A
female
age
41-50,
*owardlyndsey
writes:I have been in an mostly emotional- sometimes physically abusive relationship for 7 years. We have 3 kids together- I have left this man at least once a year b/c I get to the point where I am so sick of being called a b____ and fat____ or dumb or other put downs. The problem has been that I leave with the kids and life is great for a week or two, and then my kids and I start missing the good things about him and I get lonely and go back to him. I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't want to live like this! How do I stay gone from him once I'm gone???? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, elsie  +, writes (4 September 2008):
 im going through exactly the same thing as you.really you can only go when you are ready.remember though that the longer we stay the more they damage you and bring you down and every day is wasted living with the burden of worry.in the end its the kids that suffer the most because they feel helpless.we are the adults and its only us that can take action.get out of this suffocating relationship.yes ofcourse it will hurt but take comfort that is NORMAL and will pass.say each time you weaken,NO.go somewhere quiet and recall a time when he was abusing you.play it over and over and you may be surprised how much it helps to strengthen your resolve.good luck.
A
female
reader, abbeymom  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 You get the strength to stay gone by getting up everyday, looking at your kids, but mostly yourself and saying to yourself (okay strange but aloud)"I'm beautiful... I deserve to be loved... I don't deserve to be treated this way... I deserve respect... I want respect... and I need it. My kids deserve love and they need it... I don't want them to see this is how love is..."Say it enough you'll begin to believe it. In order to be loved you have to love yourself, that I learned the hard way as I shared with you. It's a long process but one worth fighting for.When times got hard and I began missing my ex, before meeting my husband. I'd hang up. I wouldn't talk to him. I got rid of everything reminding me of him. I knew what path I was on and stuck to it. You can too. Surround yourself with people who support you and people who strange as it might sound not put him down. Because then you will begin to "feel sorry for him" and defend him which brings up the happy times making you forget the horrible times and mistreatment he's caused upon you.Come here and talk. Ask your question and get help if you need through a woman's shelter or organization. You'd be amazed how good it feels to ban with other women in the same situation and how much stronger you will feel.Let us know how you are doing...Wish you well~ Abbeymom
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A
female
reader, howardlyndsey +, writes (27 August 2008):
howardlyndsey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you oh ever so much to you all for taking the time to give your advice and encouraging words. I will take them to heart and pray for the strength I need to be done with this man. Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, abbeymom +, writes (27 August 2008):
You know it's not easy when you spend so much time in what you think is a loving for the most of the time relationship. My ex husband was abusive physically and emotionally for years. So I know where you are coming from.
I hated him and yet when apart I thought of him in a good light and missed him. But I didn't realize until later after I left for good with our son that destructive behavior becomes so natural and habitual you don't even realize there is anything wrong with it.
Stay gone. Don't worry about the kids they will be fine. In the start it will be hard. Concentrate on being a good mother, take time for yourself to discover who you are what you want. When the kids miss him, tell them it's okay to miss him. You miss him too but it's better if mommy and daddy are just friends and apart.
Keeping your children in such a destructive environment will only teach them that this behavior is alright when it's not. I'm sure you don't want you kids growing up seeing this is how loving and caring relationships are to be enjoyed.
When I finally was on my own I enjoyed the sense of stability I didn't get with my ex. The lack of fighting and I discovered who I was. I eventually met and married my now husband who showed me I wasn't really being loved nor was I loving properly, and how a true loving relationship should be.
My son who is now 9 sometimes still gets sad his father and I aren't together. But I know I made the right decision because he sees love in a new way that isn't destructive.
All is not lost either. If you husband is willing to get help. To go to counseling or church pastor or somewhere with you to talk openly about the abuse you both have been doing. I say that because one things I realized is that I had to take responsibility for my own behavior too.
He might have hit me. He might have called me fat. He was mean to me. But I let him do it. He wasn't all at fault.
Then get the help you need. But you can live apart while this process is happening and perhaps you can both heal and learn that loving each other is not meant to be mean or nasty or abusive, and that your children deserve two parents who can communicate in a more effective way whether together or not.
Good Luck!
~ Abbeymom
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A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother +, writes (27 August 2008):
 What are the good things about him? You haven't mentioned one; only negatives. Do the positive things really outweigh living a life of verbal and physical abuse? The fact that you leave him at least once a year tells me not.
The answer is you leave and you never go back, it's as simple and as difficult as that. There are bound to be good things that you remember but you must also keep in mind the reasons why you have left. You have to be very strong, for you and for your children. I believe once they are older they will respect you for your decision too. The relationship you have with your partner is surely not the model you would wish your children to follow?
Best wishes and good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (27 August 2008):
 I've been there in the past...I'm angry and think..thats it I'm leaving the monster forever then when the initial anger wears off I start to wonder what I'm going to do without him and slowly begin to forget the nasty things that he's said. And of course they are so so sorry...and it will never happen again, even get tears sometimes.
But...its only right for a few days then its bad again.
If he dont respect you now after having his kids he never will, and If you keep going back despite this crap treatment, you are giving him license to treat you how he wants.
I bet all your family and friends dislike this man too...am I right?
A lot of women would not stand to be called a single name by their partner before heading for the door...so their men never cross that line.
People will treat you as badly as you let them get away with.
You deserve to be loved and respected and there is a man out there who will be honoured to do it...and your man will unfortunatly move on to his next victim, until she gets wise to his bullying ways too.
I hope you find the strength to do whats best for you and your kids and the drama stops. And if you do leave for good you will not be lonely for long, just choose more wisely next time.
good luck girl
x
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A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (27 August 2008):
 the best thing you can do for yourself is to read books on verbal abuse and men who hate women. There are hundreds and many are good, look up authors Patricia Evans and Melodie Beattie. Start finding how to focus on feeling good about yourself and your life. Work on your inner self worth and self awareness about abuse, and the losing this abusor will eventually happen in your life. Best wishes for the loving, caring relationship you deserve.
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