A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I really need help. My husband and I broke up a few years ago. He now wants to give it a go at fixing things. He wants us to be a family. I've always wanted this and we have given it a go before but he changed his mind and left. Now he said he wants to fix things but wants to do it slowly as he doesn't want it to be another failed attempt. The only problem is he wants everything but isn't sure the sex part will ever happen. Although he hopes it does. The reason he has this problem is because in the past I was verbally abusive and said a lot of bad things to him when it came to the sex department. I'm willing to live without the sex because I love him so much that I don't care if we never have sex again. I just want us to be a family too. Who knows maybe if we're together over time the sex thing will sort itself out. But in the mean time how do I make him feel comfortable with me in that department without being pushy as I do not want to scare him off? Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYouwish thank you for taking the time to answer me. I do understand your point. I have learnt to control myself now and when I feel annoyed I just walk out to calm down or count to 10. There wasn't any cheating. I was abused emotionally by his father and because my husband didn't defend me because he wanted to keep the peace, I ended up resenting him. I lost respect for him and when overboard with my reaction to it. I myself was very hurt at the time, but that doesn't excuse my behaviour and I truly feel ashamed. My husband and I have gone through him hating me to now wanting us to be a family. I suspect that's more to do with him wanting to be around the kids. Although I've never ever stopped him from seeing them. I fact he has been up nearly everyday since he left. He's very family orientated and so am I. I know we can never go back and we can only go forward. I hope in time I can prove to him I am different now. I know I'm not perfect, but I do try. I haven't verbally abused hi since the first time he left, which was 8 years ago. I think he does trust me now but I guess at the back of his mind he'll always worry my old self will come back. I hope in time he will truly be able to know how much I adore him.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 September 2015):
 I'm glad you two are willing to give it a go and fix things in your relationship. That's a good thing.
From reading what you said, it sounds like because in the past, you have deliberately said things to him with the sole purpose of trying to hurt him as much as possible, lingering pain exists on his end, because of what you said, right? In fact, what you said to him at the time hurt him so much that he's unwilling to reconnect sexually with you because of the lingering effects of your words. Do I have it??
Here are my thoughts. I like to number the thoughts so that they're easier for you to read, and easier for me to organize and sort out. I haven't heard from other aunts or other OP's that I annoy the hell out of them for numbering them, so I hope I don't annoy you.
Here goes:
1. If you've ever rebuilt a condemned house or restored an old car from the engine out, you know that even the slightest bit of corrosion, rot, or rut can blow the thing wide open and ruin the best made plans. It is the same with your marriage. You can't gloss over any words said in hurt, any actions taken in anger, or anything that may hinder the rebuilding process.
2. This means that you two will need to go to a counselor and face those words you said to him. He needs to get it out into the open and deal with the pain you caused him as well as the residual emotional scar tissue. You will have to show why you didn't mean what you said, and that even considering hurting him in that fashion ever again is horrifying to you in a way that you never ever want to hurt him that way again.
3. You and he can not go into this looking to restore the relationship or marriage to the way it was. If you have that mindset, you might as well end it now, because you can't unscramble an egg. You can't turn back history, and you can't take back words. What you need to do is build something NEW from the ashes of what was.
4. Sex *is* a vital part of a marriage. I'm not saying everyone has to do it twice a day like rabbits, and I understand physical limitations (my uncle was a paraplegic, and while he was alive, he and my aunt loved each other completely even though he could never have conventional sex). But the desire to connect completely, intimately, and fully has to be a part of a good marriage. It may take time to not only tell him in front of a counselor, but to prove to him that the wife who said all of those hideous hurtful things is dead, and that you are the wife who not only abhors using words to try and hurt and tear down people, but has renounced that part of yourself forever.
5. Think about it... This means that you can't tell yourself that you've "sorted" that behavior. You have to live knowing that the temptation to tap into that will exist every time your husband pisses you off, and that you have short-circuited the very will to strike out at him in that way. That doesn't mean you roll over and take any abuse, but simply that you will never abuse again.
6. You and he have to take the time to learn how to communicate during an argument, or history will repeat itself. A good counselor will give you homework, exercises on what to do if you feel yourselves go out of control.
7. You say that you've tried and failed before? Was there cheating happening in this relationship? Did you cheat on him and then blame his physical shortcomings as the reason why you cheated? Did he do that? You need to face any infidelity, no matter how great or small. You need to face any disloyalty, no matter how justified either of you think it was. Take the marriage apart, wash away ALL the corrosion, all the resentments, all the old broken records and repeating patterns, leave no sacred cows or subjects that are "hands-off".
8. This can't be one person paying penance and the other nursing old grudges, on either side. That means any past cheating or any past hurtful words. Both sides must be fully committed to change. That means you AND him. He can't be saying "Let's fix this" while at the same time withholding sex because of something you said in the past. Otherwise, it *is* no fix. It's only him sitting back to see if YOU can try to change without reverting to old patterns. BOTH of you have old patterns. That doesn't mean he's to blame for your hurtful words, or that a non-cheating spouse is to blame for the cheating one. It means that in both of you, the desire to change must be EQUALLY and EARTH-SHATTERINGLY profound and equal. It means killing all that made your marriage destruct, and since you are each one member of that old marriage, it's 50/50. No more score-taking.
Good luck.. It's a tall order, and the odds are against you. I know for a fact that in the marriages that make it using the mindset I am laying out here, and with a great counselor and guide, those marriages are rebuilt and the new relationships are stronger than ever before. There's new love, new discovery, new ground to cover, as if both of you are new people. It's like a bone that broke, that heals stronger than before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I sorted my behaviour years ago and I'm totally in control now. I am willing to live without the sex if that's what he wants. I owe him that. I'm asking how to make him feel comfortable in case he isn't happy without sex. I just want to make him happy. I'm happy either way if I know he's happy.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (21 September 2015):
I’m confused. Pushy in what department? You say you could live without sex, then you ask how you can make him feel comfortable in that department again. Or else you are asking a more general question about pushing him in to being a family, which would make even less sense. What I’m saying is that, reading your post, I am unconvinced that you are really able to live without the sex. True, you say you’re willing to, but your question suggests it would be a big compromise and one that I can see you growing increasingly frustrated with in spite of what I don’t doubt are sincere intentions. I think you both need to agree that any attempt at a reconciliation has to be one that is aimed at leading to a husband and wife relationship in every sense, and that includes sex. I think you need to be honest that, although it may take time, you do want to get back to a sexual relationship. If you think you knocked his confidence, be honest about that and ask him to think about what might help him gain it back. Think about how you might build up to this: go on dates again, perhaps start with kissing and gradually lead to more just as happens at the beginning of a new relationship. I also think this conversation would be ideally carried out with the support of a relationships counsellor and encourage you both to look in to support from Relate in this regard.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 September 2015):
 Have you dealt with why you were being verbally abusive? Have you talked to a counselor or someone about this?
Wishing things will work and making them work are two different things. And I'd say unless you have some kind of control over your temper and abusive behavior it's not going to work. You two really need to NOT repeat the past.
And as for the sex, well... YOU may not care if you ever have sex again, but what about him? Is he willing to give that up for Lent?
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