A
female
age
30-35,
*arrisal
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and have a great relationship (given that every relationship has ups and downs at some point). I honestly believe that he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and we've talked about how he feels the same way about me. The problem is - I'm only 24. He's 33. The age difference has never bothered either of us. Recently, I've experienced some pretty major professional blows that I've been having issues getting past. All the while, the realization of our relationship has started to really hit me. I'm recognizing that while I want to ultimately be with him and I don't really want to be with anyone else, I'm scared pantless by the fact that he may be the last person I'll ever be with (apparently I've turned into a stereotypical groom....haha).I know that if I was out of school for good (I'm finishing up my MA and then looking to apply for a PhD program) these issues wouldn't be as noticeable and probably less stressful. But at 24 years old, I'm not ready to settle down yet. He has a job and a life in the city we're living in and is not receptive to the idea of moving. We've talked about if I have to leave for school and how he's not a huge fan of long-distance relationships, he knows that I need to do what I need to do for my professional goals. But he ultimately assumes I'll end up where he is and we'll start our life together then.I don't know how to tell him I'm scared of what's happening right now. I don't want to be mean and say "if you give me a few years and let me figure me out then I'll be back" because I know that isn't fair, but I also know that sounds like the most appealing option right now. How do I tell this person whom I love and care for and WANT as a major part of my life, that I'm having doubts about it right now? I don't want to break up with him but I don't know how I can live with these feelings. Any help would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 Look - if the idea of never being with anyone else scares you, and you dont want to settle down, then you are not ready to be in such a serious relationship right now. If he was really the right guy for you then none of this would scare you and you would be excited about a future with him.
I dont think the timing is right for this relationship, you are not emotionally ready and he is not quite the right guy. I think he is probably close to being the right guy, but not quite.
Take me for example - I am 24, I have just moved in with my boyfriend, and contrary to feeling scared etc I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, he is so right for me in every way and regardless of what happens in my life I want to be with him. I cant wait to get married, have kids..etc. I used to be such a career girl and it was the most important thing to me, but now I've met my boyfriend he is the most important thing and my priorities have totally changed.
That is how love should make you feel - it shouldnt make you feel scared, especially when you are not even making any comittments to each other at the moment! I would maybe understand more if he had asked you to move in, or to get married - but your relationship is carring on as normal yet you are getting a massive case of cold feet.
At the end of the day if the most appealing thing you can think of right now is being single, then that is what you have to do. You said yourself that the most appealing option to you is to go away for a few years and figure yourself out. So if that is what you need, then you have to listen to yourself and do it.
But as you rightly said, you cant make him wait, and aged 33 he definitely wont be waiting around for you to come back in a few years. So it would be breaking up for good, so you need to make sure that this is 100% the right thing to do.
There are plenty of guys out there, and you will meet someone else who you feel this strongly for - dont worry about that. There are hundreds of millions of people in America alone, so dont allow yourself to go down the route 'what if I never meet anyone as good as him again' etc. You will, I'm 100% sure of that.
I think you will really regret it if you stay with him, force these issues away and never really 'figure yourself out'. If you dont truly know who you are or what you want then sticking with a long term partner will ultimately lead to more problems. Further down the line, perhaps when you are married or living together these issues you have subdued for so long will come out and it will be far harder to get out of the relationship then.
Have a good long think about what you want, but what is screaming out to me is that you are scared of settling down with him, and that is not how you should feel about someone you really love and are sure is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): I see two different issues here.
There the obvious long-distance issue. But the fact that you are feeling squeamish about never dating anyone else, I think that is a different issue.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 I have seen people coming to university from a totally different continent, just a week after they got married and then they do long distance. Perhaps the leap of faith is what you need. If you are confident that he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with I won't be afraid to risk and propose to him.
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