A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My question is how do I deal with my boyfriend confessing he has no desire for sexual intercourse? A year and a half before we met he found out he had prostate cancer. He had it removed, and right before we met he had surgery/ inflatable prosthetic. For the first 5 months we had a good sex life, and I was coming to grips with the lack of ejaculation. We've had our kids, and I could deal with that. Now we have been together right at 1 year, and today he said he was at an age that he didn't have a desire for sexual intercourse anymore. After months of feeling it was me, my weight, or the fact I'm 15 years younger he confesses this to me. He is wonderful to me, and said he wanted to give it to me (sex) because he didn't want me going without. Or he had the need to try harder at pleasing me with other things because the lack of sex. I know he loves me, and wants to give me everything the world has to offer. I just don't know how to tell him that money/doing things can't replace intamacy. He loves to hold me, kiss me, touch and kiss my breast, but that is about it.I'm 41 and he is 56. I know he takes different medications, (Paxil) He doesn’t know I looked up the side effects, and really I'm just starting to take it so personal. I find myself pulling away, and even today he just wanted to "do it" for me. He stopped because my lack of arousal, and said it's OK because he loves just being naked, and holding me close. I don’t understand. And now I find myself crying in the car when I’m alone, and covering my feelings on how badly this is affecting me. I'm scared I will stray to another man just for the sexual aspect. We are both professionals, and there is no rationalizing stepping out for sex. I need some help fast!! As a woman we all want to feel desired, and I worry I may take up having an affair in order to make "Our" relationship last. I’ve never been a cheater, and I’m not even sure if I could go through with it. Simply Saddened-
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010):
Heart-shaped balloon,
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this with your fiancé. I’ve waited for some time now to get advice, and I can’t thank you enough for this help. I know he adores me, and when he holds me we have some of our greatest talks. He will look in my eyes, and without saying it I feel his love. I feel so bad for me; I really didn’t think outside the box and think what it must do to him. *sigh* because I’m always thinking of others, but the time I do think of myself first I feel bad for it. You’ve been such a help to me, and it makes me want to get up, drive to his house, and tell him I really just need to feel him close to me right now. He has self described himself as “stoic”, due to his background/career. But here lately he’s been different. I guess the reason for my confusion is the fact he went through a very painful surgery (inflatable prosthetic.) He had it right before we met in person, and it was my understanding he did it for the purpose to have sex with it…I mean why else have a bionic penis. I’m feeling very insecure now because I wonder if my “likes” in the bedroom had something to do with the change. I mean we had a GREAT sex life before an accident I had where I became hurt. He would say he didn’t want to hurt me, or say nothing at all. I see it a lot different now, and I feel much love even though we don’t exchange “I love you.” The time he wanted to just “give it to me”, he got naked and just climbed between my legs without any kissing, or four play to get me wet/aroused. I wanted to say something then; I just said it’s OK. It didn’t want to go in because I was too tight, and not at all ready to have it inside me. I think it upset him, thinking it was failing him but it was not that at all. I want to make love to him, I desire him madly…we have great sexual chemistry but when it comes to having sex now it’s not something his body craves as mine does. I would always go down on him, and he would even tell me wanted it…and how good it felt and not to worry about his climax. This was hard to get used to because I love that release, and having him in that way. I would do this even though he has never performed oral sex on me. I know I love him, and I want to be with him….but I need to be reassured we will be OK through this. I’ve even told him there are many ways we could make love, and that I would need to know we can bond even with his low sex drive. But that’s all that was said, and right after he wanted to get up and work. . . and show me a VERY expensive gift he wanted to buy us. I mean this gift (Private Jet) most people don’t just own one, and I felt again like he feels he has to buy my love. I grew up modest, and a lot of time during my last marriage we barely had enough. I don’t know how to tell him that money, power, and gifts are not what I need from him. I need his affection, and love. I know in my heart I could never cheat, but just having thoughts makes me so disappointed in myself. I will do everything you suggested, and give 100% of myself. I know I can’t imagine him not in my life, and I will do whatever it takes to figure out what we can do for both of us. You’ve made me feel so much better, and thank you for taking the time to show me a different view point. I know I have a wonderful man, and more-so now I can see just how much he loves me in whole, verses just physical satisfaction.
A
female
reader, heart-shaped-balloon +, writes (5 October 2010):
 My fiance has similar problems but he is much younger.Let me explain something that might put your mind at ease- just because he doesn't want SEX doesn't mean he doesn't think you are sexually attractive. He may think you are very sex-worthy, but it's his BODY not his MIND that isn't reacting. Due to the surgery and age, his body probably just isn't sending many signals anymore.And his attraction for you is shown by the fact he still wants to have sex with you. He does it for you because he thinks you are amazing. This is BETTER than him being crazy about sex- this is him loving you so much and being soo attracted to you that he wants you MENTALLY and NOT just physically. He enjoys sex with you not for physical reward, but because it is intimate and personal and he gets to be close to you. You are the most beautiful thing in his life and his mind, heart, and soul are so powerfully in love and attracted to you he can still get it up and have sex with you even without those signals his body stopped sending.. AND he initiates. Your problem is your own insecurities- you won't let him have sex with you either because he told you it isn't important to him? That just means you are more to him than just a sexual object. It also doesn't mean he doesn't ENJOY sex or WANT sex with you, it just means he won't go out of his way for it just for the purpose of self pleasure.Be reassured- he loves you and wants you all the same. Once you get over these insecurities, your sex life will pick up again. Try and initiate more often. You've been pulling away and sending him signals that you aren't "in the mood", which will make him try less and less. If you really want sex, stop pulling away. He loves and wants you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Prostate Cancer, Treated, Paxil, nothing like that to damn sexual drive.
Don't know his treatment, but he may have no testosterone.
No testosterone means largely no sex drive.
Would/Should it affect you? Yes. Is it his "fault"? No.
Go to his doctor with him. See if anything can be done.
Don't cheat, you will regret it for the rest of your life every single day.
Break up if you have to, but don't cheat first.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 This is very sad. Unfortunately, though, there is no substitute for the real thing - real sex - and you / your body / your soul knows this. As you say, no amount of being nice and looking after you can make up for that.
I think you have to think VERY seriously about what you want/need from your relationship. To be honest, I think this sounds like one where you should maybe move on. You are too young to never have sex again!!!!!!!!!!
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