A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not very experienced with boys. The guy I'm seeing now, when we started off, really really acted as though it wasn't just a casual thing. He wanted to be my boyfriend. but then he changed his mind because he is leaving uni at the end of the year so didn't feel able to make a commitment. This is understandable but obviously i felt led on, as he himself had said that when it all started he did want it to go somewhere.Anyway after that blip we carried on seeing each other and i knew where i stood. He cared about me but we couldnt commit... although we are exclusive.Anyway, since then, kind of understandably but also kind of irrationally, i have been a bit of a worrier and kind of bottle up these nonsensical worries for a while then suddenly pile it all out on him which, as he says, "exasperates" him. I know that if i keep bothering about every little thing he is going to get fed up of me completely and end it..In fact, when we left uni for Easter i kind of accused him of not wanting to see me to say bye even though i didn't exactly ask him either...He's still talking to me but im planning to give him space for a while to become less exasperated with me and then slowly build back up to be a more solid carefree non worrying person by the time we go back to uni after easter!soo what im wondering is whats the best way to go about this... i feel i should probably cool it for a while, let him get in touch with me, but its hard when all i want to do is make things right, i feel like i need to talk to him to do that! how can i stop myself over-analyzing and worrying so much, i can just see how frustrating and annoying it must be but somehow i cant stop myself!Typical worries are: he sent me such a short text! he hasn't spoken to me today! He hasnt mentioned seeing me for ages! etc etc etc. i know it sounds pathetic but when you're living it you cant help feeling that they're all building up to spell DISASTER. however i would really like to get a positive more normal and less neurotic mindset about all of this as i am aware of how ridiculous it is if i rise out my over analyzing long enough to really look at myself!So how do i do it?Keep busy?Contact him?Not contact him?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (21 March 2011):
 So the guy tells you he wants a relationship, then says he can't commit to one, but you are exclusive, just not his girlfriend, then gets "exhasperated" when you become insecure about his feelings? Surely that's a little off?
The reason you feel so anxious is because this guy isn't offering you any security. I think you're being way to hard on yourself! If you think about it, the guy has changed his mind and messed you around and somehow you're left feeling like you need to change, be a different person.It's all on his terms. What about what you want? Did you want him to be your boyfriend? Is that really what you still want? If so, painful as it is, it might be time to walk away, because you may never get what you want from this guy. You have a say in this too, and he can't have you all to himself when it suits him.
We all get neurotic, but that doesn't mean you're crazy. You're unsure how this guy feels so you naturally worry about things like how often he texts, because things like that are your only sources of information about how he's feeling. Be nice to yourself! Decide if it's really what you want.
If you can genuinely get on board with the casual, not being his girlfriend thing, then you'll be more casual about his texts and his behaviour naturally. Because if you're casual about someone, your casual. If that doesn't come over time, then it's not working for you I'm afraid. You're right to step away from the situation for a while. But not to give him space, to give you some!
Have a think, hope things improve.
|
