A
female
age
36-40,
*ictoriaseras
writes:Hi everyone,I've finally decided to ask for help anonymously about my situation as I am completely lost at what to do and perhaps even in how I am thinking. I'm 25year old woman in a serious relationship with another woman who is 22 for the last 5 years. Our relationship was from the start very strong. We fit eachother so well and always were a team. Our lives are so entangled with eachother now; my friends are her friends her friends are mine. We both still study at university me dentistry she journalism and still have a long way to go.We don't live together yet; we wanted to take things slow and get to know eachother over the few years that we were together. Our plan was to move in with eachother next year...But... The last 2 years have been bumpy due to peoples opinions on our relationship. Also her mom who isnt accepting her or our relationship causing us to meet secretly or at my house for 2 years long ( it was all very stressful ) I know that the stress from people around us that we loved and didnt accept us for who we were was very painful for our relationship causing us to completely depend on eachother. Hence the reason why we were such a strong team because we do everything together. It's also the reason why we don't have seperate lives and hardly live as individuals which I also think caused a huge bump into our relationship. I stepped into the relationship ( 5 years with a loving feeling for her after I just put closure to a painful break up a year before. I was in love with her but not as much as I was with the people I was before her. I do love her allot and over the years grew to love her very much. I was content and happy with this love and could seriously see a good future together, with kids ( she is a great person with kids ). We were both always very serious about everything.Untill...2 years ago we started to let the stress from outside with studies, peoples views on homosexuality and towards us being 2 woman in a relationship get to us. We started taking it out on eachother . We always communicated well but never changed our habbits except for a few things that changed like us maturing more. Everytime we argued we would talk it out apoligize and compromise but at the same time forget our lessons out of it and repeat the same arguments over and over again... It get's more complicated...I've had a friend who I met abroad and communicate with for years now ( over 5 years ) She and me speak almost everyday now through phone email and I hope that what I'm about to say does not make people judge me or how the hell that is possible but it just happened. But me and her started to love eachother too.. to the point where I actually feel in love again. More then I have ever been with anyone. She feels the same but tells me she respects my relationship and apologises for her bad timing to feel this way for me but she explained she is willing to wait untill I made a choice and willing to wait years if she must. I'm very confused now because I am with a woman for 5 years now serious relationship, things have gone bad 2 years now... and 7 months ago I developed intense passionate feelings for my years long friend. I love my current woman SO much.. it's love and I realise love can come in many different ways. What i feel for my friend is passion and I'ts fuel for what I know it takes to make something beautiful grow. I don't know what to do as this has been like this for months now... I love my gf but am in love and growing to love someone else after so many years. I don't think my gf deserves to go through pain at all, or to be left behind as she is an amazing person and perfect partner.. I been asking advice what to do and I get the same answers usually; "make a choice between the two" and I just can't for now and don't know what it takes to make me make that choice as I don't want to loose a friend in either both of them either. Especially my current gf who i love for years. Mainly too because she is such a big part of my life. I've also been told to not choose yet if i don't know who I want... but I feel if I don't undertake any action i will take people with emotions for granted and hurt people more. And besides I feel guilty when I kiss my gf and think of someone else, and vice versa towards my gf.. as she is such a wonder ful soul and beautiful honest loving caring person. I'm emotionally cheating on them both ... and i personally think that is worser then a one night stand. It is very hard for me to undertake any action as i don't know what to do or what to think as I am so confused about it all... another thought that haunts me is perhaps the thought that maybe after so many years in a relationship ( like people say ) the love changes. I'm not sure if thats what I'm going through... I've asked how she still feels for me and she says she's madly in love with me still and i can see that in her behaviour around me. My friend who declared her love for me, said that she realizes now she's always had a connection with me but due to her believing she would end up with a man made her always think and hope for that and now realizes that love isnt about which sex you end up with. She explained me she never felt so strong for a man or a woman. And doesn't really know why her feelings grew now. She also told me it hurts her to think about losing me or not having me as her partner one day. She said she's willing to move if things grow good between us.. ( I guess only time would tell with us ) The thing is I know what she says is what she feels as she has expressed herself even though the distance on such a sincere way. I know her too for very long and I know she would not lie or be confused about what she feels now for me. She does feel guilt as well for coming between a relationship for so long. Hence the reason why she says what ever choice you make i will respect it even if it will hurt her. With my current gf...I don't know what her reaction will be, I'm afraid if I tell her what is going on or if I break up with her that she will cut her contact with me for good. I don't know how I am going to deal with someone leaving me even as a friend after 5 years of so much love despite it might not be the love that she wanted. I do love her and the thought if loosing her as a friend over a choice that i will make is very big. Can some one advice me what to do and perhaps help me out of this maze with out judging the relationship on homophobic appeal but just advice me as a person. And perhaps give me tips how to approuch both woman especially my gf. Any advice i will greatly appriciate and be thankful for. J
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female
reader, victoriaseras +, writes (14 April 2011):
victoriaseras is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes she sounds like Ms Right that is true... And I have discussed things with her.. she's even willing to go as far as relationship therapy with me. She's doing everything with me to make it work... she's taking me out dressing up pretty giving flowers to me etc.. nothing works. The passion is not there for me despite I love her with all my heart. I often listen to woman who are just wishing for a man / instead a woman for me like I have. I know you are saying why bother what other people think ? If you are gay you would know that coming out of the closet ( like she had to do ) or not caring about what the world thinks isn't that easy most of the time. Despite of us in general not being people who care much about what people think. You can't always ignore everything. I don't think any human is capable of doing that.
A
male
reader, The13th_Floor  +, writes (3 March 2011):
Your girlfriend sounds like Ms's right, the girl abroad sounds like Ms's Rightnow. You have no clue what the outcome of the 'passion' you feel for this other girl will eventually lead to. Also, you're looking outside of your current relationship for guidance instead of discussing it with the beautiful person you already have. Why not just say to hell what other people think or say about your current relationship. Why are you letting them get involved? If you really love your current GF, I mean really love her, you should talk to her about how you feel.
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