A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:MOD NOTE: Poster wants advice from women in the UKJust after some advice off women in the uk please. I am in court has my ex wants access to our little boy. I have never denied him access and I have always tried to get him to see our son but he has always been full of excuses and now he is taking me to court. I have told my solicitor that he can have access and I haven't a problem with that only it has to be supervised has my son hasn't seen his dad in a long time so I want supervised until my son is comfortable around him but also because I want my ex to prove his committment aswel has he as already let our son down so many time. I really hope he doesn't let him down again once he is given this chance but I feel he will. But I do hope I am wrong. The door will never be shut has far has him seeing our son is concerned. The reason we split to start with was because he had an affair. I am worried he is going to take her with him. I am not prepared for seeing those two together and especially seeing her and I know how upset and angry I will be. It has been about 13 months since we split and yes I am moving on and getting on with my life but it still hurts like hell. Some people may say I am being stupid but I am not interested in those people has I cannot help how I feel. I just need some advise really on how you think I should deal with this situation, I want to prepare myself but everytime I think about it all I want to do is cry and then all the hatred I feel towards this woman comes back. I know I need to let it go but it is so hard. I know I still love my ex but I hate him at the same time for what he did to me but more importantly what he did to our son. I am in bits and do not know which way to turn. There is noone I can talk to has all I get is I am being silly and I should of moved on by now etc etc. I wish I didn't still feel like this, I would give anything not to!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Thank you LoveGirl. Your words are so nice and mean so much and they have certainly helped. I need to deal with this I know I do but I have come to terms that it will take time and that is why I am not quite ready yet, I know I am not. Thank you again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): I agree with the OP: she wants coping skills with dealing with the mistress.
Captainsteve i disagree totally with you. I have read your other comment (in another post) regarding your affair where you are now going to make a decision between your wife and lover and that you have no guilt. I would like to just say that your situation and the OPs are different. She is trying her best to be fair and decent to her ex. She wants her child to see his father. She has not stopped him or denied him access. What i do note Steve is that you have become a product of your parents divorce: cheating, leaving spouse. And to hell with the kids emotional state. This is the most cruel thing to do!!!! So sorry if you take offense but i think steve you are not being fair to the OP. And OP please do not take offense to Steves comments: he is merely reacting to his own situation.
OP, you want coping skills: firstly dont feel bad that you recent the mistress. This is normal.
Cry, scream shout. Hey you have every right to do so.
Indifference is now the key: this is the hardest thing to do: whether shes dead or alive, whether she exists or not: you need to become immune. This will take time BUT you need to work towards this indifference. How? I actually do not know (we are all different people so we have different indifference thresholds). What i do know is that you are still in the mourning phase: so mourn, but heal. Heal so that whatever happens with/to the mistress, you are not affected. Your emotions are in order.
Do not rush this process. It takes time. However it does become easier. I know it is hard to do.
I hope i did not give you any useless advise but i feel that you should go through the motions and work this one day at a time.
Oh and Steve, i think your wife is going through something very similar now that she has caught you in your affair... I think that you may learn a thing or two from this thread. Good luck.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): You do not need counselling honey, you have every right to be angry,hurt jealous and have a strong desire to rip this womans hair out. Anybody who has lived through deception and abandonment will completely understand. I do for one.
How you cope is to think, she's got him as seconds,he may leave her for somebody else or she may go. Thats what they have to live with, doubt and guilt.
He was cheating so was 'leaving' the relationship for a while, you thought you were happy,the anger and shock will fade,she got him by foul means.
One day you won't care because you will realise she is welcome to him and all he is.And you will have moved on with acceptance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): I am the original poster of this question.
Fristly thank you for your responses but maybe I didn't make myself clear in my question. However I do feel that I did reading it back.
I never asked for advise about my son seeing this oter woman at all, of course I know that has eventually got to happen in the future and that is something I will have to deal with but I won't allow that to happen until my son has a positive relationship with my son and proves his committment. Also he needs to build a relationship with my son before even thinking about introducing another woman!!
My son is little, he will be 2 in 8 weeks time so very young!
My question for those that didn't quite get it in my origianal post was asking for advise on how 'I COPE' with seeing this other woman after what she did to my family. You may way criticise me and tell me I need to see a councilor and that is your opinion, personally I feel I do not need that, I simply need advise off women that have been in my situation and how they dealt with it. I am very confused as to how you assumed this was about my son seeing her, I mentioned in my post that I would never prevent my ex from seeing our son and I stand by that. I am not the baddy here although it seems that a couple of you feel the need to get on your high horse. I appreciate advise but I would also appreciate that you read my origional question properly first. If I was preventing my ex seeing my son because of his new partner then I could understand a couple of the responses but I am not so I do not get where they have come from. Please re read my post and don't judge me on the way I am feeling because I am struggling a little with how I will cope, if you are going to judge me then to be honest I would prefer you didn't answer, I am after advise not to be judged. Everything I have done since me and my ex split has been about my son, he as come first and I have done a good job, I am proud of myself but for a change this is about me and when I posted my question I thought I would give a little background first, seems to me that that may of been a mistake, I don't know!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): My dad left for another woman when I was 8, he tricked us into meeting her saying he would leave us for hours alone in the car if we didnt come in and meet, we didnt get on at all. She had 2 kids my age and it felt like dad had swapped us for her kids and my mum for her. We never had contact after the first few months, only with dad.
His new woman never tried it was like she wanted dad but not 2 more kids around.
Mum always tried to get us to spend time with them both she always said to give her another chance but we never wanted to.
Mum had to go to court but nothing changed,we were asked lots of questions like who would you want to visit you in hospital, draw a picture of what makes you happy - by a welfare woman.
I have a girlfriend a job I am happy and my upbringing didn't ruin me, Mum and dad listened to us in the end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): I know you're still hurting from your ex's affair and subsequent divorce, but part of moving on is coming to terms that your life now is completely separate from his life. That means that his romantic life is no business of yours, just as it would be vice versa.
I think it's reasonable to voice opposition to your ex introducing his new partner to your kid if their relationship is still new or unstable. you don't want more upheaval in the child's life by having him bond to another adult who is then going to leave.
but if their relationship is serious and committed (which I know is hard for you to accept seeing as how it started out as an affair when he was married to you), then it's actually wrong of you to try to forbid contact between your son and your ex's new partner, or to turn your son against the new woman. What went on between your ex and you, like his betrayal of you, should stay between your ex and you. It should not go on to 'infect' other people's relationships with each other, like your son's possible relationship with your ex's new partner.
if she is going to be long-term part of your ex's life, then your son should have a positive relationship with her. Trying to poison the relationship between your son and her, or outright putting obstacles to them having any bond, will be bad for your son because it will lead to even further fragmentation of his family circle than was brought about by the divorce.
So in other words, I think you should cope by trying to tell yourself that your ex and what he does with his life is separate from you now and what you do with your life. He chose another woman, for his own reasons the relationship with you didn't work out and he did wrong by cheating on you rather than ending things with you first before starting something new. It could be that if he hadn't had an affair, he would have left you eventually anyway. Then later on he would have met someone new, and if they became serious and committed it would be wrong to stop your son seeing the new woman. So try to think of this not being that much different. Either way, you and your ex are divorced and he has a new partner. How that situation came about, should not matter anymore going forward. You should not stay consumed by the past. Many divorced couples get re-married and of course the new partner has to have a relationship with the children from the previous marriage. that's how it should be since the past cannot be undone, and it should be a healthy positive relationship and should not be "poisoned" by the ex's.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Ok calm yourself and take a deep breath. I have been through exactly what you are going through and worried about. My husband left me and our son for another woman. He did not keep in contact either then decided to fight for contact through the courts. My son had to go twice and be interviewed by some woman at the courts to see if he really wanted to see Daddy and to make sure I wasn't being difficult in any way. Anuway, my husband decided that every other weekend he wanted to take our son out and after a while he started suggesting to my son that his girlfriend came too. My son was dead set against this and refused to see my husband if he brought her. Ofcourse they engineered a meeting and she just happened to pass by - oh what a surprise!! Anyway my son was having none of it , said not a word and immediately got on his phone to call me to pick him up. This continued for ages - my son was then 9 and if the other woman ever appeared my son blanked her and always rang. Having had this experience countless times my husband in the end gave up and had to accept that it just had to be the two of them if he wanted to meet up. My son also refused point blank to visit or go to their home. It was suggested that I was behind all of this but my son even from an early age blamed his father for the breakup and did not like his behaviour. My friend refuses point blank to let her son meet her ex husband's new girlfriend and causes loads of trouble over it. He tried to take her to court but it cost so much that in the end he just had to drop it. My friend just will not even contemplate another woman spending anytime with her child and probably would go to prison to make a point about it. I have found that men are very quick to want to introduce a partner - I am not sure if this is because they can't cope with the child alone or want some sought of comfortable back up. I know some women are very mature about this and accept that we all move on and will even embrace a new partner but if you don't feel like that you don't have to. If your child is very young it will all be too confysing for gim anyway and if he is older gis persoanl choice will be taken into consideration.I am clearly a very jealous person by nature and would never want another woman near my child ever. It takes all sorts.
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A
female
reader, neomum +, writes (18 April 2012):
Firstly well done for letting have contact with his son. supervised visits are only for biological parents for the first couple of weeks any way after that they can see mum or dads new plaything. You can ask for the partner to be banned from seeing your son but not in the long term as if they are serious she does have to see him too to build a bond. good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): How old is your son?
Is he only little?
Of course its going to be hard to get over,he hurt you badly but you can hold resentment for your sons sake.
Personally I wouldn't wont your son seeing his father with this new partner because it's still a new-ish relationship & you don't want people coming & going from your sons life,if he's very young that could be confusing & damaging.
But you have to consider if they were to stay together long term you may have to eventually let you son see his father with this woman.
I know it will hurt but if you were to not let your son see his father because of his choice of partner that could be just as damaging as the above.
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