A
female
age
36-40,
*atelove77
writes:My husband and I have been together for five years. Three years into our relationship, he got a new job. He manages a store, with a lot of employees. He works closely with a lot of females, all of which of course idolize him as he's the boss. One girl in particular we had a lot of issues with, she's a few years younger and would always text him ;) and :) all the time, and was always texting and crossing a line. My husbands way to solve this, rather than telling the girl to stop, was to start erasing his text messages so I didn't see them. This of course caused a huge ordeal once I found out. This lead to me not trusting him, and him hiding more things because I didn't trust him, which made things EVEN WORSE. This was about a year ago. Now things are still stressed with his job. My husband is very possessive, and would NEVER be okay with me doing the things he does. With his job, he makes his own schedule. He could make things so much easier on me by not scheduling himself to close alone with this girl. I've asked him numerous times to stop, but he always says she's the best at the job and it makes it easier on him to have someone like her there. He has a big "visit" with the vice president coming to the store, so he's working insane hours. That puts a stress on our relationship. He gets annoyed because I question him, and he feels like he doesnt nothing wrong and it's his job and I need to stop harassing him about his employees. However, today I drove his car to work and find a DVD in it that is "just friends" that the quote on the front says "just freinds when they want to be more" or something. I flipped out, and my husband says it's because there's a person in the movie called dusty and he always says dusty. So this girl gave him this dvd. She also gave him vodka (odd) for xmas. He says it's just because she's younger and stupid- but has a boyfriend. Now I have a complex about everyone he works with, and a new girl started of whom he also often works with. She's married with a baby, which he thinks makes it impossible for me to get mad about it. My issue is if I were to even get a job with other guys, he would have a heart attack. Yet he can do whatever, and never does anything to HELP our relationship by not scheduling himself to work with this person. Or not accept gifts like vodka and a movie that I feel is not okay. He thinks I'm reading into the movie and the title, and that it has NOTHING to do with the title and thinks I'm crazy for assuming that- but it was hidden away in the car and he said "oh I told you about that that she gave me that movie" when he 100% didnt'.How do I get over constantly feeling anxiety about my husband at work
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (24 January 2013):
I can sympathize with him. I used to run a division at an investment bank, and there were six women who reported directly to me. Now, I own/run a business in an industry that is predominantly women. As the boss, yes, women do try to get close to you and some do idolize you. It has been an issue before in past relationships, but I didnt tolerate it for long. My work was so demanding I didnt have the time or energy to keep defending myself every day. My current fiancee has no issues with my current arrangement save on. She is Colombian, and has only requested that I do not hire another young unmarried woman from South America to work directly for me. He attitude is that the national pastime down there is stealing men, and from what I have seen her fears are not completely unfounded. Once I made this concession, we've had no problems.
I would suggest that you find a common ground as well, or you could be headed for a split up.
A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (22 January 2013):
Okay, I think everyone was confused because in your post you said,
"Now I have a complex about everyone he works with, and a new girl started of whom he also often works with. She's married with a baby, which he thinks makes it impossible for me to get mad about it."
So I thought that you had an issue with all the girls at his work. But I guess it's just a couple that are behaving inappropriately. It sucks. It would be nice if everyone behaved appropriately around married people, but I've run across lots of women that cross the line with married men. Some specifically like going after married men. And at that point, it's up to the married man to say, "Back off. I'm happily married." or "You know what, what you're saying is inappropriate and is making me uncomfortable." Not sure how many men would actually do that voluntarily on their own. My own husband thinks flirting is harmless, so if some of his girl friends or coworkers said things I might construe as inappropriate, he would be fine with, or at least not say anything to them about it. He doesn't flirt anymore though, at least, which has cooled down some of his girl friends.
The double standard is a big issue. It isn't fair that he's jealous and controlling about you with other guys, but brushes off your concerns of him with other girls. If he doesn't get why you're concerned with the girl, rephrase it such that he is you and you are him, and the girl is some guy that you know that your husband is uncomfortable with. Let him imagine that the roles are reversed, and see how okay he is with that. And you might want to talk to him about his jealousy/control issues. If he would have a fit if you even got a job with other guys there, that's over the top. How can you not interact with any guys whatsoever except for him? That's just unreasonable.
Talk to him about why he does not confront the girl. Does he like the attention? Does he not want to cause conflict? Does he really think it isn't a big deal? Is he afraid how it will affect things in the workplace after? Does he find the idea of confronting her awkward and uncomfortable? Brainstorm different ideas to get her to back off. Whether it is ignoring her texts, having a workplace sexual harassment or professional behaviour seminar, sending an email to her, etc. etc.
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A
female
reader, fatelove77 +, writes (22 January 2013):
fatelove77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clear something up, he works with 20+ women. Out of all of them, 2 to me cross a line. The other 18 are strictly professional and NEVER cross that line. He has to work with women, this I understand. He works with 5-8 of them EVERY day and I have zero problem. My issue with the girl giving him vodka and the movie are that she's crossed a line numerous times, and my husband is too shy and embarrassed to tell her she's being inappropriate. Instead of saying stop, he just erased her werid text messages to avoid me being upset. I do understand you can't control what someone does, however you can control how you handle it, and I believe he should have said stop. That is my issue. I don't think every person that comes in contact with my husband wants him. He's very good looking, and successful, but obviously he's married. I am very successful myself, and am confident and am very happy with myself- that being said, if the shoe was on the other foot, my husband would have a HEART attack, and the double standard is very annoying.Just wanted to clear up that I don't think everyone wants him, I think 2 girls cross the line and have a crush on their boss who seems powerful. That being said, I find it annoying my husband doesn't have the balls (sorry) to just say hey don't text me strange things.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (22 January 2013):
I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong to give vodka for a Christmas gift. Lots of people in companies will mostly only give a gift to the boss, and maybe a few smaller gifts to close coworkers. I mean, with her working in a store, she probably doesn't have that much to spend on gifts for everyone. And alcohol is a popular Christmas gift item - wine, whiskey, etc. I would have been more concerned if she had got him a sweater or something more personal like that. Alcohol is a pretty impersonal gift. The assumption is most people drink alcohol, or at least have guests over that drink it, especially around Christmas time. Therefore, perfect gift for people you don't know very well. The movie is more of a concern - not that she gave him a movie per se, but the title of the movie. It seems like she is hinting that she wants more from him.
From the texts and the movie, it does sound like she does want something to happen with him, and isn't being too subtle about it. But it's your husband's job as a manager and the married man, to stop her being inappropriate. The fact that he isn't might mean he likes it, he reciprocates it, he doesn't like conflict, or he can't be bothered. About changing his work schedule, unless he is ONLY working whenever this girl is working and alone with her, it seems like he is working when he needs to work. You said that he's working crazy hours right now anyway, so he's probably working with everyone in the store at different times. I do think you are letting your concern and anxiety over this ONE GIRL become an issue with ALL GIRLS. What has the new girl done that makes her a threat? What makes you think that she is anything but very happily married with a child and with no interest whatsoever for your husband?
Maybe try to meet your husband's employees. Are there any Christmas get togethers? Or drinks after work? Drop in for lunch with your husband and meet the people he works with. You might find them to be very nice, and hopefully ease your anxiety. I'm sure that not every woman that he works with is interested in your husband, unless he's a Channing Tatum look alike.
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A
female
reader, fatelove77 +, writes (22 January 2013):
fatelove77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. I do agree that it's very off for the vodka and the movie. And I highly doubt she gave everyone a gift. He swears it's because she's young and dumb (she's 21) and that's it.
To code warror: I don't need help. If you were planning on being judgmental, you shouldn't have wrote. I have a reason to be paranoid, thank you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): start preparing for divorce to be a possibility because it sounds very likely that he is fooling around with this girl and who knows where he will stop at. it's inappropriate for an employee to give her boss vodka and a movie as a xmas present unless she personally gave each and every co-worker the same gift. I bet she didn't. therefore he's doing something that encourages her and is lying about it. and imagine if this girl leaves the workplace it could be someone else. you can't be spending the rest of your life worrying about who he's flirting with and doing who knows what else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): Your gut is correct. Something is probably happening between them - whether its just a crush, emotional cheating or full on physical who knows.How do you fix this? Fix yourself - become strong and independent (career and personality) and stop taking B.S. Start having your own life, build your career and be a strong independent woman who isn't controlled or walked all over. This might take a few years. In the meantime, don't accept B.S. Keep close tabs on them, hire an investigator perhaps to see if there is cheating and don't get pregnant by him. Walk away when you gather more evidence.Don't be weak.
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