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How do I politely tell my man to man up, and how do I tell my future mother-in-law, politely, to stay out of our affairs and not to interfere in our plans?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2011) 7 Answers - (Newest, 2 September 2011)
A female Malaysia age 30-35, *viendha writes:

Hi everyone. I need some advice on how to deal with a domineering future mother-in-law. I have been in a relationship with my guy for the past 5 years, who just graduated and is now working. It is not my intention to marry now as I am still studying. Our original plan was to marry in 3 years time to allow ourselves some time to build our careers and wealth. My man is a mommy’s boy, and he’ll go to any length to please her. His mom will do anything to get her way, and she will sulk, throw tantrums and not eat until she gets what she wants. She is currently emotionally blackmailing her son into forcing me into a marriage asap. She is not talking to him, not eating, and generally throwing her anger on anyone she meets. My man is unable to do anything, and he came crying to me about how he is unable to handle this situation, saying stuff like if he doesn’t get to marry me, he’ll commit suicide, he is unable to live without me, etc. This is not the first time that this problem is happening, but I don’t think I can tolerate this farce any longer, considering the fact that i’m supposed to live with his mom and dad if I marry him. So how do I politely tell my man to man up, and how do I tell my future mother-in-law, politely, to stay out of our affairs and not to interfere in our plans? I am still with my man as I am still in love with him. He is a nice guy despite not being able to stand up for himself. If I allow this emotional blackmail to succeed, there’s no telling what she will do next to get her way.

View related questions: affair, emotional blackmail

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A female reader, aviendha Malaysia +, writes (2 September 2011):

aviendha is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your answers. I really hope something good will come out of this..

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A female reader, cheers Indonesia +, writes (1 September 2011):

cheers agony auntHi,Avienda. I understand your points.

Tell your future MIL face to face that you'd made a decision that you want to finish the study. It's important as it'll be a dream comes true which make yourself very proud. You get prospective job in future & better salary,of course. MIL will definitely proud.

Should any plans/decision in future CAN'T INTERVENE in between study untill you graduate. You really want him to support& respect it,no matter what happens. Do you get it, MIL? swear pls?

Pls update.Thanks

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A female reader, aviendha Malaysia +, writes (1 September 2011):

aviendha is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My real reasons for not marrying him? Firstly, it is because i would like to complete my studies, with no distractions. I do not want anyone else interfering with my studies. Secondly, i do not know how to describe this feeling, but it is like my gut telling me that this marriage is gonna be trouble. This is not the first time his mom is behaving this way, and ths is also not the first time that my man stood by his mom instead of me. I still love him, but i wanna know how much further can he stand up for me. I know he is trying, but his mom always tries to interfere in all his decision-making, up to a point that he is unable to make decisions for himself. It is so sad to watch that at times i wonder what in the world am i doing being with him. I also fear that if i marry him, his mom will start controlling me. I know i can stand up to my future MIL, but things will be difficult if she affects my man and he starts getting to me instead.

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A female reader, aviendha Malaysia +, writes (31 August 2011):

aviendha is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hi..thanks for the answers..i am trying my level best to remain calm..my future MIL has not directly spoken with me about this matter so far, she is still giving hints through her son..

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A female reader, cheers Indonesia +, writes (31 August 2011):

cheers agony auntIf you still want to be together, you've to learn to accept the fact that he won't able to stand on your side in future. but not means,he doesn't love you. You just need to tolerate more & be a patient person. Can you do that?

What's your real concern not to marry now?

Pls make sure both of you stay at different House. Pls don't stay together with his mom,no matter what reasons if they persuade.

Bit situation he's mom boy and he respect his Mom. However she's not understanding person as a good mother in law should do.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (31 August 2011):

RedAthena agony auntWhoa.

I was married to a Momma's boy for a LONG time. I have battle wounds from Mother in Law wars.

Your man and your possible future MIL are emotionally manipulative.

So, what do you say? Just what you shared here, but with more clarifcation.

Name your dealbreakers now.

*You will not tolerate his emotional farce and blackmail/suicide claims. Personally, that is enough for me to insist on some counseling for him.

*You will not live with his family. It is either your own place, or forget it. Make clear that will NEVER change.

*You will not tolerate his Mom interferring in your life, your couple life, or any future life that may or may not include kids. She will need to behave like an invited guest in your home and treat you with respect. Nothing less will do.

If he can not stand up for himself towards her, do NOT come to his defense. It is his relationship. If he will not stand up for you, make sure you tell him that you will stand up for yourself and it may not be pretty.

As for his Mother, if she confronts YOU directly do stand up for yourself. If she is merely talking about you, through your man trying to manipulate him you talk to HIM.

If he keeps giving into her selfish demands and dramatics-ask him what is he avoiding by telling her the truth or telling her to stop. (Telling, not asking)

Overall, you just lay it all out for your man that if you do not see him standing up for himself and your relationship that he will lose your respect, your patience and eventually...YOU.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

This is a red flag in my opinion.

He will always be a mommy's boy. The only thing that marrying him will change is the mommy. His mum wants you to hurry up and adopt him.

He may be a nice guy and have many redeeming qualities but I can promise you you will spend the rest of your life raising this man.

My advice is get out now while you can. Failing that stick to your guns and remain calm. Let them fall apart, not eat, screech, cry and carry on. Just don't be around them when they're doing it and you'll be fine.

A friend of mine had a mother in law just like this one. She was peeved about something one day, made a scene then pouted on the front porch. My friend went about her business while the mother in law sulked. Eventually she saw it got her nowhere and and she began to smarten up. They never really totally change though. The most you can hope for is an improvement. What matters is that they aren't in your hair and YOU get what YOU want.

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