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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys, For years I haven’t been really satisfied with the relationships I’ve had with some people. I had very low self-esteem and have learned certain behaviors as a child that led me to letting some people treat me with less respect than I deserve. I started seeing a shrink a couple of years ago and I made progress, but it is still difficult for me to say “no” to some people or tell them what I need and expect from them.People are used that I am always there for them and they never wonder if what they’re asking is ok or not. It could be something very practical – helping out with organizing a party, or it could be that they just want me to listen to their problems. I like to help, but I cannot leave whatever it is that I’m doing to do so, and I used to let them believe that I can, which is no longer the case. I was never happy with how I behaved, but I simply wanted to be what my mother thought me a good person should be. Unfortunately, this led me to having very one-sided relationships. So, how do I set boundaries without creating conflict, or how do I manage that conflict if my friends (or family) want to create it?Here's some background. First example. One of my long-time friends can be very selfish, because I let her. I see her with other people, people she is close too but doesn’t take for granted and she is a completely different person. I’d like her to treat me the way she treats them. She keeps treating me like a “sister” (her words), which means that she calls only when she needs something (usually to vent about work or talk about the most recent crush), she does things even though I ask her not to (stupid things like eat all the ice-cream I made for my kids, when she popped by). My shrink, at some point, advised me that for the time being I stop being available to her. I wouldn’t pick up every time she called (especially after midnight). I wouldn’t text back after she would text me about how upset she was. If she kept talking endlessly about herself, I’d tell her that I had to go – oddly enough that is when she would politely ask how I was doing, if I was to fall into that trap, she would soon find a way to turn the conversation back to herself. So I stopped falling for that. However, as she is alone, she tends to ask to spend holidays with my family and I do not want that anymore. I’m not saying I’ll never want that, but I need to see if our relationship can change before I let her stay with us.Here’s another example. One of my cousins is used to asking me for help. Whenever she needs a place to stay in the city I live in, I would be the first one she calls (and this has been happening for years!). Whenever she needs some help with her work, I’d be the first one she asks. I don’t think that I’m the best there is, she just feels no stress asking me, whereas she would, if she were to ask anybody else. Like the friend I mentioned, she takes my friendship for granted. And, again, it is my responsibility, because I let her. She too treats people she admires with respect and would never try to use them. The last time she asked if she could stay with me, I refused. I didn’t want to be treated like a hotel. She would sleep at my place and then run around seeing other people. Sometimes we wouldn’t even have time to have a coffee together. Instead of accepting my “no”, she started “interrogating” me why not. When I wouldn’t budge, she had to find another place to stay. I told her that I’d like to have her over for dinner, but that she cannot stay at my place. When she came for dinner, she came with her suitcase (which I found odd) and stayed too late, missing the last bus. So she had to sleep over. When the following morning she tried to convince me that she should leave her stuff and stay, she, again, wouldn’t accept my “no”. She kept looking for a “good reason”, like someone else staying over. My “no” wasn’t good enough. I wouldn’t budge and later heard from some mutual friends that my cousin was stunned with my behavior.I know that the way they behaved is my responsibility because I let them. It hurts me that sometimes when I behave the way I really want to, unused to me doing what is best for myself, they tend to “blame” my husband, is if he were the difficult one. I have NEVER led them to believe so. I’ve never lied that it’s my husband who doesn’t want something. But they are so used to me behaving one way that it is hard for them to accept that I have really changed. So, is there a way to make friendships and family relationships evolve or will I have to simply move on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): You expect them to change their behaviour without actually telling them what it is they are doing wrong . Yes I agree have boundaries but please when your cousin was looking for a reason give her one .. she treats you like a hotel without having to pay anything. You have had enough when she couldn't even manage a coffee to busy seeing other people who won't let her stay over . Your not doir mat .
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 October 2019):
 What you are asking is HOW do I change other people in how they act with me.
The fast answer is YOU can't.
The answer is YOU need to be the one making changes. Like your therapist said, YOU need to change HOW YOU react when they do things you rather they don't. Either you have to "woman up" and STAND up for yourself, that means saying no when you DO NOT want to do things for others, if don't have the time - IT will get easier to say no, once you ACTUALLY get started. And there are so many way TO say no, like "I'm sorry I really don't have the time to do XYZ", "I have other plans that day", etc.
And LIKE you therapist said, if your friend goes on and on and on about herself and her problems CUT the conversation short. NO matter IF she changes the subject. OR change the subject.
The likelihood that others will change how they treat you after YEARS of you having accepted certain behaviors is just unrealistic, that is why YOU need to change HOW you react to behavior you do not like.
Your friend is NOT going to treat you like the other friends instantaneously, it will take time for you BOTH to adapt to the changes YOU make. Like, when she asks to join your family for holidays, Tell her, not this year. Or do a "preemptive Hey, A "this year it will be family only." If she complains or keep asking BE firm.
As for family (like you cousin) if she asks, can I come stay at your place, say no it doesn't work for me that week (or whatever time period) Though, if you have the room, I really don't see the issue, it seems that you are MORE upset that she will stay at yours but not want to HANG with you, just sleep there. But if you don't WANT that YOU need to be the one saying no. And if she keep ASKING just keep saying no. OR get off the phone. WHO cares if your cousin is "stunned" at your behavior? Tough cookies!
YOU CAN NOT PLEASE everyone all the time. And saying YES, when you really want to say no, is silly.
THAT ONLY one who can TAKE control and make changes IS YOU.
LISTEN to your therapist here and FOLLOW her directions. If people get upset that you all of a sudden has a backbone, THAT is on them... Most will get over it.
And once you are able to say no without thinking much about it, you will be able to have the conversation with friends about things you are less happy with in the friendships. YOU definitely DO not need to pick up after 10 pm if a friend calls. And there is nothing wrong in telling a friend that you are setting a "curfew" on your phone. Cutting down on using tech after certain hours is just SMART, anyways.
And don't forget CHANGE takes time. You are still leaning to say no. They will LEARN to accept the "new you" but it will ALSO take time, you can't just snap your fingers and expect the world around you to jump or understand you new boundaries. This is NOT going to happen overnight.
YOU will have to do the MAJORITY of the work. You might think, but that is unfair! Well, YOU are the one who wants things to change!
Small steps, OP YOU can do it.
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