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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am curious to know how couples handle it when they have an argument, fight, disagreement etc. Do you just go off seperately into another room to calm down afterwards?I ask because my bf and i had a argument. It was about something small and silly. Both said stuff and then it was silence. The actual argument didnt even last for a minute. Less than 5 minutes after it, he just got his things ( he was staying at mine) and left with out saying a word. We are both in our 30s. This reaction to an argument doesnt seem right - he gets angry and storms off. It has happened before and When he does this, i do not hear from him for a few days to up to a week. I also never know if i should get in toucj with him or just let him be. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (25 September 2012):
Not going to comment on how its resolved between the two involved, but what I will say is this - never ever ever do your laundry in public. That includes calling your friends/brothers/sisters etc and giving them your side of the story to make yourself feel better. As often as not, you will get bad advice - they are not internal to the situation and have no investment. Even further, at some point, you will likely reconcile with your sig other, but the damage you have done by airing out your dirty laundry will be permanent and it cannot be taken back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): Thank you for the replies. I posted the original question. I agree we need to learn to deal better whem we disagree or have a fight. We both tend to just shut down and give each other the silent treatment. Because we dont tend to talk about issues, when we do have a fight, he brings up all this other stuff and gets even angrier. For example, he got very angry one night quite late. I cant remember what was said but he ot angry, i was in another room and the next minute he had got his things and drove back home, leaving all the doors wide open. The argument was about bed linen. Yes bed linen. I didnt hear from him for days. Another one is that he got angry and ignored me for a week because he wanted to grt something of his that he left at my place but i wasnt home. (he only gave me less than 30 mins notice and i was on the otherside of town for work).
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 September 2012):
 ya know getting away during a fight is one thing...
I have had to learn to walk away when my partner is upset.
BUT we never leave for more than an hour or so without checking in.
getting your things
leaving without a word
being incommunicado for longer than a couple of hours...
NOT good...
now if he had said "i'm really angry right now and i need time to cool off, I'll call you when I am ready to talk about this" and then left and then talked about it... well that would be ok... in my book
we have progressed to actually talking now about it when things are over and done... we have the saying "you need to learn new coping techniques" and my partner knows this.. we had an incident over the weekend... and spent most of sunday morning (when I returned home from a planned trip) talking about his negative reactions.
your partner must learn to talk about it... if he can't talk about it... I don't hold out much hope in the long run for you guys...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): I've had girlfriends that I needed to get away from after arguments. It's not immature OP it's a simple dynamic, not only were we both usually very stubborn and not willing to back down, even when wrong, but some of them got a real kick out of pushing my buttons to the point where I would get frustrated and angry because they saw that as a victory and would goad me about it too. So I could either stay there and let them push me beyond my tolerance levels like only they could or I could walk away and give myself some time to cool down.
My current girlfriend and I are like sister and brother when it comes to arguing, we may argue about something and get heated but then ten minutes later I make dinner and we sit and talk like nothing happened. Neither of us are petty, and while we're competitive people in general "winning" a serious argument is not a low we've ever gone down to, to both of us, finding a common ground and resolving the argument is the only form of acceptable victory and both of us are willing to back down. If I see she's getting really worked up about something then I know how to cool it down by backing right off and being diplomatic, she does the same. Now when it comes to things like who was the best Batman, we've spent hours arguing over that and still can't agree but that's just a bit of fun. I mean come on, George Clooney was the worst Batman, yet she thinks he brought a certain charisma to the role that made Batman more of a sexually dominant role.
Look my point is his reaction is a very bad sign, I wouldn't call it immature OP, it's very easy for people to say he shouldn't run off but as I said I've had exes that were patronizing about arguments, I might go off and cool down and when I come back they jump straight back in to the argument with insults and calling me a baby for having to walk away for a while. Or maybe start sending me texts with the same theme. Ironic then that they'd consider me the immature one for not staying and let them push me to the point of rage.
It takes two to argue OP and perhaps the way you go about it doesn't cover you in glory either. To me it's a bad sign and it's a sign of incompatibility when two people go to extreme measures over minor things.
You need to examine how you argue, do you push his buttons? Do you have to be right? Do you feel a sense of satisfaction when you "win"? Are you able to back down if you see it's getting out of hand? Do your arguments turn into personal insults?
You need to discuss these things with him, find out why he feels it necessary to run away and see if you can both come to a way of compromising. Set up a standard mechanism you will both agree to ensure arguments don't get out of hand. Bickering doesn't make for a fun relationship there are things that you can both do to ease this situation so find out what it is that sets you both off and agree to back down before you reach that point.
A simple "Okay can we stop arguing about this now please? We're not going to agree and getting pissed off is not going to do us any good." Usually works for me.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 His reaction is immature but quite common. The problem with it is that you will end up not discussing important things with him for fear of him doing a runner and issues will end up being swept under the carpet where they'll fester. And if he does this over something trivial, how will he handle really important issues?
When the current situation has calmed down, you're gonna need to have a serious talk with him about this.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2012):
This is definitely a red flag. I've had a few arguments with my girlfriend, and I've often found that it's best to leave the room and let it calm down for a while, then talk sensibly about it afterwards.
I have never run away, and neither has my girlfriend.
If the best your boyfriend can do is just pack up and leave for a few days, with you in limbo at home, then he's not ever going to be able to talk about things, and it will always be him coming home to you expecting you to suddenly fall into line.
I'd urge you to think about where this is going. It may not seem as serious now as you think, but when if you have children or whatever in the future, you'll need a man who can handle pressure - not just run off every time there's a problem.
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female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (23 September 2012):
 My boyfriend used to go off wandering on his own he'd come back later but after he had time to cool off.Now we don't do that we talk about it together i was always the one who wanted to sort it there and then he always wanted time on his own (without leaving the house) but now we compromise by giving each other some time alone and then talking about why we were upset with the other.You need to both come up with a compromise situation where you either talk about it after having sometime alone to cool off or you leave it a few hours and then act like nothing happened.I do think it's more helpful if you actually talk about it because at least you can both learn from your mistakes and try to work around it.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 I think it's a major red flag. Such a reaction to a fight is immature, egoistic and unreasonable. You might want to be careful because he does seem to be a person who carries grudges for far too long.
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