A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, this may seem like a pathetic question...but how do I deal with my traditional close-minded mother?I am 20 and will be turning 21 soon, but I still live with my parents. I want to get an eyebrow piercing (I have wanted one since highschool). I will be getting my surface piercing within this month. I told my father, he disagreed but will not stop me from getting one. I decided not to tell my mother until she will obviously see it on my face. She will get upset, probably even mad enough that she will try to rip it out my face. How do I handle this situation when it comes? I have some support from older friends that have peircings and nice jobs (they told me its better to get it now than later when I start my hospital work in 3 years). My job situation and interviews and such are fine.My mother is also an extreme christian. I am christian too but I believe it best not to down other people choices if the are not to intentionsl harm. So she will bring God into this.How do I convince her I am not a child anymore?
View related questions:
christian, live with my parents Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2014):
 Dear OP,
you have been given some great advice. Your update says your parents are divorced. That reminds me of my son's story.
I'm rather non-traditional. I have 3 tattoos and while I only wear two earrings per ear I have 4 holes in each lobe and an ear cartilage piercing. Other than my ears however, my rule always has been "all modifications covered by business clothing" which is actually a pretty awesome rule to have considering many places (including hospitals) do not permit tattoos or piercings (other than traditional earrings for women) to show.
My son while in college and well past age 20, got a tattoo which is blatantly against our religion. It was on his shoulder and covered by a shirt but when his father and stepmother saw it one day when he went home to visit and was sleeping, THEY WOKE HIM AND THREW HIM OUT..... he called me and I got him back to his school that morning.
They don't permit tattoos or piercings and he is estranged from them for other reasons but the tatt was the beginning of the end of a relationship with my son and his father and stepmother.
My BFF's now 33 yr old daughter wanted gauges in her ears. Her mother said FINE as long as YOU pay for the plastic surgery to repair them when you are done with them. The child agreed and she did pay for the surgery to repair her destroyed earlobes when she matured and realized that the piercings she adored at 20 something were RUINING her career. She's the HEAD of R&D for a large firm now. NOT something that would have happened with NON-mainstream piercings.
Consider this rule: all modifications should be covered by business clothing. Even in my job where we have NO dress code and many of us show tatts or multiple ear piercings. NO ONE wears their facial piercings at work. THEY may put them in at lunch time when we go out, but IN THE OFFICE, we pretend to be mature adults.
As for bangs, well yeah they will cover a scar as will heavy makeup made for such things, but will you always want that? Will you want to always have to explain to new partners where that scar comes from (a foolish whim in my early 20s)
Around here, in a hospital, I have had nurses with bandages on their neck or other places and they explained to me that it covers their tatts and the holes on their faces are noticeable as they have to take their piercings out for work. Since you spend at least 40 hours a week at work, why have something you can't enjoy 24/7?
In addition, an adult does not worry about what mommy and daddy say or think. A mature adult, lives their life to please themselves and does not fret if their mommy and daddy disapprove.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 *scarring
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 March 2014):
But even with a horizontal piercing you'll have scaring. Can't you go for something that is less, literally, in your face? Example: a tragus stud or navel piercing? I get the feeling you're doing this almost to provoke your mother, by choosing something so noticeable. I don't mind piercings at all, I have a few myself (the ones I suggested) but I've always found eyebrow piercings too much and I always notice the scars on people who've had them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): I hated living with my parents.I moved out as soon as I was 18 (I'm 23 now).Sorry, but it's hard for me to have any sympathy for you.Their house, their rules.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): "how do I deal with my traditional close-minded mother?"By opening your closed mind, seeing things from her perspective, respecting her sincerely held values and beliefs as being just as valid as yours, and honoring her wishes in her own home from which she can legally toss you at any moment. "How do I convince her I am not a child anymore?"By acting like an adult, which by my definition means living independently on your own without any financial support from your parents.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 March 2014):
 You ask: "How do I handle this situation when it comes?"
What you do is,... you learn to be an adult... and AVOID this situation ("... when it comes"....) by NOT HAVING IT COME!!!!!!!!!
Damn!!! You LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS (!!!) and can't respect them enough to acquiesce to their preferences!!!! If'n you were my daughter, I'd box your ears, and tell you: "Go ahead, get your eyebrows, your nose, your clitoris... and anyplace else that you want, pierced. THEN, once that's done... figure out where you are going to live.... because you won't be welcomed here."
WHAT THE H##L IS THE MATTER WITH YOU????? ... that you can't accomodate your parents, and who they are, and what they have done to raise you????? .... and provide for you all these years??????
Please excuse me, whilest I step down (wobbily) from my soapbox.....
Good luck... I'm glad I'm not your Mother or Father....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): Come on, don't exaggerate to make a point here.
Don't take the aunts and uncles here for foolish. Your mother isn't going to rip anything out of your face. If she's that violent; maybe you ought get your own place to live and do whatever you like.
People often come to this site characterizing their parents and siblings as vile, violent, relentlessly disagreeable, hateful creatures. That's easy to do when you only get one side of the story.
I would think your mother's religion would have some limitations against physically abusing you. Snatching piercings out and ripping your flesh doesn't sound like behavior befitting a so-called extreme Christian toward her own daughter.
Just remember, you are living in their home.
Piercings are risky of infection. If the conditions where you get them are not absolutely sterile; you could pickup hepatitis, staphylococcus infection, or other types of infections. A botched job could cause scarring. It doesn't really matter about age. The risks runs the same.
Places that do piercings don't exactly look like hospitals.
You also have to be careful of the image you want to project about who you are; and what you stand for. I think some are quite attractive. Piercings aren't usually seen on ordinary everyday people.
The thing is, people who get piercings prefer a number of them in order for them not to be taken as posers or squares; just trying to be hip, or making some lame fashion statement.
They want to project an image offset from the mainstream and making a statement about a lifestyle preference. Police often profile people by them, although that seems completely prejudiced. That's just the way it is.
Highly visible piercings are popular with drug-users, gang-members, and people into sadism and masochism.
It's to present a tough and rebellious image. It's not a beauty treatment like plucking your eyebrows.
Several piercings in the ears is a popular fashion statement. Tiny nose piercings are acceptable even professional settings. Having them in your facial-area is a little different. That's more hardcore.
Not all people are cutout to be "ghetto-fabulous;" and may be making a statement they aren't aware of. They may not like some of the unwanted attention they get. If you want to look tough, you had better be tough.
While living in your parent's home; they may not share your
beliefs or your chosen lifestyle. Which includes your fashion choices. If they kick you out, it is within their rights; and that does not make them bad people.
Your mother does have her own reputation to uphold within her religious-community, and within her church. Some believe the body is a temple; and consider piercings and tattoos a violation of that temple. Thus she is following her belief-system within her own home. Right or wrong, she has that prerogative within her own house.
It amuses me when young people come to DC declaring how unreasonable parents are; for not wanting certain lifestyles or behavior practiced in their homes.
Yet the same young people (who live at home after 18 and don't pay rent) would set their own rules, if the had their own place. If they actually paid rent and utilities in their own name; they would expect people who are guests in their home, to abide by house-rules. They wouldn't allow their own parents or anyone else, to come in and go against what they believe in.
Get a job, get financially established, then get your own place. Then pierce anything you want.
Don't expect a lot of well-paying employers to just dismiss piercings, and visible elaborate body art; because they too have image preferences. They too care about public-opinion.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI sorry I forgot to mention my parents are divorced. I live with my father. I getting the horizontal piercing a little away from my eyebrow hairs...I am OK if it scars. If worse comes to worst and I decide I don't want it anymore I have my bangs.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 March 2014):
I went ahead and got extra ear piercing without my mother's permission (in fact, she was "disappointed") and the world didn't end. I do suggest you tell her beforehand, out of respect for her.
Having a piercing won't stop her treating you like a child. Perhaps she will be like that all her life, and it will only get easier when you are able to move out.
Just a word of caution, eye brow piercings leave quite visible scars and the hair doesn't grow back around the area of piercing. Also, if you stilL have it in place when you are working in a hospital (or in the mean time you work in any place where food is prepared), you will have to cover it with a blue plaster (at least that's what we are supposed to do in the UK) - not an attractive look!
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (3 March 2014):
 Your question isn't pathetic, although since you still live at home I would tread carefully on this as with any major disagreement. Their house can, if they choose it to, mean "their rules" as well. What if your mother, in a fit of anger, says you can no longer live there? Yes it's farfetched, but if you think she might actually try to tear a piercing out of your flesh (which would be a crime) then insisting you leave (perfectly legal) is a possibility I would certainly consider, and have a plan for if it does happen.
I'm sure you've heard this from your parents, but be SURE it's what you want now and will still want later. I'm not even speaking from a religious perspective; I mean that for the rest of your life you will have either a piece of metal or a scar on your face. Whether future partners find it a turn-on or not. Whether you want it in your wedding photos or not. Whether people judge you for it or not. Whether potential employers accept it or not. When you're 65 and posing for family photos with your grandkids. You name it.
I'm not trying to preach to you about something with which I have no experience. I've been there, I am there now, and I will be there later in my life. I had about 10 piercings when I was younger - navel, nose, a bunch in my ears, and, yes, my eyebrow.
Although I ultimately let most of them close as I grew out of wanting that look, I don't regret any of them except the eyebrow. It never quite healed right even though I was very careful with it. I'm sure that you've read up on this and are aware of the possibility of rejection, which is more likely with surface piercings. Nevertheless I was able to keep it until the point at which I no longer wanted it. Then I waited patiently for it to heal...
Several years later, I still have a visible scar that has faded as much as it's ever going to and remains apparent. I've debated having it surgically revised but that's very costly and, being a cosmetic procedure, is something I would have to pay for out of pocket. Ultimately I've chosen to leave it alone. When I have kids, it will be a perfect teachable moment - "sure you can do that, but will you still like it if it comes out like mine?"
Anyway, to answer your question, the adult thing to do would be to tell her what you are doing beforehand and accept without argument the consequences she chooses to present. You can't argue her into belief that you're not a child but you can SHOW her that while you respect her opinion and understand that all choices have consequences, this is a choice you still wish to make.
Good luck and best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (3 March 2014):
 By getting your own place and supporting yourself.
OP, regardless of your legal age if you're still living in their home and they're supporting you while you're in school then you'll have to respect their wishes.
Whatever benefits there are to getting pierced now as opposed to later are debatable. It can wait three years.
...............................
A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (3 March 2014):
 Greetings,In a situation like this strength comes from respectful determination.Your parents might not approve but at least your father only voices his displeasure. I've had my two younger sisters go through this, belly button and lip piercing only (my father was extremely grateful lol)The only thing you can do it show your mother how mature you can be even if your appearance belies that (according to your parents)After lengthly discussions with my parents I understand that mostly they do what they do to help you conform into what they feel is productive society and these days that means no piercings, no tattoos, standard haircut, the works.Personally I feel all children have issues with their folks to one degree or another.All I can advise you to do is show how mature you can be even with the piercing.
...............................
|
