A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:There is this guy that I have known for 4 years through other friends and he immediately made it clear that he fancied me from the beginning and even though I found this flattering I told him I just wanted to be friends. Everything was fine until last year when I got really drunk and was feeling lonely so I sought comfort with this guy but before it went too far I stopped the situation and explained that it wasn't right and that it wasn't fair on him for me to lead him on. His response was to call me a lesbian and we barely spoke for a few weeks and even now our friendship has completely changed because I don't want to give him the wrong impression but he is constantly talking about me to other friends about how he 'loves' me and stares at me when we are out in groups, he even sends me messages telling me how beautiful I am and its makes me feel awkward. I don't know what to say or do, he is in a very dark place at the moment and self harms so I don't want to make things worse but I feel like I don't want to go out if I know he is there because it ends up being weird.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 July 2013):
 His self-harming is NOT Your problem. HIS mental health is not your problem. IF he threatens to harm himself as a way to blackmail you into being friends or in contact with him, say to him "I'm sorry to hear this and I will be calling the mental health authorities to warn them of your dangerous behavior" then do it. YOUR WORK HERE IS DONE as you have done the responsible thing and turned a mentally ill person over to professional care.
I sense you only see him in groups with mutual friends and that's GOOD. What I would do is NOT try to be even friends with this guy. I would also enlist the help of your mutual friends with this by letting them know that you are not interested in maintaining a friendship with someone who when he does not get his way is emotionally blackmailing (if he threatens to self harm that's what he's doing) and also when he didn't get his way he called you a lesbian out of frustration and an inability to cope with his feelings. He can't express himself well and sounds like he is emotionally very immature.
He is now to be reverted to 'casual acquaintance'. This means no calling you or texting you. So calls and texts and comments on social media can be ignored. IN fact, if it makes it easier for YOU block him as best you can.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): This is a very complex situation as a mental health nurse, I see the damage of self harming for whatever the underlying reasoning may be, let's clarify something .. It isn't you ..You need to feel comfortable when out with the group in his company . How do you handle ( answer) the beautiful text he sends ? How do friends answer when he say ( he loves you?) how are these question answered..In life people have to take responsibility of man things including their behaviour .. We have to own, what we say or do..My advice is limited as I really need to know how these qs are being answered first . If you thank him or don't answer him ? In token though I think you need to speak to one of your other friends as they too need to know how to answer him when he makes these ' statements' Things like ' yea dude she cares for you as a FRIEND etc the emphasis being on the friend .What you don't want is becoming more obsessional than it already is. Take care x
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