A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I joined match.com, and I'm a little dispondant.I'm divorced, I was treated badly by my ex who was emotionally and physically abusive to me, and after trying everything I had to leave for my own safety.I have ticked the divorced box, as the only other option is 'never married' and I don't want to lie.So many of the women on there specify that they only want to meet someone who has never been married. I feel as if my ex is haunting me even though I have worked so hard to put that episode of my life completely behind me. There are no kids or any other concerns, It's just the pastI don't mind talking about my past but I don't think about it at all unless I'm asked and worked hard for that - I don't understand why it should then worry someone else so much.I don't want to be alone forever, and would never consider a new wife my second wife, If I ever let someone that close to me again, I'll be very very sure and will love her more than anything.What can I do to overcome this and get across that I'm not some kind of damaged goods?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): People are afraid of the statistic which says that once you are divorced you are more likely to get divorced again. However, the upside is that - if you are the type of person who learns from your mistakes - you learned what NOT to do. I have been married for 19 years now. I am not planning on getting a divorce, but if I did I think I would be a better husband to my second wife than to my current wife as I am a better husband now than I was 19 years ago and there is damage I did to our marriage then (no, not cheating!) that I would never repeat. I am sure there is a special woman out there who realizes that a man who has been in a marriage understands exactly what that commitment is about and can turn that into a strength.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): You are being honest about who you are and as long as you don't go on about your ex I think someone will want to meet you. Maybe get some advice about other things you've put on your profile - ask a friend - as it could be some other reason. It's all hit and miss anyway with these sites. Could you open up possibilities of meeting someone without it being on a site? Easier to meet rgularly that way than long distance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): I think one of the nicest lines you wrote is "I wouldn't think of my new wife as my second wife". A lot of divorced guys have a lot of baggage - one I know used to tell his dates about the breastfeeding habits of his son from his first marriage! What a turnoff! I agree that if you can manage to meet people in other ways so there are no boxes you have to tick and you don't have to lie either, they can form an impression of you before they find out about the "divorced" bit and those that still have a problem with that after meeting you and interacting with you are probably not destined to be your new love anyway, I think. Good luck out there.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 Maybe try a few different sites, they could be set-up differently.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 April 2011):
 Dating sites are a numbers game. Unlike in real life, a person can quickly compare hundreds of people to their 500-point checklist, cross off anyone who doesn't meet all criteria perfectly, and still have leftovers. It's kind of dehumanizing, if you ask me. But don't take it personally.
You'd be better off trying to meet people in real life. Take some night classes, join a biking club, see if your friends will set you up with women they know, or even just go to a bar, coffee shop, or bookstore and talk to strangers. You'll get shot down there, too, but it will be because of the impression you made, not because you didn't meet some arcane checklist - and you can always improve your first impression.
People you meet in real life actually have to get somewhat emotionally attached to you before they start comparing your attributes to their list. They are more likely to make exceptions. You talk to someone in real life, rather than just over the internet, and they are far more likely to treat you as a human being than as a collection of traits. I know it's tough, especialyl after a bad divorce, but it's worth the effort.
Don't bring up the divorce until asked. Even then, if it gets mentioned too early, just say the bare fact that you were divorced and explain that you don't want to talk about it yet.
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A
female
reader, mima  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 Hi,Yes, most women would get scared because they don't know what led to the breakage of your first marriage and are scared it might happen to them. It shows you are an honest man by ticking that box. Don't worry yourself, unless if you are bent on getting a partner through "match.com"Your missing piece is definately somewhere living and would find you at the right time. Just keep being true and have fun on match.com with the ones that don't see the negative with 'divorced'.Good luck.
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