A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years now. Last year we split up for about six months, as I was having serious doubts about our relationship and also - and this is not something I'm proud of - I had a brief fling with a guy I knew, which I finished because it wasn't helping me make my mind up about anything. It's not that I don't love my boyfriend: I do. He's kind, hard working and generous and I know he loves me. I appreciate those qualities so much. But the problem is, I'm just not attracted to him any more. Sex is rare, and usually instigated by me. Plus he's always had performance issues, which he still puts down to nerves - 9 years down the line!! I've honestly tried to be patient, but I do wish I was going out with someone who just WANTED me sometimes. He's also naturally a timid type and hates confrontation or the idea of inconveniencing anyone. Even to the extent that it's normally me who asks for the bill in restaurants! Also, I've paid the lion's share of bills over the years as his freelance income is so up and down, and while I didn't mind this at first I find I'm getting tired of it now. At 38 and 39 we have no children - he never wanted them, and also the sex issue obviously doesn't help - plus has never asked me to marry him. I think these are all reasons why I don't find him sexy any more, but at 38 maybe I should be focusing more on his good personal qualities. After all this time, is anything going to change? Should I end it or try to improve it? I know I am completely messing with his head. Your advice is much appreciated.
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female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (23 May 2012):
 I think this is a classic case of "I love him, but I'm not IN love with him." You've spent 9 years with this man, that's quite a big chunk of your life. He has become a regular part of it, someone you're used to having around as company, a lover, a friend, etc. Considering ending it now is without a doubt very difficult, and I truly feel for you.
You seem unsatisfied by your relationship, mentally, physically and financially, and not finding him attractive anymore is a big sign that he probably isn't the guy for you. You mentioned kids and marriage... are these things you want that you have put aside because he didn't want them?
My advice would be that you two talk about the many points you have listed here for us. Speak your mind, and let him speak his. Things may change for the better, and you may be able to rekindle the romance in your relationship. If, however, you two discover you want different things, I think you owe it to yourself to let him go and find someone who's more or less on the same page as you.
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