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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hey everyone. I'm 21 and I went out with a boy for 18months from when we were 17. During that time we argued quite a lot, as I was the only 1 who made any effort. He didnt make any effort to meet my friends or family, it was always me going to him, he chatted up other girls on the internet, I heard rumours he cheated on me, and basically didn't treat me very well. But there was something about him that I couldnt get enough and when we were together he had a softer side that I could tell he thought the same.I eventually called it off because I was sick of the arguments and since then have had 2 boyfriends, one of which I've been with for 8 months. He treats me so well and we have so much fun together. When I'm with him it's like it's just us 2 in the world and I can really see a future with him, but when I'm on my own I can't get my ex out my head. I haven't stayed in contact with my ex but I've bumped into him a few times. Each time I still get the same butterflies I used to and I can feel theres something still there with him too. He told once that breaking up with me was the hardest thing he's ever been through and I've heard he hasnt had a long term gf since. I know I shouldnt be with my boyfriend because I'm thinkin these thoughts and he doesnt deserve that. I know that I deserve to be loved, treated well and respected, like my current boyfriend does. My boyfriend is everything I'd want in a boyfriend, but theres a part of me that is longing to be with my ex. It's like I'd rather be arguing and being hurt and be with him than not have him at all. Please help :( Thank you x
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female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (5 March 2007):
 I think many people have been in your position because I believe we all have someone from our past who we never really get over, even though we don't know why because they were never really that nice to us anyway. It just takes all our strength sometimes not to go down that road again or that person who treated you so badly will ruin every happy relationship you have in the future.
I don't think you have feelings for this guy, you just think you do. I know, I was the same a few years ago and I suppose, deep down, still am to some degree. But I refuse to let him come into my life and ruin things again.
I think women especially, tend to think they can change men who treat them badly, it's like our instincts or something. Also, we like a challenge and a bit of drama and these troublesome guys give us that. Finally, I think we lack closure from the situation because it seems they had the last laugh, as you still feel for them even after the way they treated you.
Whatever the reason, we've all been there. You cannot let this ruin everything for you in the future. This new guy sounds great and you should try and work things out with him. You need to get some closure from this other boy, he is no good for you, moving on is the only way to resolve this. I know it's hard when we feel this way but, I promise, you don't feel as strongly as you think.
Please think long and hard about why you still think about this guy when you're alone. How did he make you feel? Why do you want that back when you have someone lovely? Do you like drama, or being treated badly? These questions need answering, so maybe seek some professional help if nothing changes. If you don't love your boyfriend for other reasons, let him go, but if it's just for the sake of a few thoughts about this guy from the past, don't bother.
Good luck.
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