A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, thanks for reading!Im not sure how to approach this - i basically need to talk to my boyfriend about being more in contact. We are doing a long distance relationship at the moment and everything was fine (we were skyping a few times a week, texting everyday, voice notes and sometimes phone calls) until a couple of weeks ago when he pretty much stopped most of it. We still txt every day but barely. I know he hasn't gone off me because he booked a ticket to come surprise me next week, but it's like he isn't bothered about making the effort. For me i find it really important as i want us involved in each others lives, and i miss him otherwise - and i'm used to it that way. He's unemployed at the moment which doesn't help as he has no routine - basically sleeps a lot and plays playstation etc - so it's really tough to know when he is available to chat anymore.I don't want to seem needy or nagging when i approach the issues - and i don't want him to feel attacked... but i need to speak to him about this when we meet next week, face to face, because otherwise i don't feel i can continue with him this way if he doesn't get understand that this contact is important to me. I don't want to lose him so I'm bit worried and anxious about the whole thing… How do i tell him so he understands?Any advice/help would be useful thanks
View related questions:
long distance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers!
So_Very_Confused that's really useful as you and your husband actually made it, so good to know that at some point you talked to him about this similar issue and that you got through it…like you said hopefully with compromise it can happen.
He can't come here as his passport doesn't allow him too, he can't work or live in many places at all except where hes from (i know this as i have the same passport as him but luckily grew up in london) and that's also another issue why he's not finding a job, visa stories etc, he might be a bit depressed too to be honest…
Im hoping the chat we have will bring us closer, I will try to approach it the best i can - either he won't understand or he will be willing to compromise!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 LDRS are hard.
they need time
they need money (on both ends not just one partner)
they need commitment
they need communication
and most importantly they need an END in SIGHT.
I met my now husband in 2009
WE decided to start an LDR in December of 2010
We were close enough that by April of 2011 we were together every weekend. I did the traveling but he footed a lot of the bills (driving)
Once we got serious I realized that I needed more contact from him than I currently was getting. I wanted daily contact. He could go a week or more without it.
So I talked to him about it. I told him I needed more. He told me he did not and I asked him if we could compromise. We did. I called him every morning at 8 am to wake him and say good morning (his request) and I called him every night once i got into bed to say good night.
The morning call lasted all of 30 seconds. He is NOT a morning person. The bedtime call could be anywhere from 1 minute to 2 hours depending on our day. I did not care about the length I just wanted a daily check in.
Some days all we had were two brief phone calls. Some days he would call me every two hours (he was not a texter at the time)
So you need to tell him what you want... and you need to figure out where you two are going and when.
Why is he not moving to be with you if he has no job that ties him to his locale?
...............................
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 Your not nagging him at all. You have a right to know whats going on.Also, he games and sleeps? He should be available all the time. Its not like he has something better to do. Even playing a game, he can still chat to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): I don't know how far you both are distance wise? But you could suggest calling or skyping each other every night before going to bed?
It's important to keep the communication going even while in a long distance relationship. Touching base every night and telling each other how the day went is good, and so is ending every night hearing each other's voice.
Try it.. That might work! Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 June 2016):
 I don't think you are nagging by telling him you miss the contact and that it went from 100 to 0 real fast and that worries you a bit. That you feel he isn't putting in as much effort as he used to.
IF you think you would lose him by bringing it up... how solid is that relationship?
I would ASK him what he thinks is a reasonable amount of contact and then "negotiate" a middle-ground you can both be comfortable with. If he can be in the playstation he can facetime/skype too. And since HE doesn't have a job, he OUGHT to be flexible to work around YOUR schedule. Now you might not want to tell him this in THAT way. You might say can we make a schedule that works for both of us and stick to that as best we can?
Could it be he is a little "off-kilter" by the fact that he is unemployed? That maybe he is a bit depressed over it? I mean I can't imagine a guy in his 30's being OK with sleeping all day and gaming all night... most people have bills that needs paid etc.
Talk to him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): I think youre asking the wrong questions. You should be asking :
1) Why am I with someone unemployed who just play video- games all day long?
2) Why am I with someone long-distance who barely makes an effort to see me, especially these past few weeks?
3) Why am I even doing long-distance when my love language is touch and quality time together?
Think real hard on those questions. everything youve just said are red flags. When a guy disappears for a while, he is usually interested in someone else. The fact that he is far away makes things all more complicated. Break it off and find someone local. Good luck
...............................
|
