me all the time I was going crazy too. I lost all my self esteem and it was not till my girl was six months that I found the strength to leave him when I found out that he was cheating on me again (old habits die hard). The constant fear of STD's and the, “why does he do it” questions nearly sent me over the edge. Please don't have his baby, I love my daughter but it is so hard doing it alone. It is also hard to find another guy once you have had a baby to someone. My heart goes out to you, this must be so heartbreaking for you but trust me leaving him is better than a life of self torment like I went through wondering where he has been and what he is bringing home. Go and find someone who will love you.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (1 March 2011):
 hi
i know you want help to forgive him but i am sorry i cannot give you this help. because i don't think you should forgive him.
what he has done is appalling and he would have continued to do this if he hadn't been caught. and even then he has managed to turn it around to blame you, by saying he did not feel in control because you would go out with your friends.
not that it matters but has he actually said 'sorry'? of course he wants you to stop going on about it. he lied first of all that it was 'just' handjobs and then he admitted it was sex too.
i know you won't like my answer and i am sorry about that but rather than forgive and forget and get pregnant with him i really think you should get rid of him, he is definitely untrustworthy and does not even respect you enough to listen to the flack you want to give him for what he has done, just expects you to brush it aside like its nothing
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I agree with the advice so far, you can not possibly have a relationship with this man, if you want one of trust, unless he is willing to change massively and that could take a long long time, character traits like this are so embedded it takes a long time to get them out. Meanwhile you have a good life to live and do not need to be dragged down, unless you want to be this guys constant counsellor and feel continually disapointed and worthless.
Chances are things will not get better. He would need a lot of support to keep on the straight and narrow, are you willing to give him that? And how will you feel in 5 years time or if you have a child, it is not good for children to grow up in this sort of enviroment.
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (28 February 2011):
I think if you want to move forward in your relationship then you need address why he felt the need to see escorts. You don't just 'accidentally' do this, it was most likely planned very well and with a lot of forethought. What is it, he feels, that is missing from your relationship? Is it something you can provide? Is it something he has to change?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): You've gotten some great advice but I just want to stress stop the baby making right now. Start using contraception until you have this sorted out.
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female
reader, daniellea +, writes (28 February 2011):
seriously...if he loved you and wanted to be with you and only you, then he would not of done that to you. it will hurt,big time,and youll be heartbroken for a while, then you will find a nice,decent man who would never, ever do that to you. believe me when i say, you will never be able to forget what he has done to you,and you will ALWAYS bring it up.i hope you do the right thing!!x
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male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 "my fiancé had been going to massage parlours for massages and 'hand relief'." This is bad. "I found out" this is good."a few days after I walked out admitted to having sex, a few days later admitted to kissing them but keeps saying he didn't give them oral" I think he's either trying to 'come clean/confess' in the hopes you two can 'start over' or he's being mean by telling you these things after you've already left."he says that as I used to gout with my friends to various events and sometimes stopped out he felt he wasn't in control of our relationship" Sounds to me like some weird attempt to control you through guilt."we were trying for a baby" Trying for a baby and this is what he does? This is bad. I think you did the right thing to leave and I would stay gone."I want to forgive him but am seriously struggling!" I learned the hard way that forgiving someone does not mean you have to stay with that person. I think it's very healthy to forgive him when you are ready to. But I would definitely stay gone. I hope you find the strength you need to stay true to yourself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): He is making it sound like his outside activities are your fault like there was something in your behavior that was the cause of it. That is not the case and the truth is, he was probably going to these parlours all along, before he met you, and will continue to do so. There was nothing you could have done or changed to keep him from going and theres nothing you can do now to prevent it.
Decide if you can live with a man who will expose you to diseases through his consistent infidelities. He won't change so you'll have to decide if this is the kind or man you want or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): wow seriously you can do better than him i would leave him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): I know this might seem a bit harsh, but maybe finding out now before you got married is a blessing in disquise. When I married my hubby, he casually stated that he glanced at porn from time to time. After we were married, I realised he had a major addiction to porn, alcohol, and recreational drugs. I went to a marriage counselor who listened to me for 10 minutes and blantantly told me that he has too many addictions that I needed to leave and not look back. I thought she was insensitive in that she was not trying to help me work through my marriage issues. I've had two more counselors tell me the same. Now I wished I would have listened to them.I am currently married (for 10 years)we have 2 daughters. The porn addiction is still there and I really wished I would have left him during the 1st year of our marriage. I was too prideful to walk away. Now I see things for what they truly are and I have brought 2 kids into this one sided marriage. I guess what I am trying to say is that if he is going to these "parlors" aka prostitutes, it's only a matter of time before he will venture there again if the counseling he sought was to appease you and not that he truly admits he has a problem. My hubby is in denial that he has a problem because he "does not go to bars" and (as far as I know) "he does not cheat on me". That is how he justifies his behavior.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (28 February 2011):
 He wants you to not bring it up, yet he is begging your forgiveness?
He is the guilty party, yet you are feeling guilty.
You do not need this bullshit, and you would be doing your child a disservice if that were his father.
Your fiance is controlling, manipulative, and a piece of shit.
He is going to trap you in the relationship with this baby, and you will feel like you cannot get out.
You need to end it now and do not need to have a baby with someone that can't even make the simple commitment to a basic sexually monogomous relationship.
You are better off with out him. The soon you end it, the better off you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): I would be very wary of continuing this relationship. It is based on lies and mistrust. How long would this have continued if you had not found out? Now he wants to draw a line - of course he does. If you really feel there is something worth saving then give it a go but I would not committ to him or think of having a baby until you are totally sure this is all in the past and will never be repeated.
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