A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I happen to be in a happy, committed relationship with a really nice man. No problems there. The problem is that I used to be in an LDR with a man about two years ago. After we met, I realised that we weren't compatible and that there was no way it would work out. He suffered (and suffers) from manic depression. It's very severe and makes him dysfunctional. I tried to tell him many times that it won't work but each time he'd say something like "I can't go on without you. Never leave me." or "I would have ended my life had it not been for you." and I'd hold back and not tell him anything. We gradually lost touch and stopped communicating with each other and I thought it was over. Now suddenly, out of the blue, he writes to me, telling me that he loves me and that he hadn't forgotten me at all. It was only his depression that made him close everyone out. He says he's still severely depressed and wants to begin writing to me again...and that he can't wait for us to be together again.I have suffered from severe clinical depression myself so I understand how a person feels when one's life seems hopeless and futile. I just don't know how to tell him that the relationship is over. What should I do? I don't want to push him back into the depths of his illness. He refuses medical treatment, by the way. I've tried arguing and persuading but I failed.P.S. He's 32 and I was his second girlfriend. His first girlfriend died when he was 18 and for 12 years after that, he mourned for her and did not date anybody. I think that's strange.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I have decided to write an email to him and tell him, as gently as I can. I think I'll tell him that I have ceased to feel that way about him and that the long period of zero-contact just helped me move on with life. That I'd always be there as a friend if he needs my help but I am not his girlfriend anymore. I'd also request him once again to seek professional help for his depression. I hope that will work. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that he won't do anything stupid.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 May 2012):
 "In the real world, no contact from you for a year means that the relationship as it was is over. Seek professional help you can't comprehend that basic fact. I would use the word 'ridiculous' but I don't want to cause you to do any self-harm. Whatever we had is over due to your lack of contact.
"Get counseling, get help, if you contact me again I won't respond. If you threaten self-harm I will call emergency authorities so they can treat you."
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (21 May 2012):
 Well, I've been in the same situation myself. ..except, I was the guy telling the girl I couldn't live without her. In the past, I was diagnosed with severe depression. When I finally found someone that seemed to accept me for who I was, I became clingy without realzing it. I also didn't know that I was pushing her away as well. One day she just up and left me. It was a real eye opener. I felt betrayed. Not by her but by myself. I felt that I was always caged by my emotions and whoever showed a bit of affection towards me, I drained them dry of it. That's when I started to change and pull myself out of my depression. That was over a year ago. Now I have more friends than I could count on my two hands. So much so I can't walk anywhere in work without someone calling my name or starting a conversation.My point is, I think you should just leave him. Show him that his actions are pushing people away. If he truly wants to change then he will. He will have to realize that his depression is getting in the way of him being happy (obviously) and that he needs help for it. I know you'll feel guilty about it but he is not your responsibility. He is a grown man and you can't allow him to emotionally trap you like this. The best thing for you to do is just write him a farewell note explaining why you feel the need to move on.If he truly understand then he'll know that he must seek help in order to cure his depression. I did. I was also suicidal. I have four failed attempts. One left permanent scars. I know what he's going through. But I also know what happiness feels like, only because I was tired of chasing people away. I wish you two the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCute Angel, after I met this man in real life, I realised he has gender confusion. He's like a woman in every way, except biologically. He didn't tell me that before. He's also asexual (while I'm a normal woman with an average sex drive). Though I love him tremendously as a friend, I never felt attracted to him because it made me feel like a lesbian. I am very straight, I'm afraid. I didn't decide to leave because of his depression. I have it myself and I would never leave anyone because of it. I thought not being in touch for more than a year would amount to breaking up. He would never call, never send a text message, an email or a letter. I do want to tell him honestly that I've moved on but I really care so deeply about him (not romantically) and I don't want him to try self harm again (like he has done before). I told my boyfriend about him and he gave me two options. He said I could either tell him the truth as gently as possible or ignore him completely so that he gets the message. I think he deserves to know the truth, while at the same time, I don't want anything to happen to him. This is such a dilemma. Thank you, agony aunts/uncles.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 May 2012):
He's trying emotional blackmail.
It's not your job to fix him by being in a relationship with him.
Just say, "Alas, Alan, I have to decline your offer to start up our old relationship. I have moved on. I wish you well, and I hope you get the medical care you need to be well. For my own health and well-being, it is best that I don't continue the relationship. I'm sure you will be fine when you get qualified help."
Then ignore anything that comes through from him. Be strong.
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (20 May 2012):
You have two options:
1) write him in a final letter that you're no longer available
2) don't respond (ignore him)
You don't have any responsibility for him. There has never been a real relationship between him and you.
The safe way would be to just ignore him. This way you won't shock him into a suicide attempt, which a rejection letter might cause.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 First off what's the reason that you broke up with this guy?u say he loves you,cares about you then what more could a girl want than a man to treat her like a princess..when men comes with baggage like that and their heart gets broken to mend it again will be difficult..because first off it takes them soo much to get out of the first,their hesistant to do it again and when they do,things don't work out and they have to go through the pain..so what the guy is going through is understandble but what I wld suggest is you make sure he gets help or anyone to talk to..if your happy with this other guy then u need to talk to the first one make it clear youur in love with this new guy and you want nothing but the best for this guy,and if he needs you as a friend you will be there for him..he's grown up man I'm sure he'l understand,it would be hard at first but eventually he will get the point..
Good luck x
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